Nuts & Bolts

End.

2009-06-07T20:05:00.002+08:00

Do I turn myself into what people want me to be, or stay myself and risk losing the people I care for?

Once upon a time I was told that I changed, and to make amends, I attempted to go back to who I was - to revert from my supposed change. And here, tonight - I believe I am who I was just years ago. Though this is so, things don't seem right - I'm unhappy, and certain people are unhappy with me.

I had an argument with Gillian last night and this morning. I spoke what was on my mind at the time, and now it's opened up a whole load of other problems. Problems which need to be confronted.

The journey home from Penang allowed me a little time to think, and now I truly see - you were right Gillian. Through all this, I've been the one to blame. The problems between you, me, and Kimberley: they were mostly faults of mine. I've found it difficult to accept change, difficult to accept that which was right in front of my eyes. And for that I've paid a heavy price, and still my debt isn't settled.

And then there are other problems. The uncertainty of my future. Once upon a time I was so sure that Psych was what I wanted to do, but today? Today I question everything - and honestly speaking, a huge part of me is about ready to give up. A huge part of me just feels like walking out into the world with my Diploma, and begin earning a life. A hard life, maybe - but lady luck may just favor me. Who knows?

I certainly don't.

I need... a break. I need some time away - not just from my everyday problems, but from the people who are a part of my everyday life. And most importantly - I need some time away from myself.

This post is a start of one journey, and the end of another. The start? My quest for fulfillment - for change. To strike a balance between being completely happy with myself, and to ensure specific others are happy with me. This is the day where I rebuild broken down walls, the day I throw away all expectations - expectations of myself, and the expectations I have of others. This is the day I leave me here, in front of this screen, and never look back.

And what of the end? That doesn't just relate to the "death" of a persona, but also the end of his memories and passions. I promised myself once - I'd never mention anyone's name when I spoke of my own troubles on this blog. Today, I've broken that promise. And with that promise, I'm breaking away from this... journal of mine.

Will I come back? Who's to say? For now, this seems permanent. I'll keep this blog open, just in case I ever feel like coming back and putting my thoughts into words. Even so, I'm certain that there won't be any updates for a long time to come.

A long, long time to come.

My experiences on the 29th, of NCSM's Relay for Life - I guess those will never see the light of day. And Aliff - I had something ready for you, but that too disappears tonight. I'm sorry.

This is the end.

Goodnight everyone.

Uncertainty.

2009-06-06T23:00:00.000+08:00

Tonight, in this hotel room... I am caught questioning just one thing: was it wise?

It had been bugging me for so long, and tonight... it almost felt right. It almost felt like putting it out in the open was what I needed, was what's important.

But now I'm not sure. Now I sit here, wondering if I should have kept it to myself - if I should have pressed myself to endure, and let time do its thing. If I should have kept quiet... like so many nights in these past few years.

The answer will come soon enough, won't it? It's just a matter of time now... Till one of us brings it up again.

Funny. Just thinking about it has made me a little disappointed.

Burning Paper.

2009-05-27T15:05:00.004+08:00

Is it time for me to put it all into words? Maybe.

I don't know if it shows in my previous posts, but writing.. no, expressing myself hasn't been as easy as it once was. Often I find myself sitting in solitude, contemplating a hundred different emotions, questioning every little detail about my life, my direction. Questioning, me.

And just as I sit down to put those very thoughts into words, they escape me. Not completely, but enough of it is lost - it makes me wonder why I bothered to place my fingers on a keyboard in the first place.

I came here today with a confession - and like so many times before, I'm at a loss for words.

How can writing be therapuetical when one can't write?

Still Indecisive.

2009-05-25T23:09:00.002+08:00

Which one? I look at A and I think of B, I look at B and I think of C, I look at C, and I think of A. So really - which one? I can't waste anymore time.

I don't have anymore time.

Distractions.

2009-05-23T02:26:00.005+08:00

If I can't find meaning now, then I'll keep myself attached to these distractions. It's easier to keep myself afloat that way.

A Cocktail of Feelings.

2009-05-21T22:26:00.010+08:00

Tired.

Excited.

Unhappy.

Pleased.

Annoyed.

Content.

Confused.

Angry.

In love.

Seasick Sailor.

2009-05-17T23:36:00.000+08:00

We aren't the same anymore. Though we've acknowledged it many times, and though we've tried to take ourselves down that very road we were so pleased to travel only too long ago, our efforts have all been in vain. Do you think that it ever truly helped? We would make amends, and free ourselves of the guilt that supposedly weighed us down, only to laugh for a minute, and then return to our separate paths - paths which we believe we can now tread ourselves, paths we no longer care to share.

I wonder sometimes, do we really care for the conversations we put ourselves in, or is it just for the sake of appearances?

Maybe I am wrong to even think this way, but I will not apologize for it. This is how I feel tonight, and this is the story I will read to myself before I go to bed. Will I think the same way tomorrow? Maybe, maybe not - I can never tell, not with the way my mind works, not with the way my emotions fluctuate.

It's a quiet night.

Sudirman Cup Semi Finals.

2009-05-17T16:20:00.003+08:00

Did you watch the Sudirman Cup Semi Finals between Malaysia and China? I didn't catch it live, unfortunately (I completely forgot about it, shame on me), so I caught the replay instead.

I love watching Lee Chong Wei and Lin Dan play against each other. As you most likely know already by now, Lee Chong Wei lost to Lin Dan in straight sets - but he did well. There were some minor mistakes here and there, but Chong Wei was on form - Lin Dan was just better. What I love most about the games between these two is not the pace, not the intensity of the games itself, but what comes after the game is done. These two have such an enormous amount of respect for each other, and they are so dedicated to their games that it shows so much - the joy of winning, the despair from losing, the acknowledgement of each other's ability. Such sportmanship! I've yet to see that level of sportsmanship and respect for any player as much as Chong Wei's and Lin Dan's.

And of course, what about the Men's Doubles - Malaysia's Koo Kien Keat/Tan Boon Heong against China's Cai Yun/Fu Haifeng? One word: Incredible. Watching Kien Keat and Boon Heong has always been awesome, and the fact that they had to play against China's world #1 ranked players made it so much more enjoyable to watch.

Unfortunately, Malaysia's battle for the Sudirman Cup has ended. But there's always next time. It's overused, but: Malaysia Boleh.

An Old Hobby.

2009-05-16T16:31:00.001+08:00

I am tempted to return to an old hobby of mine: trading card games and miniatures (such as Dungeons and Dragons, Mage Knights and HeroClix).

Problem is, with these games, the only people I can ever play with are my brothers. We've always been involved in games like these, sometimes even joining tournaments. It would be a lot nicer to play with people aside from them - or better yet, play with them and others! I remember our many large scale battles played over the dinner table - we designed our own terrain and we'd wage wars with our miniature figures, battling to the death for supremacy. Everything always seemed epic. It often took hours for us to determine a winner - results were never the same.

I miss those days.

I'd like to get back into it, but it is extremely expensive. My brothers and I cut cost among one another by sharing our pieces - it made army selection easier, and reduced cost drastically. Or maybe.. I should just redownload the rules for Mage Knight (I have over 300 miniature figures), and restart the game with my brothers, instead of hopping into a new miniatures game. That'll be cheaper.

Besides, I miss using my old and faithful Temple Lord.

Ahh, the number of victories you led me to.

I'm so excited!

Mutt.

2009-05-15T22:53:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like I'm nothing more than a dog - curled up in my corner, waiting for my masters to come home.

And no matter how they may treat me - I'll wag my tail for them, and wait for that much-wanted pat on the head.

Just like a dog.

Me, #52.

2009-05-11T23:56:00.001+08:00

I look up to a hundred different people, but I aspire to be no one but myself.

Hadirmu.

2009-05-07T00:37:00.002+08:00

I was listening to the above titled song just ten minutes ago, and I swear I had the biggest smile plastered across my face.

I imagine that my future partner will have a voice that will complement mine, and we'll sing this song on a beautiful day, out in the public, with my arms wrapped around her.

What? I can dream a little, can't I?

Behind The Curtains.

2009-05-04T16:25:00.002+08:00

Ha ha ha. I just realized... a post is missing from this blog. One where I was talking about a certain person who told too many lies, and how pissed I was at it.

Two minutes ago, as I was clearing my blog of saved-but-unpublished-posts, I found that post. It was - curiously enough - labeled as a draft. I know very well that I published it, and I certainly remember it having at least five comments. Curious isn't it? Scroll through my blog and you won't find that post anymore - it and the comments that came with it are gone.

To refresh your memory, here's the post:-

Walking On Lies

Some people are full of shit. I can't understand the need to make up all those stories, or to affiliate yourself with people you don't even know.

What's worse? This time you've cooked up some cock story involving your family. Nothing of the sort is happening (and I should know), and if your cooked up events ever magically come true, I wonder: how would you feel?

You think I'm not reading. You think I don't know. I know my way around, and I can find anything, anywhere, anytime I want.

Go ahead and weave your tales of turmoil - you and I both know they're just that: tales. Seems like all you really want is attention - even if it's from nothing more but sympathy.

Trust me: it's all going to come back and bite you in the ass one day. And you'll have far too many regrets then. Oh, and when it does? I'll be laughing at your sorry behind.

Laughing all the bloody way.

For those of you who follow my blog, I'm sure you remember it.

You're an intelligent fuck, aren't you? You waited till I flooded the front page with new posts, waited till this post was out of the limelight, and then you logged into my account, and removed it, didn't you? Just because I have a universal password for almost everything. You intelligent, conniving, sneaky fuck.

That's the only explanation, and I know well enough what you're capable of. You're just making it more and more difficult for me to trust you, and that's going to spillover onto everyone you know - slowly but surely.

In fact, don't count on me being as silent as I was before, alright? If and when it pleases me, I'll expose you for the fraud you are.

Two can play at being sneaky and manipulative. And you know what a capable puppeteer I am, don't you? Trust me, I'm not going to stand on a pedestal and announce your identity to the world - I'm going to pull the right strings, whisper insecurities into everything around you, tie traps to the corners of your mouth - you're going to end up unmasking yourself.

That's how I play.

This is going to be fun, isn't it?

I suggest you start praying.

Midnight Musings.

2009-05-03T01:37:00.001+08:00

Just a little... disappointed. It's not at all pleasing to see that it's given freely to others, but held from me. I wish that... I could be on the receiving end of that once in a while.

Just once in a while.

Another one of those moments. It'll pass. It comes and goes. Always.

***

It's been running wildly. The images, the feelings, the need for gratification. Almost... unhealthy. It's wonderful, but it needs to stop.

There's only one way to do that now, yes?

In Between Thoughts.

2009-04-30T10:14:00.002+08:00

Terima kasih cinta.

Resolve.

2009-04-29T20:30:00.002+08:00

Inspired, motivated. Ready to go. Here begins my fight for the right results.

This is my resolve.

Fighting With My Reflection.

2009-04-29T19:05:00.002+08:00

I thought absence was supposed to make the heart grow fonder?

Pilihanku.

2009-04-28T12:21:00.003+08:00

This song (and video) makes me smile.

A New Star

2009-04-27T22:05:00.003+08:00

I'm a dreamer. Though it has proven time and again to be a strength of mine, it is also - without a doubt - my greatest fault.

I've been dreaming for a while now.

It's high time I woke up from this particular dream.

Time to open my eyes to the possibilities again. Time to let go, to be rid of this hope which I've been holding on to for so long.

I must dream a new dream.

This black sky needs a new star to look to. Most say it's already there, that I just need to open my heart to it.

All in due time.

Flying With Daedalus.

2009-04-24T00:25:00.003+08:00

Maybe she's right - maybe I just don't care anymore. It's been pushed to the back of my mind, just like before.

Say whatever you like, at the moment I have bigger things to worry about. Much bigger things. I'm likely to temporarily forsake one path for a greater opportunity - it's going to be very, very difficult. But I'll come out on top, as I almost always do.

Here's to more blood, sweat and tears.

Forever Holding Hands.

2009-04-22T14:35:00.005+08:00

So write! Remember, write the first draft with your heart.
Write the second with your head.

- William Forrester, fictional author from the movie Finding Forrester -

Black On Black.

2009-04-19T23:27:00.002+08:00

It's 11:27PM.

I've got nothing to do tonight. I'm bored, I'm hungry, and I'm just very, very tired. The wrong lights are on in the hall, and it's beginning to annoy me. Give me a second.

Yes, that's better. Much better.

The nights have been extremely hot lately. Despite the many hours I spend on my bed, little of it is spent sleeping. Mother Nature has been teasing my area with the idea of rain for days now, but she never pulls through - I'm sure it's very much the same everywhere else. If you've had rain in your area lately, I've got to say: you're a lucky basketface.

Let's make this form of interaction a little more personal, and a little less cryptic.

What's new?

I mentioned some time back that I was finally done with my diploma. I'm on my way to beginning a whole new life in an old place - if all goes well, I'll be enrolled next month for a degree in Psychology. I can't say I'm not afraid - it's a whole new environment, and the worst bit is: I won't have the people I've known for the last four years around me. Will I be able to cope? Only time will tell.

Funny thing is, I'm 23 this year. And here I sit, waiting to spend yet another 3 years - studying for a degree. Most people my age are either: 1) studying for their Masters; 2) already running up their career ladders. I'm sure many are wondering what the bloody hell I've been doing with my life all this while. You want an honest answer? I don't know either.

Sigh. To imagine, I'll only be out and about in the working world when I'm 26 - and that's assuming that I don't fail any of my subjects.

Alright, alright. Enough of that.

I've had a few close friends leave for greener pastures in the past year, and soon enough a few more will be leaving. Things sure are changing, aren't they? Yes... they definitely are.

It's been a little lonely lately. I've not seen or talked to a select few people for months now, and it's not at all pleasing. It's been weeks since I last talked to Collin, longer still since I talked to Thilagan. And what of my proclaimed best friend, Guna? I haven't seen him since... well, forever. There are a couple of others I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'll leave their names out of here for tonight - they know who they are.

On a lighter note, I haven't cut my hair in weeks. Probably months. I think the last time was in January. Or February. I don't know. It's messy, and all too difficult to comb. Why don't I just cut it then? Simple: malas.

Hmm. It's been a while since I actually made an attempt to update this blog with content like this. Much easier to do, less energy spent trying to construct sentences that hide the true meaning of things.

Ah well. Look at the time.

It's 12:05AM. It's taken me a good half hour to get to this point.

Also, I've noticed something. The sky tonight is clear. Crystal clear.

One has to wonder why there isn't a single star in the sky tonight.

The Truth of Matters.

2009-04-11T19:54:00.002+08:00

Why? Why is this?
Think'st thou, I 'ld make a life of jealousy;
To follow still the changes of the Moon
With fresh suspicions? No: to be once in doubt,
Is once to be resolv'd: exchange me for a goat,
When I shall turn the business of my soul
To such exsufflicate, and blown surmises,
Matching thy inference. 'Tis not to make me jealous,
To say my wife is fair, feeds well, loves company,
Is free of speech, sings, plays, and dances:
Where virtue is, these are more virtuous.
Nor from mine own weak merits, will I draw
The smallest fear, or doubt of her revolt,
For she had eyes, and chose me. No Iago,
I'll see before I doubt; when I doubt, prove;
And on the proof, there is no more but this,
Away at once with love, or jealousy.

- Othello, Act three, scene three, a play by William Shakespeare -

Ah, Othello. If only I had such wit and rationale as you possess; if only your patience were my own. To have these virtues, and to hold my own against the whispers of demons akin to Iago... I would be a better man.

A much better man.

Made Of Glass.

2009-04-07T03:00:00.002+08:00

I used to think that I could do whatever I wanted, however I wanted. I used to feel like I had it all, that I was unstoppable. I used to feel like the road was mine, and that I could drive my way around anything and everything.

I was that confident.

I’ll be honest – I was that confident for a reason. I did know a few tricks, and I believed in my abilities more than I believed the Sun would rise tomorrow.

I was overconfident.

It’s been three months since, and today I’m a very different man. I hide it as best as I can from the people around me – I doubt anyone can tell that I’m insanely afraid of driving. Every little bump in the road makes my heart jump – I often find myself wiping away the sweat off my palms whenever I step out of the driver’s seat. I used to be the kind of guy that hated being in the passenger seat – I always wanted to be the one in control, and secretly I always wanted to be the one to show off. These days I find myself in the passenger seat almost too often, and I’m comfortable there. Very comfortable.

Contrary to what people may think, my driving habits have severely changed. My family still thinks I drive like I’m late for my wedding, but the truth is I’ve never driven slower. My average speed? 60KM/H. On the highway.

I know now that I am not what I think I am, that I can’t really do what I thought I could. I was always much too eager to prove myself, much too eager to keep up, much too eager to show off.

I lost my love for driving somewhere in the past three months. But the story doesn’t end on a sad note – today I found that love again.

No, I wasn’t speeding away. No, I wasn’t sliding all over the place. I was still travelling at a snail’s pace, and I was much too careful around corners to allow my car even the slightest of slides. But it was a great drive nonetheless.

I loved the feel of the road, and I loved the time spent just being in that driver’s seat. It took me a good fourty minutes or so to reach home (when it should only take fifteen minutes – at a safe and respectable speed), and I enjoyed every single minute of it. Every single one.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m still not over my fear of driving. But it’s a start. At the very least, I’m finally a little more comfortable there. At the moment, I’m not interested in going back to being able to hold my own at high speeds, or slide a car through corners without breaking a sweat – no, not at all. At the moment, I don’t feel like pushing myself – I just want to stroll on through, and I want to take in the view. It’s so much better this way.

So much better.

Sanctuary.

2009-04-04T20:12:00.005+08:00

It's dark outside, and the wind is heavy. Flashes of lightning illuminate the black sky, with thunder roaring across the night - the only sound to dwarf the loud beating of the rain. Just a little longer, and I wouldn't be surprised to see a flood in this part of the country.

I'm alone here, tonight. Apart from all the ruckus Mother Nature is making, it's fairly quiet and peaceful here. The air that's swirling in here is cool, and there's a refreshing scent about it. God knows why, but I've got the biggest smile plastered across my face - it's been there since the rain started.

It's odd - the condition outside couldn't be worse, but it's that same condition that's evoked quite a few warm memories. I've images in my head of bright eyes and wide smiles, of silly faces and silent laughter. And I just can't explain it, but I literally feel warm in all the right places - it's like that special someone's got her arms wrapped around me, and by God I don't want her to let me go, no, not just yet.

I feel... so content. It's almost as if I've got everything I've ever wanted with me. Almost. Funny how simple memories can make a feather out of a heavy guy like me - I'm floating to wherever the wind feels like taking me.

I wonder how long this will last. Never long enough, but certainly... I hope, longer than it could be.

Tonight, the world may be nothing more than a gloom - I could care less. I'm happy. Happy as happy can be. And now that I've stopped to notice, I find that the rain's subsiding. That's alright by me - I'm still smiling.