Me.

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Possibly intelligent.

Addict.
Monday, January 8, 2018

Hi. It's been a while.

For a moment I forgot this place existed. Quite a few memories here. Is it time to share and make more?

It has been almost 12 years now since she and I became close. A little less since she and I started calling one another "best friend". About the same amount of time I've been in love with her.

In a world where feelings fade after 12 months, 12 years is a long time to be in love. These days if any of us manage to stick to one another for anything more than a year, we'd call it an achievement.

But here I am. 12 years down the road. And I feel no different.

I've talked about how it's torture. About how I want it to go away and finally get some peace.

Maybe today I'll talk about how it's been some of the best times of my life.

I don't have to put it in so many words. It's quite simple: I love getting lost in her eyes. I love listening to her chuckle. I love the way her hair falls over her shoulders when she turns to catch my eye. I love the way she hops towards something excitedly, and I love the way she hums a tune when she's sure no one else is listening.

I love how she makes me feel weightless when I'm around her.
I love how all my walls are down when I'm with her.
I love that I don't have a worry in the world when I'm in her company.

And that's probably why I'm still here. I love everything about her, and I love everything that she does to me when I'm near her.

There's a good chance that 12 years from now I'll find myself looking up to a sky filled with stars, and I'll tell myself: "I wish you were here to see this with me".

In a world where feelings fade after 12 months, 12 years is a long time to be in love. 12 years is a long, long time to be in love.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:45 PM 0 comment(s)  

Paperback.
Thursday, December 6, 2012


"Sometimes I sensed that the books I read in rapid succession had set up some sort of murmur among themselves, transforming my head into an orchestra pit where different musical instruments sounded out, and I would realize that I could endure this life because of these musicales going on in my head."
The New Life, Orhan Pamuk

I have always had a deep love of books. In fact, I think of all the love I have ever experienced, my love for books is the one love that has been sincere throughout.

I have grown up with the likes of Tolkien, Irving, Fitzgerald, Hardy, and most importantly: Dostoevsky.

I was once laughed at, because I dropped a book, and after picking it up, I touched it to my forehead and then to my heart as an apology for allowing it to fall. I cannot blame those who laughed, I would have done the same had I been in their position, had I not understood the significance of books to my being.

I am who I am today, not just because of the way my environment has moulded me, but because of the books I have read. Like any other book lover, I have travelled to distant places, visited lands alien to mankind. I have tasted, time and again, the waters of a distant shore, and I have felt the joy and sorrow of many a man and woman.

I have lived a hundred different lives, and so I have loved and lost a thousand more.

Ah, books.

The point of this post is that I am thankful for all that has been written, for all the ideas and the stories that have been shared. They have made me who I am today. They will continue to mould me, continue to take me to places I've never been to before.

And I can't wait to start on the next book.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:12 PM 0 comment(s)  

Push.
Thursday, October 18, 2012

I have got a lot to do.

I am now working towards a few goals. It's a lot of work - and it's incredibly tiring - but if all goes well, I'll be in a good place.

I pray for the strength to see these things through, to persevere.

Keep pushing.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:48 PM 0 comment(s)  

Between the Orchard and the Orphanage.
Monday, October 1, 2012


When I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what I have attained,
Little room do I find for pride
I am aware
How many days have been idly spent;
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside.
But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tides.
- Loss And Gain,  by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


In the closing chapters of "The Cider House Rules", we find the main character struggling between choosing the life he loves (with the people he loves) in an apple orchard, or a life of duty to the people who need it (in the orphanage). I grew to love that character, and I was deeply saddened when I realised that he was going to forsake his own happiness for the happiness of another. Yes, it's another tale of self-sacrifice - but the tale hurts, and somehow I felt like I was there with him, making the exact same choice.

Maybe that's why I was sad.

I had my mind set on leaving behind a few dreams. I determined to be more practical about things, to do the more sensible thing.

And so I did, for a while.

Then the day came when I started dreaming again, and suddenly all my work went undone.

You see, I've been in love with my best friend for the past six years. I've told her many times about the way I feel about her, but unfortunately she's never felt the same way towards me. So I sucked it up (or at least, I tried to), and tried to look elsewhere for that special companionship. For a while, it worked - last year I started doing things differently, and I went on a few dates here and there. It was awkward (before this it had been seven years since I dated), but for that short while I concentrated more on developing my feelings for others, instead of dwelling on the fact that I was in love with my best friend.

Fast forward a few months, and suddenly there she was: she had just broken up with her boyfriend, and she was single again. And that's when I threw all my hard work aside - I allowed my feelings for her to return to the fore. This time around, I tried to portray myself in a different light, and I continued my pursuit, hoping that maybe, this time, she'd come around and maybe just give it a shot.

I was so caught up in trying to look the better man that I forgot one important thing: my closest friend was there, hurting from another relationship gone wrong. There were a few times where she tried to talk to me, and I now realise that I didn't give her the chance to speak. We used to go on long drives together, and we'd talk about everything under the Sun - when she was down, I'd never let her leave the car till she said all that she needed to say to feel somewhat better about herself/her situation. Last week she tried to tell me something, but I didn't think much of it, and instead I turned off the car, signalling to her to leave the car with me to join a couple of friends for drinks.

I should've done what I usually do - I should've stayed in there with her, and talked things through. My determination to get her to understand that she'd be better off being in a relationship with me ended up turning me into just another insensitive guy.

I always tell people: always go with your gut feeling. Your gut is never wrong. And my gut has been telling me the same thing for a while now: this relationship thing is never going to happen with her. I guess it's time I listened to my (incredibly large) gut - I think it's time I went back to being her best friend, and not just another guy who's trying to get her to love him.

I think that would make things easier for her. She knows what I've been trying to do, and I'm sure it's made her feel awkward. And if I stop this, maybe she'll be happier for it.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, like the main character in "The Cider House Rules", I'm choosing to go back to the orphanage (in other words, I'm going to leave behind this dream of calling her mine).

I know it sounds sad, but there's one thing I forgot to mention about the main character. You see, he chose to walk away from his dreams - but he still found happiness.

I'm sure I'll find happiness too.

P.S: If you're reading this, I'm sorry for not being there for you the way I used to. Chin up. It'll take a while, but I promise you: you'll get through everything that life throws your way. You'll be okay.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:23 AM 0 comment(s)  

Just a little bit.
Saturday, August 25, 2012

When someone needs it, I'm there to listen.


And though I rarely do it, there are times when I tell someone that I need a listening ear too.

But more often than not it seems like there isn't anyone interested in listening to me.

It would be nice to have someone who'd listen to me.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:18 AM 0 comment(s)  

I Fell In Love Once.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012


Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
- I can't make you love me, by Bonnie Raitt

I fell in love once.

I haven't fallen out of it since.

The joke is on me.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 1:44 AM 0 comment(s)  

Magic.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012

"Hocus pocus".

This world needs a little more magic, don't you think?

It seems like everything can be explained away, and that's not right. There should be some things that defy explanation, that don't warrant it. Some magic. Like looking up at the clouds and wondering what lies behind them, but never knowing. Like jumping into a pool of water and feeling like you've crossed into another world.

Science has made the world, and life, so... Certain. Like there's an explanation for everything. But that shouldn't be the way it is, there should be more mystery to it. And behind the mystery, a simple sense of awe and wonder. A simple sense of magic. Children see the world that way: they see magic all around them, and as they grow they lose that view, because of all our textbooks, the Internet, what have you. The magic is simply lost, and that's just sad.

At least, so it is to me.

Some may say that "magic" I'm looking for is simply some form of "ignorance". I disagree - but I can't quite explain the difference, despite the fact that I feel they are two very different things. I suppose I'll have to leave it to you to define it, whichever way you like.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:15 PM 0 comment(s)  

May.
Saturday, May 5, 2012

I can't believe it's May already. Having been so occupied with work, I didn't notice the passage of time. I've still a lot of work to do, but hopefully everything I'm working on will be up and running smoothly by the end of the month. I've got my fingers crossed.


So what else is new?

My family recently sold off our Kelisa. I was beginning to be quite fond of that car, but it was causing quite a few problems, and selling it was the best thing we could do. The good news is: I got myself a new car after. Quite happy that I've got something under my name again, something that's mine.

I still miss the old Satria though. It's been... Four years now? At least, I think it's been four years since I lost that car in a terrible (and traumatic) accident. One has to wonder when I'll actually put it behind me and stop feeling envious of other Satria drivers.

I guess that;s always been one of my problems: I've always found it very hard to let go. What's troubling is that I've got quite a few things to actually let go, and I don't think I'm making any progress. I don't really know HOW to make progress.

How does everyone else do it? I could use a few tips.

I recently started reading Neil Gaiman's "American Gods". Would you believe me if I told you that this is the first of his works that I've read? I'm enjoying it so far. It's been a while since I read some fantasy-fiction, and it's a welcome change from the likes of Dostoevsky and Turgenev.

Did I mention I have about 15 books on my shelf, waiting to be read? I really need to learn to take some time off and catch up on my reading.

It's a welcome distraction.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:58 PM 0 comment(s)  

Hush.
Saturday, April 21, 2012

I sign in, and my fingers begin gliding over the keyboard. But they press nothing, simply because I am at a loss for words. I don't know how to express myself.


Or maybe I'm just afraid to.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:40 PM 0 comment(s)  

Fish on a Hook.
Sunday, January 22, 2012

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Hello. Once again, it's been a while since I last came around here and talked about anything. I guess now is as good a time as any to do a little updating.

What's new then?

I'll be leaving my current job soon - I've been roped into something else, and it looks pretty promising. Granted, it's going to take a lot of hard work and persistence, but I think I'll handle well enough. What is it, you may ask? Well, I suppose that's something for another time. Check in every once in a while - I might just tell you more about it.

2011 wasn't the best of years - all around it was just an incredibly tiring affair, and I had to deal with a lot of leftover problems from the previous year(s). But that's not new, no? One way or another, we're all haunted by our pasts, and I am no different.

I'm still battling that little monster everyone knows as "Loneliness". I'm just not quite over that certain someone - no, not yet. One does wonder though - how much longer till I get up and go, and leave this behind me? Trouble is I'm trying to get over something I've never had, and that makes it all the more difficult. Hell, I've spent a good five years doing just that. I guess I must be doing something terribly wrong, because after five solid years I'm still madly in love with her.

Ideas, anyone? I'm certainly drained of any.

By the way, this isn't even the half of it. Hell, I'd say I've just barely touched the surface. You have no idea how messed up I feel right now.

I wish I could go into further detail - it would certainly help lift the weight that's on my shoulders (at least, some of it). Unfortunately, I can't - for too many reasons. And all of them right, too.

Such is the matter of things.

Ah well.


Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:57 AM 0 comment(s)  

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