Maybe she's right - maybe I just don't care anymore. It's been pushed to the back of my mind, just like before.
Say whatever you like, at the moment I have bigger things to worry about. Much bigger things. I'm likely to temporarily forsake one path for a greater opportunity - it's going to be very, very difficult. But I'll come out on top, as I almost always do.
I've got nothing to do tonight. I'm bored, I'm hungry, and I'm just very, very tired. The wrong lights are on in the hall, and it's beginning to annoy me. Give me a second.
Yes, that's better. Much better.
The nights have been extremely hot lately. Despite the many hours I spend on my bed, little of it is spent sleeping. Mother Nature has been teasing my area with the idea of rain for days now, but she never pulls through - I'm sure it's very much the same everywhere else. If you've had rain in your area lately, I've got to say: you're a lucky basketface.
Let's make this form of interaction a little more personal, and a little less cryptic.
What's new?
I mentioned some time back that I was finally done with my diploma. I'm on my way to beginning a whole new life in an old place - if all goes well, I'll be enrolled next month for a degree in Psychology. I can't say I'm not afraid - it's a whole new environment, and the worst bit is: I won't have the people I've known for the last four years around me. Will I be able to cope? Only time will tell.
Funny thing is, I'm 23 this year. And here I sit, waiting to spend yet another 3 years - studying for a degree. Most people my age are either: 1) studying for their Masters; 2) already running up their career ladders. I'm sure many are wondering what the bloody hell I've been doing with my life all this while. You want an honest answer? I don't know either.
Sigh. To imagine, I'll only be out and about in the working world when I'm 26 - and that's assuming that I don't fail any of my subjects.
Alright, alright. Enough of that.
I've had a few close friends leave for greener pastures in the past year, and soon enough a few more will be leaving. Things sure are changing, aren't they? Yes... they definitely are.
It's been a little lonely lately. I've not seen or talked to a select few people for months now, and it's not at all pleasing. It's been weeks since I last talked to Collin, longer still since I talked to Thilagan. And what of my proclaimed best friend, Guna? I haven't seen him since... well, forever. There are a couple of others I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'll leave their names out of here for tonight - they know who they are.
On a lighter note, I haven't cut my hair in weeks. Probably months. I think the last time was in January. Or February. I don't know. It's messy, and all too difficult to comb. Why don't I just cut it then? Simple: malas.
Hmm. It's been a while since I actually made an attempt to update this blog with content like this. Much easier to do, less energy spent trying to construct sentences that hide the true meaning of things.
Ah well. Look at the time.
It's 12:05AM. It's taken me a good half hour to get to this point.
Also, I've noticed something. The sky tonight is clear. Crystal clear.
One has to wonder why there isn't a single star in the sky tonight.
Matching thy inference. 'Tis not to make me jealous,
To say my wife is fair, feeds well, loves company,
Is free of speech, sings, plays, and dances:
Where virtue is, these are more virtuous.
Nor from mine own weak merits, will I draw
The smallest fear, or doubt of her revolt,
For she had eyes, and chose me. No Iago,
I'll see before I doubt; when I doubt, prove;
And on the proof, there is no more but this,
Away at once with love, or jealousy.
- Othello, Act three, scene three, a play by William Shakespeare -
Ah, Othello. If only I had such wit and rationale as you possess; if only your patience were my own. To have these virtues, and to hold my own against the whispers of demons akin to Iago... I would be a better man.
I used to think that I could do whatever I wanted, however I wanted. I used to feel like I had it all, that I was unstoppable. I used to feel like the road was mine, and that I could drive my way around anything and everything.
I was that confident.
I’ll be honest – I was that confident for a reason. I did know a few tricks, and I believed in my abilities more than I believed the Sun would rise tomorrow.
I was overconfident.
It’s been three months since, and today I’m a very different man. I hide it as best as I can from the people around me – I doubt anyone can tell that I’m insanely afraid of driving. Every little bump in the road makes my heart jump – I often find myself wiping away the sweat off my palms whenever I step out of the driver’s seat. I used to be the kind of guy that hated being in the passenger seat – I always wanted to be the one in control, and secretly I always wanted to be the one to show off. These days I find myself in the passenger seat almost too often, and I’m comfortable there. Very comfortable.
Contrary to what people may think, my driving habits have severely changed. My family still thinks I drive like I’m late for my wedding, but the truth is I’ve never driven slower. My average speed? 60KM/H. On the highway.
I know now that I am not what I think I am, that I can’t really do what I thought I could. I was always much too eager to prove myself, much too eager to keep up, much too eager to show off.
I lost my love for driving somewhere in the past three months. But the story doesn’t end on a sad note – today I found that love again.
No, I wasn’t speeding away. No, I wasn’t sliding all over the place. I was still travelling at a snail’s pace, and I was much too careful around corners to allow my car even the slightest of slides. But it was a great drive nonetheless.
I loved the feel of the road, and I loved the time spent just being in that driver’s seat. It took me a good fourty minutes or so to reach home (when it should only take fifteen minutes – at a safe and respectable speed), and I enjoyed every single minute of it. Every single one.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m still not over my fear of driving. But it’s a start. At the very least, I’m finally a little more comfortable there. At the moment, I’m not interested in going back to being able to hold my own at high speeds, or slide a car through corners without breaking a sweat – no, not at all. At the moment, I don’t feel like pushing myself – I just want to stroll on through, and I want to take in the view. It’s so much better this way.
It's dark outside, and the wind is heavy. Flashes of lightning illuminate the black sky, with thunder roaring across the night - the only sound to dwarf the loud beating of the rain. Just a little longer, and I wouldn't be surprised to see a flood in this part of the country.
I'm alone here, tonight. Apart from all the ruckus Mother Nature is making, it's fairly quiet and peaceful here. The air that's swirling in here is cool, and there's a refreshing scent about it. God knows why, but I've got the biggest smile plastered across my face - it's been there since the rain started.
It's odd - the condition outside couldn't be worse, but it's that same condition that's evoked quite a few warm memories. I've images in my head of bright eyes and wide smiles, of silly faces and silent laughter. And I just can't explain it, but I literally feel warm in all the right places - it's like that special someone's got her arms wrapped around me, and by God I don't want her to let me go, no, not just yet.
I feel... so content. It's almost as if I've got everything I've ever wanted with me. Almost. Funny how simple memories can make a feather out of a heavy guy like me - I'm floating to wherever the wind feels like taking me.
I wonder how long this will last. Never long enough, but certainly... I hope, longer than it could be.
Tonight, the world may be nothing more than a gloom - I could care less. I'm happy. Happy as happy can be. And now that I've stopped to notice, I find that the rain's subsiding. That's alright by me - I'm still smiling.
If you were to walk into my bedroom tonight, you'd think I was a slob. And from that single observation, you wouldn't be wrong - my clothes are all over the place, my bed is a mess, and I've got a book and two or three magazines just lying about on the floor.
The thing is, tonight isn't an exception to other nights: my room is only ever tidy once in a month or two.
Truth be told, it doesn't really bother me. I rarely spend a waking hour in there - my bedroom is there simply for two reasons: when I need to sleep, and when I need to change. Other than that, well, I have no need for it.
Unlike 90% of my peers, when I'm home, I spend all of my time in the family hall. Reading, browsing the Internet, listening to music, talking on the phone - it's all done right here, in the heart of my home. Odd really, when I'm the kind of guy who treasures privacy above almost all else.
Ha ha. Totally off topic, but a funny thought just came to mind. Despite the fact that we have incredibly comfortable couches in our homes, we Dewinds rarely ever use them. We're usually found sitting about on the floor, laughing away, and - more often than not - insulting one another. We're more kampung than anyone I actually know (not just relating to the sitting-on-the-floor-bit of course).
Anyway, back to what I was talking about earlier. The family hall. Yes, it's my favourite spot - it's warm, it's cool, and it's just oh-so-darn comfortable.
I get incredibly irritated when it's messy.
Sometimes I come home and I find it in a mess - my sister's books thrown all over the floor, my brother's mugs all over the table, pillows not where they should be. Whenever I tell my siblings to clear it up, they ignore me (particularly my sister) - this usually leads to a shoutfest, or if I'm really impatient, me clearing it all up myself.
Meh.
I just realised... I often feel a little lost when I'm home and I can't spend my time in the hall. If friends of my parents come over or something - I usually find myself pacing in my room, and checking every now and again if they've left. Ha ha ha! Why am I so odd?
***
My parents told me last week that I talked too much as a child. I used to ask too many questions, and they'd get tired of answering me. I told them that intelligent children generally asked many questions.
They laughed.
But seriously. Looking back, the one thing that has been constant throughout my life was my need to ask questions - I needed to know the how things worked, I needed to know why they worked the way they did.
I haven't asked questions like those in a long while. Lately I've been concentrating on completely different questions - questions that involve other people, questions that ultimately do little for me: "How are you?", "Are you alright?", "Is there something bugging you?"
I've gotten myself more involved in the people around me - not a bad thing, really. I guess I just need to learn to strike a balance somewhere.
I need to start asking the right questions again. Questions that serve me, and only me.
