Nuts & Bolts

Mad Season.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - and I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down?

Well I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - I think it's funny how no one knows
We don't talk about the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why you gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'd come around

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone
In this mad season

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down?

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?
And I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't, no,
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I come undone
And I come undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken

Well I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone
I come undone in this mad season

In this mad season
It's been a mad season
Been a mad season

- Matchbox Twenty

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:08 PM 0 comment(s)  

Crapdangit?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I walked out of the office, after what I perceived to be a successful interview. I turn on my phone, lo and behold! Missed calls from Thilagan. Wanting to know what was so important that he had to call me three times, I called back. The ensuing conversation? Look down south.

"Hello. Why'd you call?"
"Oh nothing la macha. I was just dying, and with my last breath I wanted to say goodbye to you. Too late now la dey."

=___________="

Stupid bloody Indian. Unfortunately I'm only taking one class with him this semester, and none of those classes fall on a Saturday morning. Though I guess I'll still be getting high on laughter.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:16 PM 0 comment(s)  

When the Court Jester made the King cry.
Monday, July 28, 2008

"Do you still...?"
"... Yea."
"Is it...?"
"It is. Not really something that can go away so easily, right?"
"I guess. I just think it's unhealthy.. if it stays for too long."

It's not healthy - I can't get that thought out of my mind. I know I need to get over it, but it's one of the most difficult things to do.
I guess I've not had it for too long. And now I fear that I miss it more than anything else. I want it more than anything else.

And the worst part is... I think I need it, more than anything else.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 6:43 PM 0 comment(s)  

An Almost Complete Understanding.
Sunday, July 27, 2008

Our lives are dictated by the questions we ask. Whether it be simple questions like "will it rain today?", or the more important ones like "where am I going?" - every single question we have tells us where to go, what to do, and how to do it.

When we run out of questions, we don't just run out of answers - we run out of hope.
It's the questions in our lives that keep us pushing - no matter how trivial, no matter how important - they keep us looking for the answers we want, and often the answers we need.

Every new day holds a new question. And every new question - one possible answer.
An answer that could drown us in sorrow, or one that could plaster the biggest smile on our faces. For better or worse, I'll ask what I can, and hope that I die before I run out of questions.

So the next big question is...

... What's next?

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:13 PM 0 comment(s)  

One Truth.
Saturday, July 26, 2008

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:19 PM 0 comment(s)  

The Unanswered Question.
Friday, July 25, 2008

I could turn stone to sand, and hold back the seven seas
I would climb the aging mountains, and hold you to the breeze
I'd do most anything, an exaggeration this is not
A mortal man with immortal will, drowned only by your gaze, cold as steel.

One question, one hundred times
One hundred questions, one time
Too many methods, a single result

Till you learn that there isn't a need for secrets
This waiting game I'll continue to play
Be patient, don't let this resolve sway.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:03 PM 0 comment(s)  

Into A Lion's Den.
Thursday, July 24, 2008

There's no point delaying it any further. What needs to be said, should be said - no matter the outcome. I'll clear things up tomorrow, and pray their disappointment in me won't affect me too much.

It's difficult, but I can do this. I had the guts to let my feelings be known to a certain someone (and that was... an incredibly difficult thing to do), why would this be any more difficult than that?

Get it together Adam, this is easy.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:01 PM 0 comment(s)  

Frozen Parts.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Things haven't been too good lately, and the weather hasn't really helped me. Now I'm down with the flu, and a fever is catching on. Fairly annoying that it should come at this time - my classes have started.

Bah.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:06 PM 0 comment(s)  

Unwanted Parts.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Don't misunderstand the intentions of my actions, for I do what I do because I care - and I do not care because I must, but because I can.
I care for only a few - and of those few, fewer do I love.
Allow me what you perceive to be my misgivings - whether it be the names I use, the questions I ask, or the attention I give - they are but habits of mine, a part of who I am.
And if still I should be asked to change for them, then I shall - though I pray.. I pray you do not deny me your company then, simply because I am no longer the exact same person who was with you all this while.


Remove these nuts and bolts, one at a time - and hope that it's only for the better.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:12 AM 0 comment(s)  

A Mouthful of Empty.
Monday, July 21, 2008

It's out, and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

Disappointment, frustration, a little bit of regret - emotions that won't linger around for too long, I hope. It's a first for me, and I'm not too sure how to deal with it.

What do I do now? I can't find it in me to tell my parents just yet. Yes, I'll tell them - soon enough. I guess I'll wait for the letter to come in and then let things go its way.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:11 PM 0 comment(s)  

Driving With A Smile.
Sunday, July 20, 2008

The morning Sun greeted my journey home; the road as quiet as it could be. Speeding at a snail's pace, running without a race.

I sang a song, over and over again; I sang it loud - my lungs proudly huffing, my voice unhindered by the glass and metal around me. There was joy in my heart and cheer in my eyes.

Been walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the Sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows, it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things
to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines... in pieces on the ground

The words above were what stuck with me the most. And as I sang along to their tune, my mind had only one picture - Them.

And that was all I needed - a smile so genuine, not for anyone but myself.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:55 AM 0 comment(s)  

Dim Lights.
Friday, July 18, 2008

I've got a hundred people walking around me, and ten of them are whispering sweet nothings in my ears.

Yet I find myself feeling distant. Amidst all this cheer, something isn't in its place - and I feel lonely without it. These walls have seen too much of me - I'll have to leave them soon.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:06 PM 0 comment(s)  

4:14AM

What the hell am I doing being awake at this hour?

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:13 AM 0 comment(s)  

The Oil Debate.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Who here watched the debate between Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim and Datuk Ahmad Shabery Cheek? I'm pretty sure most of you with a vested interest in the country's politics took time off your busy schedules to watch it.

The title of the debate was "Form A Government Today, Reduce Oil Price Tomorrow".

I'm not going to explain the points that were given during the debate by both parties - that you can obtain from other independent bloggers (though likely biased). Instead, I will offer my opinions on what transpired last night.

In my opinion, the debate was handled shamefully. While both parties had their share of points and arguments, a lot of time was wasted on irrelevent arguments and personal attacks (mostly on the Information Minister's part). Many questions were not answered completely, and the debate (more or less) progressed into a fight for party/political mileage. Of course, considering the parties involved and the state of Malaysian affairs (shall I mention "mentality" as well?), anyone with enough common sense would have expected the debate to turn into this.

Overall however, if I would name a winner: Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim. Hands down. In my opinion, Datuk Shabery didn't have enough on him to justify the price hike. Despite his shortcomings, he definitely had a few strong points, which the general public should consider. Blind loyalty to any political party won't help anyone after yesterday's debate - everyone needs to take into account both sides of the story if the country is to get out of the rut it's in.

Despite all this, the debate itself can be considered a success. It showed Malaysians that the Government is willing to be transparent (to a certain extent), and it offered the average Malaysian a deeper insight into the whole issue. There is talk on the news that Datuk Shabery is willing to take on Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim in another debate. I say: go for it.

I'm surprised you've stayed with me this far. Note that everything I've said above are merely my opinions on the matter - don't hold it against me, no matter where your alliances lie.

I have taken a very neutral standpoint in the past few months, and no longer directly support any political movement/party. Yay me.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 5:03 PM 0 comment(s)  

Rain & The Failed Poet.
Monday, July 14, 2008

It's 2:15PM, and the rain is pouring heavily here. The air is cool, and it feels clean. I love the smell of rain, especially in the morning and afternoon. Everything just seems so soothing. Put it together with the right choice of music, and there's this feeling of tranquility that doesn't come often in our everyday lives.

A long drive would make things perfect.

I have this urge to visit a beach. Smell the ocean, feel the sand between my toes. Taste the air, hear the waves, enjoy a drink or two with just the right people. Probably watch the stars in complete silence.

Maybe I should do that soon enough.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 2:14 PM 0 comment(s)  

Fire and Rain.

The other night at Backyard, the band played a song that I didn't hear in ages. It was so long since I heard it that I actually had trouble recognizing the song. In the end, Collin helped me out and told me what I needed to know.

Fire and Rain, by James Taylor. Ah, so good. As always with me and a good song... Well, just read on.

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things
to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now

- James Taylor -

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:30 AM 0 comment(s)  

Farewell Friend.
Thursday, July 10, 2008

Feels a little odd.

Collin left for Singapore today, and he'll be in Australia by tomorrow. There goes one of my oldest and closest friend. It's going to be a while before I actually see him again.

We had a farewell session just two nights ago, with the company of Thilagan, Kingsley, Kishore, Ryan and Isaac. Was an incredible night - good drinks, great music, and perfect company. Kishore, Ryan, and Collin even got up on the pub's stage and performed as Maria's Margaritas for the last time. The guys played medleys of a few songs, the most awesome being their jazz/funk version of Wonderwall/Low (Oasis & Flo Rida, amazing).

This morning Collin and I went for breakfast together. Gosh. Oddly enough, I'm pretty much alone now here in Rawang.

I'm going to miss our midnight mamak sessions (or, almost midnight), our discussions (mostly political? Ha ha), and singing in the DSA. There's also the constant repetitive barrage of lame jokes.

As much of an asshole as I've been, there are only too few people who've been with me through it all - and Collin is one of them. Eight solid years of friendship, that's something to shout about. I'm going to miss you my friend! I hope.. everything goes well for you there.

Take care Chocolate Bear :D

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:40 PM 3 comment(s)  

Enough.
Monday, July 7, 2008

Allow me a moment to be brutally honest.

I am so disappointed that some things are even given any consideration, when the fact of the matter is: little (or.. dare I say it: nothing?) has been done to alleviate the recent troubles that plague. I can only say so much, so often. And if my words have done nothing but fall on deaf ears, then who am I to say anything more?

Maybe I've been too soft spoken. Maybe I haven't been aggressive enough to show that I do not approve, that more can be done. Maybe I have been far too patient, and far too forgiving.

I find it difficult to go back and read what I just did.

I don't even have to mention a name. And if asked, forgive me - don't expect a fucking answer. Interpret this whichever way you want, apply it to yourself if you feel it is directed at you. Personally, I don't care. Not now.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:42 PM 0 comment(s)  

Lost Meaning.

These days, I often have a lot running through my mind. I think and think, and I find ways to put my emotions into words. I'd have it structured, and ready for this space here. But when I place myself right here, with my fingers tracing the keys of my laptop...

... I forget. I forget the words, the structure. I forget the meaning.

Frustrating.. especially when I use this blog as a form of escape. I need to be able to put my deepest, darkest, and most trivial thoughts down - in a way that will capture everything I feel - be it bad, good, or just plain confused.

I realize I could just as easily talk to someone about it, let it flow. For now, that.. isn't much of an option. I have my reasons, and I can only hope that those closest to me won't hold it against me.

So what the hell do I do now? I guess I wait - till I have my head together. Till I can express myself fully again.

This better not take too long.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:22 PM 0 comment(s)  

Silverstone.
Sunday, July 6, 2008

I should be working now, but I'm too distracted to start anything. At this date and hour, there's only one thing distracting me from my work: Formula 1!

Haha! It's the Silverstone GP!

It's been a really interesting race! Once again, it's a wet race. Though not as slippery as Monaco, the race is still pretty darn intense. Hamilton's leading now (I am so happy), and Ferrari made a critical error in their pit strategy! McLaren has been given a huge advantage. My father and I are finding it difficult to keep our eyes off the race.

BMW is driving a superb race. Heidfeld made an incredible overtaking maneuver on Alonso and Kovalainen, and Robert Kubica shoved his car through Kovalainen's McLaren like nothing! Granted, Kovalainen hadn't changed tyres yet. But needless to say, it's been amazing.

As of this sentence, Hamilton is leading by 25 seconds. Hahahaha!

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again: this is such an amazing season!

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:50 PM 0 comment(s)  

The Mind's Art.
Friday, July 4, 2008

I saw stars. I tasted wine. I was calm, collected. I felt warm. Comfortable. All because of a simple, painted picture - framed within the walls of my mind. Brushed together with memories of what was, what is, and the thought of what could be.

Dresses and a suit. Laughs and three distinctive smiles. Silent phones and quiet conversation.
Laughs... and three distinctive smiles.

I would've stared longer at the picture, and trace my fingers over it. But reality called.
Reality called.

I had hoped that the feeling would linger just a little longer, even with my eyes open to these four walls.
It doesn't take long for feelings to fade. Tragic, isn't it?

I saw stars. I tasted wine. I was warm. Comfortable.
Very comfortable.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:35 PM 0 comment(s)