End.
Sunday, June 7, 2009

Do I turn myself into what people want me to be, or stay myself and risk losing the people I care for?

Once upon a time I was told that I changed, and to make amends, I attempted to go back to who I was - to revert from my supposed change. And here, tonight - I believe I am who I was just years ago. Though this is so, things don't seem right - I'm unhappy, and certain people are unhappy with me.

I had an argument with Gillian last night and this morning. I spoke what was on my mind at the time, and now it's opened up a whole load of other problems. Problems which need to be confronted.

The journey home from Penang allowed me a little time to think, and now I truly see - you were right Gillian. Through all this, I've been the one to blame. The problems between you, me, and Kimberley: they were mostly faults of mine. I've found it difficult to accept change, difficult to accept that which was right in front of my eyes. And for that I've paid a heavy price, and still my debt isn't settled.

And then there are other problems. The uncertainty of my future. Once upon a time I was so sure that Psych was what I wanted to do, but today? Today I question everything - and honestly speaking, a huge part of me is about ready to give up. A huge part of me just feels like walking out into the world with my Diploma, and begin earning a life. A hard life, maybe - but lady luck may just favor me. Who knows?

I certainly don't.

I need... a break. I need some time away - not just from my everyday problems, but from the people who are a part of my everyday life. And most importantly - I need some time away from myself.

This post is a start of one journey, and the end of another. The start? My quest for fulfillment - for change. To strike a balance between being completely happy with myself, and to ensure specific others are happy with me. This is the day where I rebuild broken down walls, the day I throw away all expectations - expectations of myself, and the expectations I have of others. This is the day I leave me here, in front of this screen, and never look back.

And what of the end? That doesn't just relate to the "death" of a persona, but also the end of his memories and passions. I promised myself once - I'd never mention anyone's name when I spoke of my own troubles on this blog. Today, I've broken that promise. And with that promise, I'm breaking away from this... journal of mine.

Will I come back? Who's to say? For now, this seems permanent. I'll keep this blog open, just in case I ever feel like coming back and putting my thoughts into words. Even so, I'm certain that there won't be any updates for a long time to come.

A long, long time to come.

My experiences on the 29th, of NCSM's Relay for Life - I guess those will never see the light of day. And Aliff - I had something ready for you, but that too disappears tonight. I'm sorry.

This is the end.



Goodnight everyone.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:05 PM 1 comment(s)  

Uncertainty.
Saturday, June 6, 2009

Tonight, in this hotel room... I am caught questioning just one thing: was it wise?

It had been bugging me for so long, and tonight... it almost felt right. It almost felt like putting it out in the open was what I needed, was what's important.

But now I'm not sure. Now I sit here, wondering if I should have kept it to myself - if I should have pressed myself to endure, and let time do its thing. If I should have kept quiet... like so many nights in these past few years.

The answer will come soon enough, won't it? It's just a matter of time now... Till one of us brings it up again.

Funny. Just thinking about it has made me a little disappointed.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:00 PM 0 comment(s)  

Burning Paper.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Is it time for me to put it all into words? Maybe.


I don't know if it shows in my previous posts, but writing.. no, expressing myself hasn't been as easy as it once was. Often I find myself sitting in solitude, contemplating a hundred different emotions, questioning every little detail about my life, my direction. Questioning, me.

And just as I sit down to put those very thoughts into words, they escape me. Not completely, but enough of it is lost - it makes me wonder why I bothered to place my fingers on a keyboard in the first place.

I came here today with a confession - and like so many times before, I'm at a loss for words.

How can writing be therapuetical when one can't write?

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:05 PM 0 comment(s)  

Still Indecisive.
Monday, May 25, 2009

Which one? I look at A and I think of B, I look at B and I think of C, I look at C, and I think of A. So really - which one? I can't waste anymore time.

I don't have anymore time.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:09 PM 0 comment(s)  

Distractions.
Saturday, May 23, 2009

If I can't find meaning now, then I'll keep myself attached to these distractions. It's easier to keep myself afloat that way.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 2:26 AM 0 comment(s)  

A Cocktail of Feelings.
Thursday, May 21, 2009

Tired.

                                Excited.
Unhappy.
Pleased.
       Annoyed.
Content.
                                                 Confused.
Angry.
In love.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:26 PM 0 comment(s)  

Seasick Sailor.
Sunday, May 17, 2009

We aren't the same anymore. Though we've acknowledged it many times, and though we've tried to take ourselves down that very road we were so pleased to travel only too long ago, our efforts have all been in vain. Do you think that it ever truly helped? We would make amends, and free ourselves of the guilt that supposedly weighed us down, only to laugh for a minute, and then return to our separate paths - paths which we believe we can now tread ourselves, paths we no longer care to share.

I wonder sometimes, do we really care for the conversations we put ourselves in, or is it just for the sake of appearances?

Maybe I am wrong to even think this way, but I will not apologize for it. This is how I feel tonight, and this is the story I will read to myself before I go to bed. Will I think the same way tomorrow? Maybe, maybe not - I can never tell, not with the way my mind works, not with the way my emotions fluctuate.








It's a quiet night.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:36 PM 0 comment(s)  

Sudirman Cup Semi Finals.

Did you watch the Sudirman Cup Semi Finals between Malaysia and China? I didn't catch it live, unfortunately (I completely forgot about it, shame on me), so I caught the replay instead.


I love watching Lee Chong Wei and Lin Dan play against each other. As you most likely know already by now, Lee Chong Wei lost to Lin Dan in straight sets - but he did well. There were some minor mistakes here and there, but Chong Wei was on form - Lin Dan was just better. What I love most about the games between these two is not the pace, not the intensity of the games itself, but what comes after the game is done. These two have such an enormous amount of respect for each other, and they are so dedicated to their games that it shows so much - the joy of winning, the despair from losing, the acknowledgement of each other's ability. Such sportmanship! I've yet to see that level of sportsmanship and respect for any player as much as Chong Wei's and Lin Dan's.

And of course, what about the Men's Doubles - Malaysia's Koo Kien Keat/Tan Boon Heong against China's Cai Yun/Fu Haifeng? One word: Incredible. Watching Kien Keat and Boon Heong has always been awesome, and the fact that they had to play against China's world #1 ranked players made it so much more enjoyable to watch.

Unfortunately, Malaysia's battle for the Sudirman Cup has ended. But there's always next time. It's overused, but: Malaysia Boleh.

:D

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:20 PM 0 comment(s)  

An Old Hobby.
Saturday, May 16, 2009

I am tempted to return to an old hobby of mine: trading card games and miniatures (such as Dungeons and Dragons, Mage Knights and HeroClix).

Problem is, with these games, the only people I can ever play with are my brothers. We've always been involved in games like these, sometimes even joining tournaments. It would be a lot nicer to play with people aside from them - or better yet, play with them and others! I remember our many large scale battles played over the dinner table - we designed our own terrain and we'd wage wars with our miniature figures, battling to the death for supremacy. Everything always seemed epic. It often took hours for us to determine a winner - results were never the same.

I miss those days.

I'd like to get back into it, but it is extremely expensive. My brothers and I cut cost among one another by sharing our pieces - it made army selection easier, and reduced cost drastically. Or maybe.. I should just redownload the rules for Mage Knight (I have over 300 miniature figures), and restart the game with my brothers, instead of hopping into a new miniatures game. That'll be cheaper.

Besides, I miss using my old and faithful Temple Lord.


Ahh, the number of victories you led me to.

I'm so excited!

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:31 PM 0 comment(s)  

Mutt.
Friday, May 15, 2009

Sometimes, I feel like I'm nothing more than a dog - curled up in my corner, waiting for my masters to come home.


And no matter how they may treat me - I'll wag my tail for them, and wait for that much-wanted pat on the head.

Just like a dog.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:53 PM 0 comment(s)  

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