Me.
End.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Do I turn myself into what people want me to be, or stay myself and risk losing the people I care for?
Once upon a time I was told that I changed, and to make amends, I attempted to go back to who I was - to revert from my supposed change. And here, tonight - I believe I am who I was just years ago. Though this is so, things don't seem right - I'm unhappy, and certain people are unhappy with me.
I had an argument with Gillian last night and this morning. I spoke what was on my mind at the time, and now it's opened up a whole load of other problems. Problems which need to be confronted.
The journey home from Penang allowed me a little time to think, and now I truly see - you were right Gillian. Through all this, I've been the one to blame. The problems between you, me, and Kimberley: they were mostly faults of mine. I've found it difficult to accept change, difficult to accept that which was right in front of my eyes. And for that I've paid a heavy price, and still my debt isn't settled.
And then there are other problems. The uncertainty of my future. Once upon a time I was so sure that Psych was what I wanted to do, but today? Today I question everything - and honestly speaking, a huge part of me is about ready to give up. A huge part of me just feels like walking out into the world with my Diploma, and begin earning a life. A hard life, maybe - but lady luck may just favor me. Who knows?
I certainly don't.
I need... a break. I need some time away - not just from my everyday problems, but from the people who are a part of my everyday life. And most importantly - I need some time away from myself.
This post is a start of one journey, and the end of another. The start? My quest for fulfillment - for change. To strike a balance between being completely happy with myself, and to ensure specific others are happy with me. This is the day where I rebuild broken down walls, the day I throw away all expectations - expectations of myself, and the expectations I have of others. This is the day I leave me here, in front of this screen, and never look back.
And what of the end? That doesn't just relate to the "death" of a persona, but also the end of his memories and passions. I promised myself once - I'd never mention anyone's name when I spoke of my own troubles on this blog. Today, I've broken that promise. And with that promise, I'm breaking away from this... journal of mine.
Will I come back? Who's to say? For now, this seems permanent. I'll keep this blog open, just in case I ever feel like coming back and putting my thoughts into words. Even so, I'm certain that there won't be any updates for a long time to come.
A long, long time to come.
My experiences on the 29th, of NCSM's Relay for Life - I guess those will never see the light of day. And Aliff - I had something ready for you, but that too disappears tonight. I'm sorry.
This is the end.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:05 PM 1 comment(s)
Uncertainty.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Tonight, in this hotel room... I am caught questioning just one thing: was it wise?
It had been bugging me for so long, and tonight... it almost felt right. It almost felt like putting it out in the open was what I needed, was what's important.
But now I'm not sure. Now I sit here, wondering if I should have kept it to myself - if I should have pressed myself to endure, and let time do its thing. If I should have kept quiet... like so many nights in these past few years.
The answer will come soon enough, won't it? It's just a matter of time now... Till one of us brings it up again.
Funny. Just thinking about it has made me a little disappointed.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:00 PM 0 comment(s)