Me.

End.

Do I turn myself into what people want me to be, or stay myself and risk losing the people I care for?

Once upon a time I was told that I changed, and to make amends, I attempted to go back to who I was - to revert from my supposed change. And here, tonight - I believe I am who I was just years ago. Though this is so, things don't seem right - I'm unhappy, and certain people are unhappy with me.

I had an argument with Gillian last night and this morning. I spoke what was on my mind at the time, and now it's opened up a whole load of other problems. Problems which need to be confronted.

The journey home from Penang allowed me a little time to think, and now I truly see - you were right Gillian. Through all this, I've been the one to blame. The problems between you, me, and Kimberley: they were mostly faults of mine. I've found it difficult to accept change, difficult to accept that which was right in front of my eyes. And for that I've paid a heavy price, and still my debt isn't settled.

And then there are other problems. The uncertainty of my future. Once upon a time I was so sure that Psych was what I wanted to do, but today? Today I question everything - and honestly speaking, a huge part of me is about ready to give up. A huge part of me just feels like walking out into the world with my Diploma, and begin earning a life. A hard life, maybe - but lady luck may just favor me. Who knows?

I certainly don't.

I need... a break. I need some time away - not just from my everyday problems, but from the people who are a part of my everyday life. And most importantly - I need some time away from myself.

This post is a start of one journey, and the end of another. The start? My quest for fulfillment - for change. To strike a balance between being completely happy with myself, and to ensure specific others are happy with me. This is the day where I rebuild broken down walls, the day I throw away all expectations - expectations of myself, and the expectations I have of others. This is the day I leave me here, in front of this screen, and never look back.

And what of the end? That doesn't just relate to the "death" of a persona, but also the end of his memories and passions. I promised myself once - I'd never mention anyone's name when I spoke of my own troubles on this blog. Today, I've broken that promise. And with that promise, I'm breaking away from this... journal of mine.

Will I come back? Who's to say? For now, this seems permanent. I'll keep this blog open, just in case I ever feel like coming back and putting my thoughts into words. Even so, I'm certain that there won't be any updates for a long time to come.

A long, long time to come.

My experiences on the 29th, of NCSM's Relay for Life - I guess those will never see the light of day. And Aliff - I had something ready for you, but that too disappears tonight. I'm sorry.

This is the end.



Goodnight everyone.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:05 PM  

1 comment(s):

Anonymous said... November 20, 2009 at 10:52 AM  

It was extremely interesting for me to read that post. Thanks for it. I like such topics and everything connected to them. I definitely want to read a bit more soon.

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