Nuts & Bolts

Fish on a Hook.

2012-01-22T03:57:00.003+08:00

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Hello. Once again, it's been a while since I last came around here and talked about anything. I guess now is as good a time as any to do a little updating.

What's new then?

I'll be leaving my current job soon - I've been roped into something else, and it looks pretty promising. Granted, it's going to take a lot of hard work and persistence, but I think I'll handle well enough. What is it, you may ask? Well, I suppose that's something for another time. Check in every once in a while - I might just tell you more about it.

2011 wasn't the best of years - all around it was just an incredibly tiring affair, and I had to deal with a lot of leftover problems from the previous year(s). But that's not new, no? One way or another, we're all haunted by our pasts, and I am no different.

I'm still battling that little monster everyone knows as "Loneliness". I'm just not quite over that certain someone - no, not yet. One does wonder though - how much longer till I get up and go, and leave this behind me? Trouble is I'm trying to get over something I've never had, and that makes it all the more difficult. Hell, I've spent a good five years doing just that. I guess I must be doing something terribly wrong, because after five solid years I'm still madly in love with her.

Ideas, anyone? I'm certainly drained of any.

By the way, this isn't even the half of it. Hell, I'd say I've just barely touched the surface. You have no idea how messed up I feel right now.

I wish I could go into further detail - it would certainly help lift the weight that's on my shoulders (at least, some of it). Unfortunately, I can't - for too many reasons. And all of them right, too.

Such is the matter of things.

Ah well.

Queen of Hearts.

2011-10-11T01:11:00.002+08:00

I know she knows I miss her. Though I don't think she knows just how much.

But then again, maybe she does. She's amazing that way.

Pretty damn amazing.

Getaway.

2011-07-13T02:23:00.002+08:00

Saat kupejamkan mataku
Engkau hadir dalam mimpiku
Dikala waktu kita masih bersama
Jelas tergambar senyumanmu
Jelas terlukiskan wajahmu
Dihatiku..masih tersimpan dirimu

I'll be visiting Cherating at the end of the month. I'm looking forward to it, not just because I need this getaway, but because I'll be going there with someone very special.

A little rest and relaxation will do us both a lot of good.

Starry, Starry Night.

2011-06-07T20:43:00.000+08:00

I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight.

Between Black Lines.

2011-05-30T17:08:00.001+08:00

It has been so long since I posted anything.

But who am I kidding? I don't post to ease my troubled mind anymore. I do it to get attention. Which is why the things I've written in my little brown book mean so much to me.

Those words are mine, and mine alone. That book is a look into my heart.

And I'll be damned if I ever let anyone look into my heart.

Ace of Spades.

2011-03-04T21:58:00.005+08:00

... And those who fear are lost.

The Queen of Hearts is always your best friend.

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for respect.

He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance.

- Shape of My Heart, Sting.

Tick.

2011-02-18T18:37:00.002+08:00

Any minute now.

I need to learn to pace myself. I am always going too fast, or going too slow.

I, like everyone else, am a prisoner of time. And we all know: Time isn't the kindest of captors.

Hati.

2010-12-10T22:25:00.002+08:00

Sesungguhnya masih ada yang lebih penting dari sekedar kata cinta

Really?

Crash Into Me.

2010-11-24T02:04:00.002+08:00

"Sweet like candy to my soul, sweet you rock and sweet you roll"

Crash Into Me was the song that originally hooked me onto The Dave Matthews Band. The first time I listened to it, I knew I was listening to lyrical genius.

Dave Matthews manages to express lyrically what most of us (if not all) have gone through in our lives: the very feeling of being in love, and the sensuality of it all. While there are many songs out there in the world today that follow the same theme, I have yet to listen to one that captures the idea, the thought, the feeling, anywhere near as well as Dave Matthews has done.

If you're interested, click here and you'll find yourself listening to the song on Youtube. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

I should be asleep, but I suppose a couple more hours of DMB for company would do me more good than harm.

Till next time.

Black Ice.

2010-10-14T00:43:00.003+08:00

Who's house are you haunting tonight?

It's one of those nights - you look out the window and there's not a star in the sky. Outside, everything is still. Everyone - everything - is asleep. You're here, under the cold white lights of an empty room and you've absolutely no one to talk to.

What's ironic is that while you have a million thoughts swirling in your head, you have absolutely no idea how to put them into words, how to tell anyone anything you're feeling - and so while this silence can be comforting, it is at the very same time incredibly frustrating.

You turn to books, to hot drinks under a slow moving fan - and none of it helps. You try to fall asleep, but sleep just won't come to you. No, not tonight at least.

So what do you do?

I have no clue.

No clue at all.

Kamu.

2010-09-28T23:59:00.002+08:00

Hey. It's not much, I just wanted you to know - I'm officially missing you.

There In Your Hands.

2010-09-25T04:15:00.003+08:00

"You have known for a long time what you must do. You have sense enough: don't give way to drunkenness and incontinence of speech; don't give way to sensual lust; and, above all, to the love of money. And close your taverns. If you can't close all, at least two or three. And, above all- don't lie."

"You mean about Diderot?"

"No, not about Diderot. Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself. The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than anyone. You know it is sometimes very pleasant to take offence, isn't it? A man may know that nobody has insulted him, but that he has invented the insult for himself, has lied and exaggerated to make it picturesque, has caught at a word and made a mountain out of a molehill- he knows that himself, yet he will be the first to take offence, and will revel in his resentment till he feels great pleasure in it, and so pass to genuine vindictiveness. But get up, sit down, I beg you. All this, too, is deceitful posturing...."

- The Brothers Karamazov, Book 2 (Chapter 2 - The Old Buffoon)

Big Eyed Fish.

2010-09-21T14:06:00.003+08:00

Look at this big eyed fish, swimming in the sea
How it dreams to be a bird, swooping diving through the breeze
So one day, it caught a big old wave up onto the beach
Now it's dead, you see
Beneath the sea is where a fish should be.

You make me sad.

Hand Me Down.

2010-09-02T21:28:00.002+08:00

Lay all your troubles down.

I've had the entire album on my laptop for a couple of years now. I never did take the time to listen to this song, so it came as a pleasant surprise when it played last week (thanks to iTunes' shuffle mode). Now I have it playing almost every night, and almost every time I drive out.

Someday they'll find your small town world
On a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk
When they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell
Cuz they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie
Better than the truth

They'll tell you everthing
You wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody oughta take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once do you think that they would lie
When they're holding you
Then you wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You'll start to wonder
If you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think
You were born blind

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When living ain't easy
You can stand up against me
And maybe rely on me
And cry on me, yeah
Oh no, no, no

Someday they'll open up your world
Shake you down to the drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
Lay them down on me
You're just one more hand me down
And all those nights don't give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down on me

- Matchbox Twenty

Here's a link to the band singing the song live. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Strike Three.

2010-09-01T17:29:00.005+08:00

They told me there was no turning back. I knew well enough.

I won't lie and say I haven't given it any thought. I've been mulling it over for a while now, but I'm still undecided. I'm so very tempted to go there, and never come back.

But at the same time I'm terribly afraid.

Of what?

Simply put - of everything after.

Terdiam.

2010-08-22T22:49:00.003+08:00

Apakah kau rasakan getaranku pada dirimu?

This song sparked my love for Maliq & D'Essentials' music. I heard it for the very first time on MTV years ago - I caught the song at its final minute as I was flipping through channels. At the end of the song, I told myself that I would look it up on the Internet a few hours later. When it came time to search for the song, I had forgotten the name of the band! All I had was the line "Ku hanya duduk terdiam" to go on.

So I searched, and searched. It took me a while, but after filtering through all the junk and useless links, I finally found the song. It wasn't long after that I started searching for the rest of their album, and needless to say - the rest is history. Now I listen to them almost every bloody time I'm in the car (it's as if I don't have any other CD in there). One has to wonder how I'm not sick of them yet.

God I love this band.

By the Docks.

2010-08-05T20:23:00.004+08:00

"Don't you just love it here?"

Any minute now, my ship is coming in

I'll keep checking the horizon

I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing

Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love

Open up your heart

Let the light shine in

But don't you understand

I already have a plan

I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened

But in my dreams, I slew the dragon

And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane

I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again

And you say, just be here now

Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin

Let me throw one more dice

I know that I can win

I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in

I’ll keep checking the horizon

And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call

It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon

It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love

Open up your heart, let the light shine in

Don't you understand

I already have a plan

I'm waiting for my real life to begin

- Colin Hay, "Waiting for my real life to begin"

Anger Management.

2010-08-01T22:33:00.003+08:00

The way people say some things, sometimes...
- R. Aliff

Where has my patience gone?

The World, Aflame.

2010-07-29T22:20:00.002+08:00

Your heart knows.

Fate is not quite as strange as it appears. What a man thinks of himself, is what determines his life.

Your heart has brought you hear, now, to the crossroads.

Character is fate.

And you have chosen your fate...

Desire is fate.

... Allowing all other options to fade.

And we are each our own architects.

She.

2010-07-26T04:50:00.002+08:00

The most beautiful person in the room is often the one you didn't notice the first time.

One-thousand-one-hundred-and-ninety. It took Shakespeare that many lines to write a poetic masterpiece on the beauty of two individuals, tied to each other by their hopes and dreams, their love. I sometimes wish I had a mind capable of writing but a fraction of that amount, just to show the world the beauty of one significant individual in my life. It's unfortunate that I've never been very good with words.

I remember...

It was raining, and we were seated in my car, just the two of us, driving around aimlessly, wasting time in each other's company. I thought the night was beautiful, but I suppose your mere presence made it seem so. The nights were always beautiful with you around, and it wasn't till that night that I understood why.

I can't remember what we talked about - probably about the stupid things we'd gone through during the day, or maybe we were being full of ourselves, as we always are. Whatever it is, I remember looking forward, waiting for the lights to turn green - you leaned over, and so very gently placed a kiss on my cheek. You said I was a sweet guy. I know for a fact that my face turned red that night - it being dark, I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't notice. My brain froze there and then - and something clicked.

Do you know exactly what you did to me that night? You made a boy out of me. You made me feel special. Where I had lived my life feeling like I was nothing more than a speck of dust, you made me feel like I was worth something, that I wasn't so bad after all. That I had something to offer. And most importantly, you showed me that I was worthy of someone's love.

That was years ago. I don't even know if you remember that night. I may not see you very often these days, but when I do it feels exactly the same - the nights are beautiful, and I could care less about my troubles with the world.

I don't say it often, but when I do say these simple words, I say them with all my heart: I love you. And right here, right now, I thank God that I've got you in my life. For what it's worth, you're the best thing to have ever come into my life. The best thing.

And we both know - I wouldn't trade you for the world.

Rhyme and Reason.

2010-07-16T18:39:00.004+08:00

Betapa mudahnya.

Love Foolosophy.

2010-07-15T15:04:00.003+08:00

Tragically compelling.

Before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times.

Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.

And when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones you needed the most.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined - it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

That much is true.

Remember When.

2010-07-12T17:46:00.004+08:00

"... I do."

Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension.

Soda becomes vodka. Bikes becomes cars. Kisses turn into sex.

Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from girls were cooties?

Dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth, and mum was your hero. Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game.

And the only drug you knew was cough medicine.

When wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.

And we couldn't wait to grow up.

The Frozen Man.

2010-07-05T00:10:00.004+08:00

Last thing I remember is the freezing cold
Water reaching up just to swallow me whole
Ice in the rigging and howling wind
Shock to my body as we tumbled in
Then my brothers and the others are lost at sea
I alone am returned to tell thee
Hidden in ice for a century
To walk the world again
Lord have mercy on the frozen man

Next words that were spoken to me:
Nurse asked me what my name might be.
She was all in white at the foot of my bed
I said "Angel of mercy, I'm alive! -- or am I dead..."
My name is William James McPhee
I was born in 1823
Raised in Liverpool by the sea
But that ain't who I am
Lord have mercy on the frozen man

It took a lot of money to start my heart
To peg my leg and to buy my eye
The newspapers call me the state of the art
And the children, when they see me, cry
I thought it would be nice just to visit my grave
See what kind of tombstone I might have
I saw my wife and my daughter and it seemed so strange
Both of them dead and gone from extreme old age
See here, when I die make sure I'm gone
Don't leave 'em nothing to work on
You can raise your arm, you can wiggle your hand (not unlike myself)
And you can wave goodbye to the frozen man

I know what it means to freeze to death
To lose a little life with every breath
To say goodbye to life on earth
And come around again
Lord have mercy on the frozen man
Lord have mercy on the frozen man

- James Taylor

Running On Empty.

2010-06-25T23:44:00.002+08:00

Sunshine.

There are nights when I just stare blankly into the screen before me, and I know I'm at a loss for something. I know that I'm not happy, that I'm missing something important in my life.

Then I look over to the corner - I find those two empty photo frames, staring back at me, almost taunting me. And there I know exactly what's missing.

I don't have anything to be proud of - I have nothing with me now that can prove to anyone that I'm worth anything, and at times that depresses me so much that I find myself laughing as tears roll down my face. Then I beat myself up, because grown men don't cry. I play the fool and laugh more - it's my way of pushing my feelings aside, my way of convincing myself that I'm perfectly fine. My way of lying. Both to myself and to everyone around me.

I suppose I haven't grown at all. I suppose I still am just that little boy who doesn't know where he's going - the one who's still looking for someone's hand to hold onto before crossing the road.

Flying Machines.

2010-06-11T04:10:00.004+08:00

Okay, this has been long overdue. My home-boy, Collin Michael Nunis (affectionately called Chocolate Bear), is in a music video!

Check out the video here. Not my kind of music, to be honest, but his guitar-work is still as solid as ever. I highly recommend watching it, if only to see his stupid face halfway through the song for a guitar solo.

Much love for my man, C. M. Nunis.

Can I get a "woot woot"?

Gamble.

2010-06-05T00:35:00.002+08:00

Roll the dice.

Better now than never. Take chances. I damn well will, thank you very much.

Seven Suns and a Rain Cloud.

2010-05-29T22:22:00.004+08:00

Watch my face, as I pretend to feel no pain

Mother nature seems to have spent the day channeling my emotions through the weather. The sky's been a grey since I woke up this morning, and it was even raining for a long while earlier. The rain was perfect - not so heavy that it's almost depressing, not so light that it's barely noticeable.

I'm not feeling well, unfortunately - I'm forced to skip this year's Relay for Life. Next year then, maybe?

Today seems to have come and gone like any other day. It's usually just a little different. Not that I'm complaining - I had a good time last night surrounded by some of my closest friends, and right now I'm about to end the night with a good book and some hot Milo.

Oh, and that little quote up there? A line from John Mayer's last album, "Battle Studies". It's been playing the whole day, and it's kept me singing through a fever and a severe cold.

Also, thanks for keeping me company today. You know who you are.

Till next time, goodnight twenty three - hello twenty four.

Pursuit.

2010-05-27T18:49:00.004+08:00

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love - these are what we stay alive for.

- John Keating, The Dead Poets Society

Well said.

Integrity.

2010-05-26T21:08:00.003+08:00

Ah, she looked into your eyes
And saw what lay beneath.
Don't try to save yourself - the circle is complete.

Fading gently, soaking through.
Starting not to show at all.

When they take everything away, hold your colours against the wall.

Stage One.

2010-05-21T20:38:00.005+08:00

Bip bip bedip bip!

Absolutely love this. Reminds me so much of the games I used to play with my brothers, when we were oh-so-very young. Awesome stuff.

Edit: Decided to remove the embedded video, and put it down as a link instead. Makes this post look a little more pleasant to my eyes.

Admiral Annoyance.

2010-05-21T20:26:00.004+08:00

This strip is pure awesome. Used to annoy people the very same way.

Before The Day Breaks.

2010-05-20T21:12:00.005+08:00

Goodnight, Mr Moon.

What are the mornings, if not just a break between the nights? The afternoons, and the evenings too.

The nights are almost always the quietest, almost always the loneliest - the nights are almost always the worst.

But sometimes, when the right pieces fall into place - the nights will almost always be the best, and it is then that the nights never quite seem long enough.

I'm just waiting for that last piece to fall into place tonight. How are you tonight?

An Early Dismissal.

2010-05-15T23:34:00.002+08:00

... Many live because they are afraid to die, as many die because they are afraid to live.

Maybe it's time you acknowledged the possibility that he doesn't want to be here anymore. That he's fed up with what he's become, and for his pride, he's willing to leave her, to leave you, to leave me, to leave us - so that he need not go through another day as he is.

He knows what he's doing. You can argue about how he's not himself, that he's completely unaware of his own actions, but I don't believe it. Not one bit. I know, deep down - he knows exactly what he's doing. And when you patronise him - the way you've done over the past few months - you belittle his mind, his soul, and his pride. And when you get mad, you make him feel worse for being a burden on you.

He knows.

Maybe you have acknowledged this possibility. Maybe you just couldn't bring yourself to say it, because you're afraid of being right. I saw in your eyes the look of disbelief when I mentioned it, and you wonder how I could bring myself to say it. I say it because from here on out, if the right steps are taken - it might just make things easier on all of us in the long run.

It wasn't an easy thing for me to put out in the open. He's family too, and I love him. Please, trust me when I say: it hurt me as much as it did you to say what I said.

Maybe more.

Coasters For Two.

2010-05-08T23:14:00.003+08:00

Habis sudah rangkai kata, telah terungkap semua yang ku rasa.

Warm lights, a cool breeze. A little music, friendly faces. One table, two seats - a cup of coffee, or tea, and you for company. I'm up for it. Are you?

Soulvibe.

2010-05-06T01:32:00.006+08:00

Biarlah diriku memendam rasa ini, jauh di lubuk hatiku.

I recently started listening to another Indonesian jazz/pop band. With Maliq & D'Essentials promoting the band - Soulvibe - I thought to myself, "What have I to lose by listening to them?". Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised. Their first single, "Arti Hadirmu", took me in instantly, and it wasn't till I listened to the song "Cinta Masih" that I decided I needed more of their music.

I have to say, so far so good. They have a number of really good songs, and anyone who enjoys listening to Maliq & D'Essentials will easily fall for Soulvibe. Highly recommended, for all the fans of Indonesia's brand of jazz/pop music.

For those of you who like "Untitled" by Maliq & D'Essentials, here's a song by Soulvibe that shares a somewhat similar feel:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThljvHh7wMU

My attempts at embedding the video failed, as the parameters can't be changed to fit the layout of my blog (unfortunately), so you'll have to make do with a link.

I hope you enjoy it.

Like Any Other.

2010-05-03T22:57:00.002+08:00

Take another shot of courage; Wonder why the right words never come.

The blood is no longer at a boil, and these fists have ceased their trembling ways. I can almost feel the cool air against my face, above my shoulders - almost.

I'm caught listening to music from another generation - a different time, yet it remains relevant to me, today.

"Someone should send you a rose, with love from a friend - nice to hear from you again" - I'd love this. It'd make my night, my week maybe. I can't help but be drawn into the song - I'm lonely, and for tonight it's my only company. She's right there, but I can't quite muster the strength to tell her simply, "Hi". Times like these, I'm usually the one to make the approach, and I'm also usually the one turned down. I'm afraid, too afraid. I don't want to be disappointed, as has been the case so many times before, and which has been the case these past two or three weeks. Every little thing gets turned around, and there's no longer any warmth between us. We can't relate to one another, and I suppose that's the saddest thing.

So I keep to myself, not fighting the silence. It's better to stay quiet, than to speak a word or two and turn myself to ruin.

I can't bear her words, her actions anymore. To assure myself, I could easily say "I won't", but there's little truth in that - ultimately, I just can't.

Some nights, I wish I never grew to be so attached to you. This is just one of those nights.

Atlas Sleeps.

2010-05-01T02:22:00.004+08:00

Aku tak ingin terus terdiam memandangi harapan; terlena akan manis cinta dan berujung kecewa.
Aku tak ingin terus menunggu sesuatu yang tak pasti; lebih baik kita menangis dan terluka hari ini.

Some nights just aren't worth the time, or the effort. Some nights, it's better to be dead to the world, chained to a dream or two - it's just too much to take in, too much to think through.

I hope sleep finds me soon enough - I haven't the energy to play the Seeker much longer.

Aku mencari impian, bukan alasan.

Ideals.

2010-04-19T20:02:00.004+08:00

The winner of the 1998 Academy Award for Best Documentary, this powerful film traces the compelling experiences of five Hungarian Holocaust survivors who fell victim to Hitler's brutal war against the Jews during the final days of World War II.

Including newly-discovered historical footage and a rare interview with a former Nazi doctor at Auschwitz, the film tells the remarkable story of five people - a grandmother, a teacher, a businessman, an artist and a U.S. Congressman - as they return from the United States to their hometowns and to the ghettos and concentration camps in which they were imprisoned.

Through the eyes of the survivors and other witnesses, The Last Days recounts one of the most brutal chapters of this dark period in human history, when families were taken from their homes, stripped of their dignity, deported to concentration camps and ultimately murdered. Above all, The Last Days is a potent depiction of personal strength and courage, and a testament to the power of the human spirit.

As stated above, this is a documentary. Produced in the year 1998, it was - and still is, to me - an incredibly moving and educational documentary on the lives of the Jews during the second World War. I watched this when it was first released - as a boy of twelve years, it was fairly difficult to watch the horrors that people were subjected to under Hitler's rule. This came during a time where I was fixated on the history and ideals of pre-World War Germany, spurred on by film and written work such as Schindler's List, Night and Marxism.

If you should ever come across this documentary, I urge you to take the time to watch it. I trust that you will not feel disappointed once the credits start rolling.

***

I only mention this now because I was reminded of the documentary after looking for my old copies of Das Kapital and The German Ideology - my memory ties socialism and capitalism to Hitler and the birth of the new world (as I see it).

Looking back, I cannot say for sure what went through the minds of my parents when I - no more than twelve years of age - began talking to them about Marxism. I know that at the very least they were alarmed at their son's sudden interest in capitalism. Even so, my father allowed me my interests, and even went so far as to buy Karl Marx's written works (both Das Kapital and The German Ideology, as mentioned above) for me.

As I preferred to have time to myself, rather than busy myself with school and hang out (of which I thought was a complete waste of time - this certainly helped cement the fact that I was very much an outcast at school, as I never bothered trying to fit in), I spent many days/nights reading, re-reading, and discussing with myself (unfortunately) about the theories surrounding socialism and capitalism (contrary to what my parents believed, I wasn't interested in capitalism, rather I was fixated on socialism, and I understood that to fully comprehend the basics of socialism, I had to understand capitalism).

At this point in time, I cannot help but be thankful for the confidence my parents had in me - certainly the works of Karl Marx weren't easy to understand, and I'm sure they thought so too. I believe the only reason I understood his works is the fact that I didn't stop reading (and asking questions) till I understood it all. However, it must be said that one can only understand so much if one has no one to truly discuss these theories with, and that was the issue with me. My interest in it went down the drain over the years, as the people around me never related to my discussions about capitalism and socialism. Now with the ease in getting connected to the Internet, as well as having a bigger head on my shoulders (heh), I see no reason not to go back to reading his works again - maybe I'll find something new in it all. It might even provide me with a special view on certain things.

A visit to the bookstore has been long overdue.

Imaginary.

2010-04-16T23:37:00.002+08:00

Thus he kept watch over her, and liked to feel that she was there. The consciousness of her living presence stimulated him. But she remained more or less an ideal character, about whose form he began to weave curious and fantastic day-dreams.

This sounds all to familiar.

Music Is Universal.

2010-04-14T18:19:00.004+08:00

Ah, do that again!

Jabba the Hut

There are days when I walk around almost aimlessly, and often, ever so softly, I sing to myself - "Cha tang ima ti tu rang tap meee tuuu". Granted, I may not be singing it correctly - it is an alien language, after all.

You're confused, and you think I'm a little off my rocker - don't you? For you Star Wars fans, I'm sure you remember this very, very well.

The bass is mean in this song, and who can argue with the coolness of the drummer at 0:19? I know I can't. In fact, even if anyone could - I don't think they should. Must've taken him a lot of work to get into Jabba's live band.

Or a lot of bad luck.

I've had the song on repeat for about fifteen minutes now. There's no saving me, and I damn sure hope I'm not alone in this one.

Indifference.

2010-04-13T23:05:00.005+08:00

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

Elie Wiesel

And so we are indifferent, always - but not for much longer. This I say not as a promise to you, but as a promise to myself. And who would tell the difference, when it doesn't really matter?

Thought For The Night.

2010-04-07T21:53:00.002+08:00

It's a slow night.

A Leap of Faith.

2010-04-07T17:03:00.004+08:00

I wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.

Billy Joel

It is done - all for the better. Now I've a weight off my chest, and everything is fine. And now, as it was done before, I will keep my eyes open for new opportunities to pursue - when they come, and I'm sure they will - I will do as I should, as is needed of me, as is needed for me - and there I will find myself a better man.

All In A Row.

2010-04-05T21:41:00.003+08:00

Hi there, how are 'ya?
Been a long time.
Seems like we've come a long way.
My, but we learn so slow;
And heroes they come and they go,
And leave us behind, as if we're supposed to know why.

Why do we give up our hearts to the past?
And why must we grow up so fast?

And all you wishing well fools with your fortunes,
Someone should send you a rose; With love from a friend,
It's nice to hear from you again.

And the storybook comes to a close.
Gone are the ribbons and bows.
Things to remember, places to go.
Pretty maids all in a row.

The Eagles

One of my all time favourites - I sing this song to myself fairly often. Though it isn't nearly as popular as the rest of their songs, I daresay this is the most honest track they've ever released.

Ring, Ring, Ring.

2010-04-04T08:08:00.005+08:00

The poetry is all in the anticipation, for there is none in reality.

Mark Twain

My mind is playing tricks on me - I keep hearing my phone ring, only to turn to it and find that I've no calls or messages. I know then that I am expecting something, someone - but what, who? And the bigger question is: why?

The Jewel of Israel.

2010-03-29T00:42:00.003+08:00

O maid, unrelenting and cold as thou art,
My bosom is proud as thine own.

Seward

Like de Bois-Guilbert, I am tamed by the brown eyes of Rebecca. In her presence my tongue is dulled, and my sword heavy. And I will choose to fight no longer, save for her, and her alone - for this day I tell all: the Jewess holds my heart, and what sweeter place is there for me?

A Fistful of Colours.

2010-03-24T23:26:00.003+08:00

"Fools", said I, "You do not know,
Silence like a cancer grows."
"Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like raindrops fell,
And echoed in the wells of silence.

Sounds of Silence, by Simon and Garfunkel

We spend our days talking, yet we say little to nothing. Like balloons in the sky these words float on by, a fistful of colours to please the wandering eye.

The Spider's Reach.

2010-03-16T14:02:00.002+08:00

Say not my art is fraud: all live by seeming.
The beggar begs with it, and the gay courtier
Gains land and title, rank and rule, by seeming;
The clergy scorn it not; and the bold soldier
Will eke with it his service. All admit it,
All practise it; and he who is content
With showing what he is shall have small credit
In church, or camp, or state. So wags the world.

Old Play

Wise words. If you understand it, would you admit the truth of these few lines, of yourself? Or are you one of many who choose to ignore the truth when it stares you in the face?

When We Were Kings.

2010-03-15T18:26:00.005+08:00

Muhammad Ali, he was like a sleeping elephant. You can do whatever you want around a sleeping elephant; whatever you want. But when he wakes up, he tramples everything.
- Malik Bowens

When I was a lot younger, I was a big fan of boxing. The ring, the lights, the audience, the champions themselves - it was all so fascinating. Having lived with my grandparents for a few years when I was young, it became normal for me to sit beside my grandfather as the latest boxing match played on the telly. Once the fight was over, my grandfather, my father, and my uncles, would tell me stories about how George Foreman punched a charging bull, cracking its skull; how Sugar Ray Robinson danced with crocodiles; and how Rocky Marciano fought off a dozen giants. They were stories meant to fuel a young boy's imagination, and for that alone I used to walk around thinking that these men were - above all - Gods on Earth.

I don't know why I stopped watching boxing, to be honest. It was a good sport, an entertaining sport.

Last week I sat down to watch a boxing movie/documentary, titled "When We Were Kings". It documented the fight between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman, in Zaire, Africa. I loved it - not because of the boxing match itself (of which footage was minimal), but because of every moment documented before it. Muhammad Ali was amazing to watch - his confidence, his strength, his resolve and determination. Simply amazing. I sat in awe, wondering how anyone could be so exciting, so sure of themselves. So sure of what they wanted out of every living moment - or at the very least, portray themselves as such.

The documentary is full of Ali's own commentary - really entertaining stuff. Here's my favourite:-

It is befitting that I leave the game just like I came in, beating a big bad monster who knocks out everybody and no one can whup him. So when little Cassius Clay from Louisville, Kentucky, came up to stop Sonny Liston. The man who annihilated Floyd Patterson twice. HE WAS GONNA KILL ME! But he hit harder than George. His reach is longer than George's. He's a better boxer than George. And I'm better now than I was when you saw that 22-years old undeveloped kid running from Sonny Liston. I'm experienced now, professional. Jaws been broke, been knocked down a couple of times, I'm bad! Been chopping trees. I done something new for this fight. I done wrestled with an alligator. That's right. I have wrestled with an alligator. I done tussled with a whale. I done handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail. That's bad! Only last week I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalised a brick! I'm so mean I make medicine sick! Bad, fast! Fast! Fast! Last night I cut the light off in my bedroom, hit the switch and was in the bed before the room was dark.

Amazing stuff. Hahaha. I strongly recommend watching this documentary if you have some interest in boxing, or if you simply think Muhammad Ali is awesome.

Oh, FYI - the soundtrack gets two thumbs up from me. James Brown, B.B. King, and loads more - if you're a fan of the blues, of funk, it's safe to say you're gonna have difficulty keeping your feet from tapping.

Ding ding ding!

Among Strangers.

2010-03-10T23:32:00.003+08:00

Fond wretch! and what canst thou relate,
But deeds of sorrow, shame, and sin?
Thy deeds are proved - thou know'st thy fate;
But come, thy tale! begin - begin.

But I have griefs of other kind,
Troubles and sorrows more severe;
Give me to ease my tortured mind,
Lend to my woes a patient ear;
And let me, if I may not find
A friend to help, find one to hear.

Crabbe's Hall of Justice

I am afraid. I never would have dreamt that fate would deal such a horrible hand to anyone I so love. And will he recover? Is this just temporary? I am afraid, God above me, I am afraid. I have been told, "prepare yourself" - but that I cannot do, not now, not yet.

I pray, I pray - for my love for him, for his love for me - I pray it goes, like a breeze. Heaven hear my prayer: let him remember! For it is too cruel to leave him to forget.

Heaven hear my prayer.

Bird of Paradise.

2010-03-05T16:41:00.003+08:00

Oh when the Sunshine beckons to ya,
and your wings begin to unfold;
The thoughts you bring and the songs you sing,
are gonna keep me from the cold.

Hello everyone. It's certainly been a while.

End.

2009-06-07T20:05:00.002+08:00

Do I turn myself into what people want me to be, or stay myself and risk losing the people I care for?

Once upon a time I was told that I changed, and to make amends, I attempted to go back to who I was - to revert from my supposed change. And here, tonight - I believe I am who I was just years ago. Though this is so, things don't seem right - I'm unhappy, and certain people are unhappy with me.

I had an argument with Gillian last night and this morning. I spoke what was on my mind at the time, and now it's opened up a whole load of other problems. Problems which need to be confronted.

The journey home from Penang allowed me a little time to think, and now I truly see - you were right Gillian. Through all this, I've been the one to blame. The problems between you, me, and Kimberley: they were mostly faults of mine. I've found it difficult to accept change, difficult to accept that which was right in front of my eyes. And for that I've paid a heavy price, and still my debt isn't settled.

And then there are other problems. The uncertainty of my future. Once upon a time I was so sure that Psych was what I wanted to do, but today? Today I question everything - and honestly speaking, a huge part of me is about ready to give up. A huge part of me just feels like walking out into the world with my Diploma, and begin earning a life. A hard life, maybe - but lady luck may just favor me. Who knows?

I certainly don't.

I need... a break. I need some time away - not just from my everyday problems, but from the people who are a part of my everyday life. And most importantly - I need some time away from myself.

This post is a start of one journey, and the end of another. The start? My quest for fulfillment - for change. To strike a balance between being completely happy with myself, and to ensure specific others are happy with me. This is the day where I rebuild broken down walls, the day I throw away all expectations - expectations of myself, and the expectations I have of others. This is the day I leave me here, in front of this screen, and never look back.

And what of the end? That doesn't just relate to the "death" of a persona, but also the end of his memories and passions. I promised myself once - I'd never mention anyone's name when I spoke of my own troubles on this blog. Today, I've broken that promise. And with that promise, I'm breaking away from this... journal of mine.

Will I come back? Who's to say? For now, this seems permanent. I'll keep this blog open, just in case I ever feel like coming back and putting my thoughts into words. Even so, I'm certain that there won't be any updates for a long time to come.

A long, long time to come.

My experiences on the 29th, of NCSM's Relay for Life - I guess those will never see the light of day. And Aliff - I had something ready for you, but that too disappears tonight. I'm sorry.

This is the end.

Goodnight everyone.

Uncertainty.

2009-06-06T23:00:00.000+08:00

Tonight, in this hotel room... I am caught questioning just one thing: was it wise?

It had been bugging me for so long, and tonight... it almost felt right. It almost felt like putting it out in the open was what I needed, was what's important.

But now I'm not sure. Now I sit here, wondering if I should have kept it to myself - if I should have pressed myself to endure, and let time do its thing. If I should have kept quiet... like so many nights in these past few years.

The answer will come soon enough, won't it? It's just a matter of time now... Till one of us brings it up again.

Funny. Just thinking about it has made me a little disappointed.

Burning Paper.

2009-05-27T15:05:00.004+08:00

Is it time for me to put it all into words? Maybe.

I don't know if it shows in my previous posts, but writing.. no, expressing myself hasn't been as easy as it once was. Often I find myself sitting in solitude, contemplating a hundred different emotions, questioning every little detail about my life, my direction. Questioning, me.

And just as I sit down to put those very thoughts into words, they escape me. Not completely, but enough of it is lost - it makes me wonder why I bothered to place my fingers on a keyboard in the first place.

I came here today with a confession - and like so many times before, I'm at a loss for words.

How can writing be therapuetical when one can't write?

Still Indecisive.

2009-05-25T23:09:00.002+08:00

Which one? I look at A and I think of B, I look at B and I think of C, I look at C, and I think of A. So really - which one? I can't waste anymore time.

I don't have anymore time.

Distractions.

2009-05-23T02:26:00.005+08:00

If I can't find meaning now, then I'll keep myself attached to these distractions. It's easier to keep myself afloat that way.

A Cocktail of Feelings.

2009-05-21T22:26:00.010+08:00

Tired.

Excited.

Unhappy.

Pleased.

Annoyed.

Content.

Confused.

Angry.

In love.

Seasick Sailor.

2009-05-17T23:36:00.000+08:00

We aren't the same anymore. Though we've acknowledged it many times, and though we've tried to take ourselves down that very road we were so pleased to travel only too long ago, our efforts have all been in vain. Do you think that it ever truly helped? We would make amends, and free ourselves of the guilt that supposedly weighed us down, only to laugh for a minute, and then return to our separate paths - paths which we believe we can now tread ourselves, paths we no longer care to share.

I wonder sometimes, do we really care for the conversations we put ourselves in, or is it just for the sake of appearances?

Maybe I am wrong to even think this way, but I will not apologize for it. This is how I feel tonight, and this is the story I will read to myself before I go to bed. Will I think the same way tomorrow? Maybe, maybe not - I can never tell, not with the way my mind works, not with the way my emotions fluctuate.

It's a quiet night.

Sudirman Cup Semi Finals.

2009-05-17T16:20:00.003+08:00

Did you watch the Sudirman Cup Semi Finals between Malaysia and China? I didn't catch it live, unfortunately (I completely forgot about it, shame on me), so I caught the replay instead.

I love watching Lee Chong Wei and Lin Dan play against each other. As you most likely know already by now, Lee Chong Wei lost to Lin Dan in straight sets - but he did well. There were some minor mistakes here and there, but Chong Wei was on form - Lin Dan was just better. What I love most about the games between these two is not the pace, not the intensity of the games itself, but what comes after the game is done. These two have such an enormous amount of respect for each other, and they are so dedicated to their games that it shows so much - the joy of winning, the despair from losing, the acknowledgement of each other's ability. Such sportmanship! I've yet to see that level of sportsmanship and respect for any player as much as Chong Wei's and Lin Dan's.

And of course, what about the Men's Doubles - Malaysia's Koo Kien Keat/Tan Boon Heong against China's Cai Yun/Fu Haifeng? One word: Incredible. Watching Kien Keat and Boon Heong has always been awesome, and the fact that they had to play against China's world #1 ranked players made it so much more enjoyable to watch.

Unfortunately, Malaysia's battle for the Sudirman Cup has ended. But there's always next time. It's overused, but: Malaysia Boleh.

An Old Hobby.

2009-05-16T16:31:00.001+08:00

I am tempted to return to an old hobby of mine: trading card games and miniatures (such as Dungeons and Dragons, Mage Knights and HeroClix).

Problem is, with these games, the only people I can ever play with are my brothers. We've always been involved in games like these, sometimes even joining tournaments. It would be a lot nicer to play with people aside from them - or better yet, play with them and others! I remember our many large scale battles played over the dinner table - we designed our own terrain and we'd wage wars with our miniature figures, battling to the death for supremacy. Everything always seemed epic. It often took hours for us to determine a winner - results were never the same.

I miss those days.

I'd like to get back into it, but it is extremely expensive. My brothers and I cut cost among one another by sharing our pieces - it made army selection easier, and reduced cost drastically. Or maybe.. I should just redownload the rules for Mage Knight (I have over 300 miniature figures), and restart the game with my brothers, instead of hopping into a new miniatures game. That'll be cheaper.

Besides, I miss using my old and faithful Temple Lord.

Ahh, the number of victories you led me to.

I'm so excited!

Mutt.

2009-05-15T22:53:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like I'm nothing more than a dog - curled up in my corner, waiting for my masters to come home.

And no matter how they may treat me - I'll wag my tail for them, and wait for that much-wanted pat on the head.

Just like a dog.

Me, #52.

2009-05-11T23:56:00.001+08:00

I look up to a hundred different people, but I aspire to be no one but myself.

Hadirmu.

2009-05-07T00:37:00.002+08:00

I was listening to the above titled song just ten minutes ago, and I swear I had the biggest smile plastered across my face.

I imagine that my future partner will have a voice that will complement mine, and we'll sing this song on a beautiful day, out in the public, with my arms wrapped around her.

What? I can dream a little, can't I?

Behind The Curtains.

2009-05-04T16:25:00.002+08:00

Ha ha ha. I just realized... a post is missing from this blog. One where I was talking about a certain person who told too many lies, and how pissed I was at it.

Two minutes ago, as I was clearing my blog of saved-but-unpublished-posts, I found that post. It was - curiously enough - labeled as a draft. I know very well that I published it, and I certainly remember it having at least five comments. Curious isn't it? Scroll through my blog and you won't find that post anymore - it and the comments that came with it are gone.

To refresh your memory, here's the post:-

Walking On Lies

Some people are full of shit. I can't understand the need to make up all those stories, or to affiliate yourself with people you don't even know.

What's worse? This time you've cooked up some cock story involving your family. Nothing of the sort is happening (and I should know), and if your cooked up events ever magically come true, I wonder: how would you feel?

You think I'm not reading. You think I don't know. I know my way around, and I can find anything, anywhere, anytime I want.

Go ahead and weave your tales of turmoil - you and I both know they're just that: tales. Seems like all you really want is attention - even if it's from nothing more but sympathy.

Trust me: it's all going to come back and bite you in the ass one day. And you'll have far too many regrets then. Oh, and when it does? I'll be laughing at your sorry behind.

Laughing all the bloody way.

For those of you who follow my blog, I'm sure you remember it.

You're an intelligent fuck, aren't you? You waited till I flooded the front page with new posts, waited till this post was out of the limelight, and then you logged into my account, and removed it, didn't you? Just because I have a universal password for almost everything. You intelligent, conniving, sneaky fuck.

That's the only explanation, and I know well enough what you're capable of. You're just making it more and more difficult for me to trust you, and that's going to spillover onto everyone you know - slowly but surely.

In fact, don't count on me being as silent as I was before, alright? If and when it pleases me, I'll expose you for the fraud you are.

Two can play at being sneaky and manipulative. And you know what a capable puppeteer I am, don't you? Trust me, I'm not going to stand on a pedestal and announce your identity to the world - I'm going to pull the right strings, whisper insecurities into everything around you, tie traps to the corners of your mouth - you're going to end up unmasking yourself.

That's how I play.

This is going to be fun, isn't it?

I suggest you start praying.

Midnight Musings.

2009-05-03T01:37:00.001+08:00

Just a little... disappointed. It's not at all pleasing to see that it's given freely to others, but held from me. I wish that... I could be on the receiving end of that once in a while.

Just once in a while.

Another one of those moments. It'll pass. It comes and goes. Always.

***

It's been running wildly. The images, the feelings, the need for gratification. Almost... unhealthy. It's wonderful, but it needs to stop.

There's only one way to do that now, yes?

In Between Thoughts.

2009-04-30T10:14:00.002+08:00

Terima kasih cinta.

Resolve.

2009-04-29T20:30:00.002+08:00

Inspired, motivated. Ready to go. Here begins my fight for the right results.

This is my resolve.

Fighting With My Reflection.

2009-04-29T19:05:00.002+08:00

I thought absence was supposed to make the heart grow fonder?

Pilihanku.

2009-04-28T12:21:00.003+08:00

This song (and video) makes me smile.

A New Star

2009-04-27T22:05:00.003+08:00

I'm a dreamer. Though it has proven time and again to be a strength of mine, it is also - without a doubt - my greatest fault.

I've been dreaming for a while now.

It's high time I woke up from this particular dream.

Time to open my eyes to the possibilities again. Time to let go, to be rid of this hope which I've been holding on to for so long.

I must dream a new dream.

This black sky needs a new star to look to. Most say it's already there, that I just need to open my heart to it.

All in due time.

Flying With Daedalus.

2009-04-24T00:25:00.003+08:00

Maybe she's right - maybe I just don't care anymore. It's been pushed to the back of my mind, just like before.

Say whatever you like, at the moment I have bigger things to worry about. Much bigger things. I'm likely to temporarily forsake one path for a greater opportunity - it's going to be very, very difficult. But I'll come out on top, as I almost always do.

Here's to more blood, sweat and tears.

Forever Holding Hands.

2009-04-22T14:35:00.005+08:00

So write! Remember, write the first draft with your heart.
Write the second with your head.

- William Forrester, fictional author from the movie Finding Forrester -

Black On Black.

2009-04-19T23:27:00.002+08:00

It's 11:27PM.

I've got nothing to do tonight. I'm bored, I'm hungry, and I'm just very, very tired. The wrong lights are on in the hall, and it's beginning to annoy me. Give me a second.

Yes, that's better. Much better.

The nights have been extremely hot lately. Despite the many hours I spend on my bed, little of it is spent sleeping. Mother Nature has been teasing my area with the idea of rain for days now, but she never pulls through - I'm sure it's very much the same everywhere else. If you've had rain in your area lately, I've got to say: you're a lucky basketface.

Let's make this form of interaction a little more personal, and a little less cryptic.

What's new?

I mentioned some time back that I was finally done with my diploma. I'm on my way to beginning a whole new life in an old place - if all goes well, I'll be enrolled next month for a degree in Psychology. I can't say I'm not afraid - it's a whole new environment, and the worst bit is: I won't have the people I've known for the last four years around me. Will I be able to cope? Only time will tell.

Funny thing is, I'm 23 this year. And here I sit, waiting to spend yet another 3 years - studying for a degree. Most people my age are either: 1) studying for their Masters; 2) already running up their career ladders. I'm sure many are wondering what the bloody hell I've been doing with my life all this while. You want an honest answer? I don't know either.

Sigh. To imagine, I'll only be out and about in the working world when I'm 26 - and that's assuming that I don't fail any of my subjects.

Alright, alright. Enough of that.

I've had a few close friends leave for greener pastures in the past year, and soon enough a few more will be leaving. Things sure are changing, aren't they? Yes... they definitely are.

It's been a little lonely lately. I've not seen or talked to a select few people for months now, and it's not at all pleasing. It's been weeks since I last talked to Collin, longer still since I talked to Thilagan. And what of my proclaimed best friend, Guna? I haven't seen him since... well, forever. There are a couple of others I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'll leave their names out of here for tonight - they know who they are.

On a lighter note, I haven't cut my hair in weeks. Probably months. I think the last time was in January. Or February. I don't know. It's messy, and all too difficult to comb. Why don't I just cut it then? Simple: malas.

Hmm. It's been a while since I actually made an attempt to update this blog with content like this. Much easier to do, less energy spent trying to construct sentences that hide the true meaning of things.

Ah well. Look at the time.

It's 12:05AM. It's taken me a good half hour to get to this point.

Also, I've noticed something. The sky tonight is clear. Crystal clear.

One has to wonder why there isn't a single star in the sky tonight.

The Truth of Matters.

2009-04-11T19:54:00.002+08:00

Why? Why is this?
Think'st thou, I 'ld make a life of jealousy;
To follow still the changes of the Moon
With fresh suspicions? No: to be once in doubt,
Is once to be resolv'd: exchange me for a goat,
When I shall turn the business of my soul
To such exsufflicate, and blown surmises,
Matching thy inference. 'Tis not to make me jealous,
To say my wife is fair, feeds well, loves company,
Is free of speech, sings, plays, and dances:
Where virtue is, these are more virtuous.
Nor from mine own weak merits, will I draw
The smallest fear, or doubt of her revolt,
For she had eyes, and chose me. No Iago,
I'll see before I doubt; when I doubt, prove;
And on the proof, there is no more but this,
Away at once with love, or jealousy.

- Othello, Act three, scene three, a play by William Shakespeare -

Ah, Othello. If only I had such wit and rationale as you possess; if only your patience were my own. To have these virtues, and to hold my own against the whispers of demons akin to Iago... I would be a better man.

A much better man.

Made Of Glass.

2009-04-07T03:00:00.002+08:00

I used to think that I could do whatever I wanted, however I wanted. I used to feel like I had it all, that I was unstoppable. I used to feel like the road was mine, and that I could drive my way around anything and everything.

I was that confident.

I’ll be honest – I was that confident for a reason. I did know a few tricks, and I believed in my abilities more than I believed the Sun would rise tomorrow.

I was overconfident.

It’s been three months since, and today I’m a very different man. I hide it as best as I can from the people around me – I doubt anyone can tell that I’m insanely afraid of driving. Every little bump in the road makes my heart jump – I often find myself wiping away the sweat off my palms whenever I step out of the driver’s seat. I used to be the kind of guy that hated being in the passenger seat – I always wanted to be the one in control, and secretly I always wanted to be the one to show off. These days I find myself in the passenger seat almost too often, and I’m comfortable there. Very comfortable.

Contrary to what people may think, my driving habits have severely changed. My family still thinks I drive like I’m late for my wedding, but the truth is I’ve never driven slower. My average speed? 60KM/H. On the highway.

I know now that I am not what I think I am, that I can’t really do what I thought I could. I was always much too eager to prove myself, much too eager to keep up, much too eager to show off.

I lost my love for driving somewhere in the past three months. But the story doesn’t end on a sad note – today I found that love again.

No, I wasn’t speeding away. No, I wasn’t sliding all over the place. I was still travelling at a snail’s pace, and I was much too careful around corners to allow my car even the slightest of slides. But it was a great drive nonetheless.

I loved the feel of the road, and I loved the time spent just being in that driver’s seat. It took me a good fourty minutes or so to reach home (when it should only take fifteen minutes – at a safe and respectable speed), and I enjoyed every single minute of it. Every single one.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m still not over my fear of driving. But it’s a start. At the very least, I’m finally a little more comfortable there. At the moment, I’m not interested in going back to being able to hold my own at high speeds, or slide a car through corners without breaking a sweat – no, not at all. At the moment, I don’t feel like pushing myself – I just want to stroll on through, and I want to take in the view. It’s so much better this way.

So much better.

Sanctuary.

2009-04-04T20:12:00.005+08:00

It's dark outside, and the wind is heavy. Flashes of lightning illuminate the black sky, with thunder roaring across the night - the only sound to dwarf the loud beating of the rain. Just a little longer, and I wouldn't be surprised to see a flood in this part of the country.

I'm alone here, tonight. Apart from all the ruckus Mother Nature is making, it's fairly quiet and peaceful here. The air that's swirling in here is cool, and there's a refreshing scent about it. God knows why, but I've got the biggest smile plastered across my face - it's been there since the rain started.

It's odd - the condition outside couldn't be worse, but it's that same condition that's evoked quite a few warm memories. I've images in my head of bright eyes and wide smiles, of silly faces and silent laughter. And I just can't explain it, but I literally feel warm in all the right places - it's like that special someone's got her arms wrapped around me, and by God I don't want her to let me go, no, not just yet.

I feel... so content. It's almost as if I've got everything I've ever wanted with me. Almost. Funny how simple memories can make a feather out of a heavy guy like me - I'm floating to wherever the wind feels like taking me.

I wonder how long this will last. Never long enough, but certainly... I hope, longer than it could be.

Tonight, the world may be nothing more than a gloom - I could care less. I'm happy. Happy as happy can be. And now that I've stopped to notice, I find that the rain's subsiding. That's alright by me - I'm still smiling.

Somewhere Comfortable.

2009-04-02T20:38:00.003+08:00

If you were to walk into my bedroom tonight, you'd think I was a slob. And from that single observation, you wouldn't be wrong - my clothes are all over the place, my bed is a mess, and I've got a book and two or three magazines just lying about on the floor.

The thing is, tonight isn't an exception to other nights: my room is only ever tidy once in a month or two.

Truth be told, it doesn't really bother me. I rarely spend a waking hour in there - my bedroom is there simply for two reasons: when I need to sleep, and when I need to change. Other than that, well, I have no need for it.

Unlike 90% of my peers, when I'm home, I spend all of my time in the family hall. Reading, browsing the Internet, listening to music, talking on the phone - it's all done right here, in the heart of my home. Odd really, when I'm the kind of guy who treasures privacy above almost all else.

Ha ha. Totally off topic, but a funny thought just came to mind. Despite the fact that we have incredibly comfortable couches in our homes, we Dewinds rarely ever use them. We're usually found sitting about on the floor, laughing away, and - more often than not - insulting one another. We're more kampung than anyone I actually know (not just relating to the sitting-on-the-floor-bit of course).

Anyway, back to what I was talking about earlier. The family hall. Yes, it's my favourite spot - it's warm, it's cool, and it's just oh-so-darn comfortable.

I get incredibly irritated when it's messy.

Sometimes I come home and I find it in a mess - my sister's books thrown all over the floor, my brother's mugs all over the table, pillows not where they should be. Whenever I tell my siblings to clear it up, they ignore me (particularly my sister) - this usually leads to a shoutfest, or if I'm really impatient, me clearing it all up myself.

Meh.

I just realised... I often feel a little lost when I'm home and I can't spend my time in the hall. If friends of my parents come over or something - I usually find myself pacing in my room, and checking every now and again if they've left. Ha ha ha! Why am I so odd?

***

My parents told me last week that I talked too much as a child. I used to ask too many questions, and they'd get tired of answering me. I told them that intelligent children generally asked many questions.

They laughed.

But seriously. Looking back, the one thing that has been constant throughout my life was my need to ask questions - I needed to know the how things worked, I needed to know why they worked the way they did.

I haven't asked questions like those in a long while. Lately I've been concentrating on completely different questions - questions that involve other people, questions that ultimately do little for me: "How are you?", "Are you alright?", "Is there something bugging you?"

I've gotten myself more involved in the people around me - not a bad thing, really. I guess I just need to learn to strike a balance somewhere.

I need to start asking the right questions again. Questions that serve me, and only me.

Yeah, I'm pretty darn selfish.

Keeping It Mum.

2009-03-28T10:25:00.007+08:00

I'm relying on little more than memories to keep me warm.

When books and the colour blue become the only pursuit, I am forced to keep myself quiet.

Stand aside and wait - it's all only for the best.

But it doesn't change one fact: I miss it all.

This distance, the stillness in the air - just a little longer, right?

Just a little longer.

An Old Favourite.

2009-03-16T00:37:00.001+08:00

One more day down
Everybody has those days
Where one soft sweet song's
Just enough to clear my head

Fall on real life
Is anybody left there sane?
If we slide on over and accept fate
Then its bound to be a powerful thing

If it's just that you're weak
Can we talk about it
Its gettin' so damn creepy
Just nursing this ghost of chance
The fiction, the romance
And the technicolor dreams
Of black and white people

One boy head strong
Thinks that living here's just plain
Hes pushed down so hard
You can hear him start to sink

And it's one last round of petty conversation
You hold on boy cuz
You won't go down like this?
Just roll on over
Lay down till it's more than you can take

If it's just that you're weak
Can we talk about it
Its gettin' so damn creepy
Just nursing this ghost of chance
The fiction, the romance
And the technicolor dreams
Of black and white people

So one more day down
And everybody's changin'
One soft sweet sound
Is just enough to clear my head

If it's just that you're weak
Can we talk about it
Its gettin' so damn creepy
Just nursing this ghost of chance
The fiction, the romance
And the technicolor dreams
Of black and white people

Yeah if you're weak
Can we talk about it
Its gettin' so damn creepy
Just nursing this ghost of chance
The fiction, the romance
And the technicolor dreams
Of black and white people

We are black and white people
We are black and white people
We are black and white people

- Black and White People, Matchbox Twenty -

Painting Walls Without Rollers.

2009-03-13T00:27:00.003+08:00

Gah.

I spent the last nine hours of my life studying. And the best bit is, I've been studying two very different fields of education - engineering and accounting. Why? Because they relate mainly to theories, therefore qualifying me as a natural tutor (don't ask me how).

This is particularly tough - I'm learning from nothing but books. For all my time spent in college, I learned by listening - whether it be what the lecturers threw at me, the questions my classmates asked, or just "listening" to the environment. I always took down notes of what I thought was important, but even then it was rare that I ever actually read them.

Textbooks? They were just there as a backup - but I never truly used them. I just can't study by reading, which is probably the main reason why my parents think I don't spend enough time studying - they almost never see me reading notes/textbooks.

And now I've got a headache - reading, reading, re-reading, reading, re-reading... I'm just not cut out for this! Throw away the textbook, give me just a part of the overall picture and I swear I'd be able to draw out everything you didn't show me. That's how I work. And I damn-well know that I'm great when I work this way.

Thought I'd give myself a little break by blogging. Guess this is as far as it goes - already I'm behind schedule. Time to... reread that particular section for the fifteenth time.

Hmph.

Just Another.

2009-03-07T22:58:00.002+08:00

I could be somewhere else tonight.

I want to be somewhere else tonight.

I want... that. Just that.

But I'm here tonight.

And there's little more I can say about it all.

Broken Shackles.

2009-03-01T15:16:00.002+08:00

It's official - I'm free. Goodbye I.T. Department.

Hurrah.

The Hourglass.

2009-02-23T17:20:00.003+08:00

A vault of secrets - a place only we know. In here I see the markings of our past, our present, and the hazy image of our future. And in the corner, hiding behind the portraits of familiar faces - an hourglass made from the finest of wood.

The sands are flowing and the hourglass is almost spent - do I turn it and allow another hour to pass?

While I cannot clearly recall, I know that I've turned it alone all too many times. It is no wonder then that these arms no longer know their strength. Frail, with too many cuts and bruises to care for.

There will come a time when they will fail me. And when that day comes, do not speak my name in disdain. I am not to be blamed for it all.

Today, maybe just one more time. I'll turn the hourglass, and wait till the sands stop falling. Maybe the next time it's spent, I'll have you to turn it with me.

Life After Death.

2009-02-22T21:32:00.004+08:00

from Geek & Poke

As most of you already know, I've always been rather fascinated with Death. After my accident last month, I found myself something new to think about - or rather, I started thinking differently about something that's been around for a long time.

Almost every culture/religion believes in some form of life after death. Whether it be rebirth, reincarnation, or merely ascending to a higher plane (Heaven/Hell) - these cultures/religions emphasize on the fact that when we die, we're not going to be confined in a buried box forever. Of course, where we go/what we become when we ascend/reincarnate is a different thing altogether.

That's as far as my knowledge goes on life after death. Do good, go to Heaven/reincarnate as a handsome prince. Be bad, have fun in Hell/reincarnate as a dung beetle.

But what if it were different? What if the term "Life after Death" truly meant life after death? To explain further... What if in reality I died tonight, but I lived on in my own reality tomorrow? A reality filled with the same people, the same places, and the same problems that I had when I was alive? The question is...

... What if I continued living tomorrow, as though I never died today?

Is this possible?

The thought occurred to me minutes after my crash, when I calmed myself down. I stood there in disbelief - the amount of damage was insane, and there I was standing with merely a few cuts on my arm. My parents and uncle claimed I was lucky to be alive, and even the chief mechanic was surprised to see me me when I told him I was the one driving the car. Everyone had the same idea: the driver involved in this accident should have died, or at least be lying in some hospital bed.

Let us imagine two realities now. The first reality (A), is the one we currently reside in. The second and third reality, (B) and (C), we will get to shortly. In (A), everything is as it is - having dinner with your friends, watching a movie with a loved one, chatting on the Internet, etc. You are a part of this reality. Now let's pretend that while in (A), you died. This is where reality (B) and (C) comes in.

You die in reality (A), no doubt about it. Your friends and family mourn, and they will forever lead their lives without you beside them.

You, however, continue living in reality (C).

Example: You have a heart attack and die. That's reality (B) for everyone else - a reality where you cease to exist. But to you, you had a heart attack, and you survived. That's reality (C) for you.

What if your mind had the power to create a completely new reality for you upon your death? A reality fabricated from your memory of things, understanding of human behaviour, general perceptions of your surroundings, and from your hopes and fears?

The design of your world will be based on your memory, and advancements in structure would largely depend on harnessing your imagination. The daily barrage of responses from your friends, family, and strangers will depend on your own emotional bond and experience with these people. What responses and when they would be used would depend on a highly complex internal algorithm which would weigh every little detail concerning the situation.

To put it simply, your "new life" is programmed on the day you die, using all the material (experience) you've obtained throughout your actual life. This is sort of a defense mechanism - instinct provokes a reaction out of every living thing when it is threatened. If it were threatened with the ultimate moment - death - what is the body capable of? It has been proven after all - life is far too precious. So what can the mind and body do to keep you "alive"?

I remember telling Kimberley that I may actually be dead, and my conversation with her was merely a part of a pre-programmed situation. She hit me on the hand, stating that if I felt it, I'm definitely not dead. I wasn't convinced - I daresay I know her well enough, and it's quite possible that her very reaction to my question was what I would've expected from her if I truly believed myself to be alive at the time.

Now, the question that arises here is: what will run this "new life"? I asked a few people on their perception of life after death, and Banun said something interesting:-

Energy can't be created or destroyed. So when you, loosely speaking, 'die' - meaning all your organs stop working and your brain stops converting energy to chemical energy (i.e thoughts and stuff), all that energy that was working - involuntary muscles, heartbeats, etc, is just gone. Or at least, converted into some sort of potential energy which is transferred to the ground when we decompose. Right? I mean, we learn about the whole.. food chain thing where 10% of energy is transferred each time an organism is eaten and the other 90% is used up during consumption. So basically, we're just spread around the world.

I had a similar idea. Now what if the human mind had a way of collecting all that energy, using some to create a new reality, then keeping the rest intact someway to sustain the newly created reality?

I know for a fact that the human mind is not fully understood, even with all our advancements in science today. What if this was one of the mind's abilities?

Now, what if we decide to look at it from a spiritual point of view? I was taught as a young boy that when Muslims die, we are destined to wait in our graves for the day of judgement. If we were good in life, our time spent in the grave would feel short, and we'd have a lot of space to move about in our coffins. If we sinned a lot in life, then the walls of our coffins would close on us and judgement day would seem an eternity away.

Try not taking it literally. If you led a good life, it's likely that upon death your "new life" will be programmed to be fairly simple and with problems which you can naturally confront and end. If you led a sinful life, then your "new life" will be programmed for hardships beyond your ability to comprehend. The idea behind here is that in general, our problems lead us to make decisions, for right or wrong, and our methods to making these decisions come to light. Our consciousness determines if what we do is truly acceptable by our standards - if it is, then we are altogether more light-hearted. If it isn't, then we're held down by it (consciously or subconsciously).
** This was particularly difficult to explain. I will edit this section as soon as I find a better way to present it. **

This is my justification (spiritually), based on my knowledge of Islam. I will not make any say on other religions/cultures as I do not know enough about them.

I ask the more open minded ones: what do you think? Is this plausible? This is a very rough idea (of course, largely stemming from the fact that I have no life and too much of an imagination), and I'm keen on expanding it. Death is too mysterious to ignore.

This whole post has been fairly messy - this particular thought of mine hasn't been very easy to put down in words. I apologise. I hope you understand that I'm merely contemplating and in no way insulting any long-believed trends/traditions.

Angry.

2009-02-20T23:06:00.004+08:00

I am trying very hard to find the words to express how pissed I am with a lot of things right now. This post is probably going to be filled with a lot of things people wouldn't like to read, so if you want to keep that smile on your face - get off and on to another fucking page.

I am just pissed. Plain and simple. Why? Fuck you, I'm not going to give you my reasons here. It's a lucky thing that I'm stuck here at home, because I swear if I were out, I'd have my fist in someone's face.

I am so angry I'm shaking all over the place. I am not happy with what I see, I am damn well not happy with what I hear, and fuck you if you think I could very well ignore everything that's wrong in the first place. Fuck you.

The only reason I'm even on this fucked up page is because I feel blogging might help me calm down a little. Might help - safe to say we'll have to wait a couple of hours before any effect might show.

I want to bruise someone right now. I want to grab someone's arm, twist it and hear them scream their fucking nuts off as their bones break. I want to swing my fist into someone's face, and Godfuckingdamnit I want to see their teeth fall out. I want to make someone bleed, or fucking bleed myself dry trying. The only thing that's keeping me inside is the fact that I've got no fucking car, and for that some bloody bastard out there better be thankful for.

Fuck you. Honestly, fuck you. Just... Fuck you.

So Long, Farewell.

2009-02-20T21:45:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, one of my closest friends departed for Australia, to further his studies in I.T.
Though I know I'll see him in a few months time (when his term break comes around), it was a fairly sombre moment for me.

There were just a little more than a handful of us there yesterday to send him off - Aliff, Amir, Arnold, Kumar, Victor, Weng Chi, Yip, and myself - everyone else was pretty busy (to my knowledge).

Words cannot express how much I'm going to miss that damn Indian. Sure, time may fly fast, but it'll never fly fast enough. Especially not when it comes to Thilagan. He's always been an incredible friend, and I can't say I'm a little envious of those Aussies for having him around.

Suddenly I'm reminded of all the times we played foosball together. He was only ever good for "sayur" shots, and he was pretty good at it. And he was my main pool partner - I never played pool with anyone quite as much as I did with him. Then there's the assignments! Always the intelligent bastard. Thank God for him, because I'd have failed a helluva lot more subjects if not for all his help.

My gosh. I'm talking about him as if he's dead and gone. There's a lot more to him, of course, but whatever eh? I'm just in the mood for a simple post, and this is what it'll be.

Thilagan! Though it's very likely you'll never read this, once again: All the best my friend. I'll be waiting patiently for you to come back home - hopefully I'll be good enough to teach you a lesson or two in pool by then :P

Till then.

When 'G's Look Like 'C's.

2009-02-19T12:37:00.004+08:00

I really need to get my eyes checked soon. Things aren't as clear as they used to be, and it's giving me headaches just looking at the screen.

I used to eat breakfast and read the newspaper without my glasses on! Now I need them on if I'm to make out anything that's published. I'm not sure why it got this bad so fast.

Just as well I guess - I'm in need of new contacts.

Misread, Mislead, Misery.

2009-02-17T18:07:00.004+08:00

It's only been a little more than three weeks since we had a decent conversation - one that we were both comfortable in. Only a little more than three weeks.

I swear to you, it feels so much longer like that. Almost... like a goddamn eternity. Or something close to it. If I didn't look at the calendar today and say "Hey, it's only the 17th", I could easily be deceived into believing we've not spoken to one another for half a year.

Sigh.

How much longer till we're both ready?

Something Mathematical.

2009-02-16T21:42:00.002+08:00

Shh.

Of Course, There's Always Room For A Witty Title.

2009-02-14T03:28:00.003+08:00

:(

***

Here's a quick one:-

Changeling: Good.

Slumdog Millionaire: Very very good.

Watch them.

Snow Globe.

2009-02-09T01:20:00.001+08:00

My head is like a snow globe that's been shaken hard - everything's all over the place.

Looking Into Someone Else's Mirror.

2009-02-01T22:08:00.005+08:00

I was reading one of my copies of the National Geographic Magazine when I stumbled across a very interesting article. The introduction reads:-

To judge by appearance, this is one misfit beast. Car-size and blimp-shaped, on land it's usually found lolling around. Sure, it's no supermodel, but underneath the blubbery disguise it turns out to be a superhero - its life a series of magnificent feats.

I know. I was stunned too - after all these years, FINALLY! The people at Nat Geo Mag finally recognized my awesomeness, and decided to do an article about me! MEEEE! You wouldn't believe how excited I was after reading those few lines.

Unfortunately, my excitement was short-lived. Reading further, I found out that the article was actually about elephant seals. To think! That description fit me perfectly, but it wasn't meant for me! It was for some dumb elephant seal.

Do you know what an elephant seal looks like?

Here you go:-

'Sup?

Exactly. That thing is huge and not-too-pretty.

I thought to myself: this is wrong - am I really that similar to an elephant seal?
That's when I decided to take a test. I took a photo of myself, to compare with the one above.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

OhmyfuckingGod..

Yearp. There's no denying it now: I'm part human, part elephant seal. Get your autographs while you still can - I'll be signing myself up for experiments two weeks from now.

Dia.

2009-01-30T17:16:00.002+08:00

I'm just waiting till my father goes down to Indonesia - I want Maliq & D'Essentials "Free Your Mind (Repackaged)". There are a few new songs there. One of them? Just press play. Trust me, you'll love the song.

Temukan apa arti di balik cerita
Hati ini terasa berbunga-bunga
Membuat seakan aku melayang terbuai asmara

Adakah satu arti dibalik tatapan
Tersipu malu akan sebuah senyuman
Membuat suasana menjadi nyata
Begitu indahnya

Dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, akuinginkan
Dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna

Tanpa buai kata tercuri hatiku
Dia tunjukan dengan tulus cintanya
Terasa berbeda
Saat bersamanya
Aku jatuh cinta

Dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, kuinginkan
Dia oh dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna
Dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, aku inginkan
Dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna

Dia bukakan pintu hatiku yang lama tak bisa
Percayakan cinta hingga dia disni
Memberi cinta ku harapan

Dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, aku inginkan
Dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna
Dia seperti apa yang kunantikan, aku inginkan
Dia dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna

Give me your love (nothing in this world could compare your love to me)
Give me your love now (I wanna tell the world when you give your love to me)
So come on and love me

4:28PM.

2009-01-30T16:16:00.003+08:00

They look at each other, wondering what the other is thinking.
But they never say a thing.
And these crimes between us grow deeper.

Almost The Same.

2009-01-26T20:16:00.002+08:00

If I could show you the sky tonight, from where I stand, I would: it's a beautiful night, the stars shining brightly, the clouds lightly illuminated by the silent heavens.

It reminds me of that night in Malacca, only maybe here the sky is prettier. I only wish I have the same company now, as I did the other night.

Hey. I miss you.

With The Stars In Our Sky.

2009-01-22T21:05:00.003+08:00

Just a favourite of mine that I thought I'd share. What do you think? :)

Victor's Tag.

2009-01-21T13:07:00.004+08:00

Victor tagged me a few days back. Here goes nothing.

Directions :
Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose five people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don’t forget to leave a comment (“You’re tagged!”), and to read your blog, you can’t tag a person who tagged you. Since you can’t tag me, let me know when you’ve posted your blog, so I can see your weirdness.

Sixteen? That's... a weird number.

#1 - I am not bothered to remove the skin off a prawn before eating it.
#2 - I have fake boobs resting on one of my shelves, which is supposed to be used to relieve stress. Hey! Don't judge me - they were gifts.
#3 - I am physically 22 years old. Mentally 7.
#4 - I always try to look at things from different angles, even if I may not like what I see.
#5 - I am a huge fan of the Dave Matthews Band and Maliq & D'Essentials.
#6 - Despite the fact that I failed C++, many of my former C++ classmates still regard me as a programming God. Apparently I knew my stuff in class.
#7 - My favourite number is probably 29.
#8 - My favourite colour is probably white.
#9 - I love nasi goreng ketam. Fuck if I could eat it everyday? I wouldn't. Who the hell eats the same thing every day?
#10 - I hide my sincerity behind my jokes.
#11 - I love playing with toys. Toys R Us is probably one of my favourite places on earth.
#12 - I love my nasi lemak with all these in it: cockels, chicken, and a fried egg! Now this, if I could eat everyday? I still wouldn't.
#13 - I cannot go one day without eating vegetables.
#14 - I need a haircut.
#15 - I excel in games in a supportive role. I never do well as frontliners like Aliff, Weng Chi, Victor, Arnold and Yip. I'll stick to the Medic and Engineer classes.
#16 - I haven't had banana leaf rice in a while. Maybe I'll go next week! O_o

Alright, I've to choose five people. And the unlucky bastards are (who's to say they'll even do it >_>):
Kimberley Stephanie Banun Collin thattwistedjazzerperson (eheh eheh heh another tag for you >_>)
Also, I won't bother telling people they've been tagged. You read you wanna do you do. Simple.

Just Another Short Story.

2009-01-15T18:55:00.002+08:00

They call me U'lir. It is out of respect for me, for I am the eldest of them all, youngest of a generation that no longer exist. I have seen the seven lights of day, bathed in the still waters of Lwob, survived three Great Floods. Great Floods which took from me all that I held dear - my friends, my family. I lost my mother - who was also my father, my brother, and my sister; the only one I ever truly loved - in the First Great Flood. She had pushed me against the edge of this great white kingdom, and I remember clinging for dear life as she was swept away into the abyss.

I lost my children in the Second Great Flood, though most at the time only knew it to be the First. Few lived to endure a second flood, and so it was that the world lay without knowing that these floods were constant, and world-devouring.

The Third Great Flood took with it more of my friends, more of my people - and more of our civilization was lost. But I endured. I lived in fear of the floods everyday of my life, and everyday I clinged to the edges of our white kingdom - many thought I was crazy, few had sympathy for me knowing the horrors I have witnessed.

The floods were always the same. Hot liquid would rain down on us - warning of a greater disaster. And then the water would rush down on us, pushing and pulling us into the darkness below.

But something was different today. Today the hot rain came, but the floods did not come immediately after. The sky began to darken, and a shadow was cast over our kingdom. Then our city was covered in a stench so foul that only Gods would be unaffected by it.

And from the sky fell a black vessel, blacker than the darkest corner of any room. It caught many of my people in it, and I saw the terror in their eyes as they tried to free themselves of it. In my desperate attempt to save myself from it, I pushed a youngling into the black vessel's grip - I will forever remember his cry for help, the disbelief in his tone as I ran away, not caring for his life.

Many tried to save those caught in the clutches of the vessel, and while doing so most did not realize that the sky had turned bright again - whatever that was casting a shadow over us was now gone.

And then I heard the familiar rumble.

It came unto us within the blink of an eye. The floods rushed down, pulling everyone and everything I knew with it. I held on with all my might, not willing to let it take me - I endured three floods, I told myself I would make it through the fourth and endure a fifth.

And so I did.

It went as fast as it came.

And still I live. There were few around me - remnants of yet another generation which has ceased to exist. We would rebuild our kingdom, together. And we would see through the sorrow of this flood, and forever live in fear of the next.

Yes. This is our life.

The life of a micro-organism living in a toilet bowl.

***

I have too much time on my hands.

Simple Pleasures.

2009-01-15T08:34:00.002+08:00

Was tagged by my cousin, Kak Syu, a while back. Now that I can, here it is!

Rules:List down as many simples pleasures as you can. Now, the definition for simple pleasures would be something that almost anyone can do, without paying money for it. Something SIMPLE that makes your heart sing or makes you go "aaaahhhhhh.......".

1- Driving around in my car, with Gillian and Kimberley for company. (this does require a certain amount of money though, doesn't it? BAH WHATEVER! *runs of lalala-ing*)
2- Trading insults among friends. Now that's one where everybody wins :P
3- A great night's sleep.
4- Wonderful weather.
5- Singing birds!
6- Early morning sunshine. I love the way it lights up the room, and its warmth is just... indescribable.
7- Penning/Typing down my thoughts about anything and everything.
8- Listening to music, particularly the Dave Matthews Band and Maliq & D'Essentials. :)
9- A long, hot bath.
10- A tight, sincere hug - one of the best things to brighten up my day, even if it was already blindingly bright to begin with :D
11- Soft hair >_>
12- Laughter. Just plain laughter.
13- Lying back and dreaming up worlds of wonder with whatever imagination I have.

and because 13 might be considered an unlucky number >_>

14- A beautiful smile.

Whoop. So! Who am I tagging? I'll tag... Kimberley (not that she ever does my tags...), Victor (nice enough to do every tag I've tagged him for), Stephanie, Banun, Aliff, Yip, that girl from twistedjazzer (eheh heh heh >_>), Collin (it'll probably take him months to do it, but what the heck. The bugger's a slow blogger), and my other cousin Zahidi (God knows why I grin whenever I read his blog).

Quite a few emotes in this post, no? Hooboy.