Me.

My photo
Possibly intelligent.

End.
Sunday, June 7, 2009

Do I turn myself into what people want me to be, or stay myself and risk losing the people I care for?

Once upon a time I was told that I changed, and to make amends, I attempted to go back to who I was - to revert from my supposed change. And here, tonight - I believe I am who I was just years ago. Though this is so, things don't seem right - I'm unhappy, and certain people are unhappy with me.

I had an argument with Gillian last night and this morning. I spoke what was on my mind at the time, and now it's opened up a whole load of other problems. Problems which need to be confronted.

The journey home from Penang allowed me a little time to think, and now I truly see - you were right Gillian. Through all this, I've been the one to blame. The problems between you, me, and Kimberley: they were mostly faults of mine. I've found it difficult to accept change, difficult to accept that which was right in front of my eyes. And for that I've paid a heavy price, and still my debt isn't settled.

And then there are other problems. The uncertainty of my future. Once upon a time I was so sure that Psych was what I wanted to do, but today? Today I question everything - and honestly speaking, a huge part of me is about ready to give up. A huge part of me just feels like walking out into the world with my Diploma, and begin earning a life. A hard life, maybe - but lady luck may just favor me. Who knows?

I certainly don't.

I need... a break. I need some time away - not just from my everyday problems, but from the people who are a part of my everyday life. And most importantly - I need some time away from myself.

This post is a start of one journey, and the end of another. The start? My quest for fulfillment - for change. To strike a balance between being completely happy with myself, and to ensure specific others are happy with me. This is the day where I rebuild broken down walls, the day I throw away all expectations - expectations of myself, and the expectations I have of others. This is the day I leave me here, in front of this screen, and never look back.

And what of the end? That doesn't just relate to the "death" of a persona, but also the end of his memories and passions. I promised myself once - I'd never mention anyone's name when I spoke of my own troubles on this blog. Today, I've broken that promise. And with that promise, I'm breaking away from this... journal of mine.

Will I come back? Who's to say? For now, this seems permanent. I'll keep this blog open, just in case I ever feel like coming back and putting my thoughts into words. Even so, I'm certain that there won't be any updates for a long time to come.

A long, long time to come.

My experiences on the 29th, of NCSM's Relay for Life - I guess those will never see the light of day. And Aliff - I had something ready for you, but that too disappears tonight. I'm sorry.

This is the end.



Goodnight everyone.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:05 PM 1 comment(s)  

Uncertainty.
Saturday, June 6, 2009

Tonight, in this hotel room... I am caught questioning just one thing: was it wise?

It had been bugging me for so long, and tonight... it almost felt right. It almost felt like putting it out in the open was what I needed, was what's important.

But now I'm not sure. Now I sit here, wondering if I should have kept it to myself - if I should have pressed myself to endure, and let time do its thing. If I should have kept quiet... like so many nights in these past few years.

The answer will come soon enough, won't it? It's just a matter of time now... Till one of us brings it up again.

Funny. Just thinking about it has made me a little disappointed.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:00 PM 0 comment(s)  

Burning Paper.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Is it time for me to put it all into words? Maybe.


I don't know if it shows in my previous posts, but writing.. no, expressing myself hasn't been as easy as it once was. Often I find myself sitting in solitude, contemplating a hundred different emotions, questioning every little detail about my life, my direction. Questioning, me.

And just as I sit down to put those very thoughts into words, they escape me. Not completely, but enough of it is lost - it makes me wonder why I bothered to place my fingers on a keyboard in the first place.

I came here today with a confession - and like so many times before, I'm at a loss for words.

How can writing be therapuetical when one can't write?

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:05 PM 0 comment(s)  

Still Indecisive.
Monday, May 25, 2009

Which one? I look at A and I think of B, I look at B and I think of C, I look at C, and I think of A. So really - which one? I can't waste anymore time.

I don't have anymore time.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:09 PM 0 comment(s)  

Distractions.
Saturday, May 23, 2009

If I can't find meaning now, then I'll keep myself attached to these distractions. It's easier to keep myself afloat that way.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 2:26 AM 0 comment(s)  

A Cocktail of Feelings.
Thursday, May 21, 2009

Tired.

                                Excited.
Unhappy.
Pleased.
       Annoyed.
Content.
                                                 Confused.
Angry.
In love.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:26 PM 0 comment(s)  

Seasick Sailor.
Sunday, May 17, 2009

We aren't the same anymore. Though we've acknowledged it many times, and though we've tried to take ourselves down that very road we were so pleased to travel only too long ago, our efforts have all been in vain. Do you think that it ever truly helped? We would make amends, and free ourselves of the guilt that supposedly weighed us down, only to laugh for a minute, and then return to our separate paths - paths which we believe we can now tread ourselves, paths we no longer care to share.

I wonder sometimes, do we really care for the conversations we put ourselves in, or is it just for the sake of appearances?

Maybe I am wrong to even think this way, but I will not apologize for it. This is how I feel tonight, and this is the story I will read to myself before I go to bed. Will I think the same way tomorrow? Maybe, maybe not - I can never tell, not with the way my mind works, not with the way my emotions fluctuate.








It's a quiet night.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:36 PM 0 comment(s)  

Sudirman Cup Semi Finals.

Did you watch the Sudirman Cup Semi Finals between Malaysia and China? I didn't catch it live, unfortunately (I completely forgot about it, shame on me), so I caught the replay instead.


I love watching Lee Chong Wei and Lin Dan play against each other. As you most likely know already by now, Lee Chong Wei lost to Lin Dan in straight sets - but he did well. There were some minor mistakes here and there, but Chong Wei was on form - Lin Dan was just better. What I love most about the games between these two is not the pace, not the intensity of the games itself, but what comes after the game is done. These two have such an enormous amount of respect for each other, and they are so dedicated to their games that it shows so much - the joy of winning, the despair from losing, the acknowledgement of each other's ability. Such sportmanship! I've yet to see that level of sportsmanship and respect for any player as much as Chong Wei's and Lin Dan's.

And of course, what about the Men's Doubles - Malaysia's Koo Kien Keat/Tan Boon Heong against China's Cai Yun/Fu Haifeng? One word: Incredible. Watching Kien Keat and Boon Heong has always been awesome, and the fact that they had to play against China's world #1 ranked players made it so much more enjoyable to watch.

Unfortunately, Malaysia's battle for the Sudirman Cup has ended. But there's always next time. It's overused, but: Malaysia Boleh.

:D

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:20 PM 0 comment(s)  

An Old Hobby.
Saturday, May 16, 2009

I am tempted to return to an old hobby of mine: trading card games and miniatures (such as Dungeons and Dragons, Mage Knights and HeroClix).

Problem is, with these games, the only people I can ever play with are my brothers. We've always been involved in games like these, sometimes even joining tournaments. It would be a lot nicer to play with people aside from them - or better yet, play with them and others! I remember our many large scale battles played over the dinner table - we designed our own terrain and we'd wage wars with our miniature figures, battling to the death for supremacy. Everything always seemed epic. It often took hours for us to determine a winner - results were never the same.

I miss those days.

I'd like to get back into it, but it is extremely expensive. My brothers and I cut cost among one another by sharing our pieces - it made army selection easier, and reduced cost drastically. Or maybe.. I should just redownload the rules for Mage Knight (I have over 300 miniature figures), and restart the game with my brothers, instead of hopping into a new miniatures game. That'll be cheaper.

Besides, I miss using my old and faithful Temple Lord.


Ahh, the number of victories you led me to.

I'm so excited!

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:31 PM 0 comment(s)  

Mutt.
Friday, May 15, 2009

Sometimes, I feel like I'm nothing more than a dog - curled up in my corner, waiting for my masters to come home.


And no matter how they may treat me - I'll wag my tail for them, and wait for that much-wanted pat on the head.

Just like a dog.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:53 PM 0 comment(s)  

Me, #52.
Monday, May 11, 2009

I look up to a hundred different people, but I aspire to be no one but myself.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:56 PM 0 comment(s)  

Hadirmu.
Thursday, May 7, 2009

I was listening to the above titled song just ten minutes ago, and I swear I had the biggest smile plastered across my face.


I imagine that my future partner will have a voice that will complement mine, and we'll sing this song on a beautiful day, out in the public, with my arms wrapped around her.

What? I can dream a little, can't I?

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:37 AM 0 comment(s)  

Behind The Curtains.
Monday, May 4, 2009

Ha ha ha. I just realized... a post is missing from this blog. One where I was talking about a certain person who told too many lies, and how pissed I was at it.

Two minutes ago, as I was clearing my blog of saved-but-unpublished-posts, I found that post. It was - curiously enough - labeled as a draft. I know very well that I published it, and I certainly remember it having at least five comments. Curious isn't it? Scroll through my blog and you won't find that post anymore - it and the comments that came with it are gone.

To refresh your memory, here's the post:-

Walking On Lies

Some people are full of shit. I can't understand the need to make up all those stories, or to affiliate yourself with people you don't even know.

What's worse? This time you've cooked up some cock story involving your family. Nothing of the sort is happening (and I should know), and if your cooked up events ever magically come true, I wonder: how would you feel?

You think I'm not reading. You think I don't know. I know my way around, and I can find anything, anywhere, anytime I want.

Go ahead and weave your tales of turmoil - you and I both know they're just that: tales. Seems like all you really want is attention - even if it's from nothing more but sympathy.

Trust me: it's all going to come back and bite you in the ass one day. And you'll have far too many regrets then. Oh, and when it does? I'll be laughing at your sorry behind.

Laughing all the bloody way.

For those of you who follow my blog, I'm sure you remember it.

You're an intelligent fuck, aren't you? You waited till I flooded the front page with new posts, waited till this post was out of the limelight, and then you logged into my account, and removed it, didn't you? Just because I have a universal password for almost everything. You intelligent, conniving, sneaky fuck.

That's the only explanation, and I know well enough what you're capable of. You're just making it more and more difficult for me to trust you, and that's going to spillover onto everyone you know - slowly but surely.

In fact, don't count on me being as silent as I was before, alright? If and when it pleases me, I'll expose you for the fraud you are.

Two can play at being sneaky and manipulative. And you know what a capable puppeteer I am, don't you? Trust me, I'm not going to stand on a pedestal and announce your identity to the world - I'm going to pull the right strings, whisper insecurities into everything around you, tie traps to the corners of your mouth - you're going to end up unmasking yourself.

That's how I play.

This is going to be fun, isn't it?













I suggest you start praying.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:25 PM 0 comment(s)  

Midnight Musings.
Sunday, May 3, 2009

Just a little... disappointed. It's not at all pleasing to see that it's given freely to others, but held from me. I wish that... I could be on the receiving end of that once in a while.

Just once in a while.

Another one of those moments. It'll pass. It comes and goes. Always.

***

It's been running wildly. The images, the feelings, the need for gratification. Almost... unhealthy. It's wonderful, but it needs to stop.

There's only one way to do that now, yes?

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 1:37 AM 0 comment(s)  

In Between Thoughts.
Thursday, April 30, 2009

Terima kasih cinta.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:14 AM 0 comment(s)  

Resolve.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Inspired, motivated. Ready to go. Here begins my fight for the right results.


This is my resolve.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:30 PM 0 comment(s)  

Fighting With My Reflection.


I thought absence was supposed to make the heart grow fonder?

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 7:05 PM 0 comment(s)  

Pilihanku.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009



This song (and video) makes me smile.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:21 PM 0 comment(s)  

A New Star
Monday, April 27, 2009

I'm a dreamer. Though it has proven time and again to be a strength of mine, it is also - without a doubt - my greatest fault.

I've been dreaming for a while now.

It's high time I woke up from this particular dream.

Time to open my eyes to the possibilities again. Time to let go, to be rid of this hope which I've been holding on to for so long.

I must dream a new dream.

This black sky needs a new star to look to. Most say it's already there, that I just need to open my heart to it.


All in due time.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:05 PM 0 comment(s)  

Flying With Daedalus.
Friday, April 24, 2009

Maybe she's right - maybe I just don't care anymore. It's been pushed to the back of my mind, just like before.

Say whatever you like, at the moment I have bigger things to worry about. Much bigger things. I'm likely to temporarily forsake one path for a greater opportunity - it's going to be very, very difficult. But I'll come out on top, as I almost always do.

Here's to more blood, sweat and tears.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:25 AM 0 comment(s)  

Forever Holding Hands.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009

So write! Remember, write the first draft with your heart.
Write the second with your head.

- William Forrester, fictional author from the movie Finding Forrester -

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 2:35 PM 0 comment(s)  

Black On Black.
Sunday, April 19, 2009

It's 11:27PM.


I've got nothing to do tonight. I'm bored, I'm hungry, and I'm just very, very tired. The wrong lights are on in the hall, and it's beginning to annoy me. Give me a second.

Yes, that's better. Much better.

The nights have been extremely hot lately. Despite the many hours I spend on my bed, little of it is spent sleeping. Mother Nature has been teasing my area with the idea of rain for days now, but she never pulls through - I'm sure it's very much the same everywhere else. If you've had rain in your area lately, I've got to say: you're a lucky basketface.

Let's make this form of interaction a little more personal, and a little less cryptic.

What's new?

I mentioned some time back that I was finally done with my diploma. I'm on my way to beginning a whole new life in an old place - if all goes well, I'll be enrolled next month for a degree in Psychology. I can't say I'm not afraid - it's a whole new environment, and the worst bit is: I won't have the people I've known for the last four years around me. Will I be able to cope? Only time will tell.

Funny thing is, I'm 23 this year. And here I sit, waiting to spend yet another 3 years - studying for a degree. Most people my age are either: 1) studying for their Masters; 2) already running up their career ladders. I'm sure many are wondering what the bloody hell I've been doing with my life all this while. You want an honest answer? I don't know either.

Sigh. To imagine, I'll only be out and about in the working world when I'm 26 - and that's assuming that I don't fail any of my subjects.

Alright, alright. Enough of that.

I've had a few close friends leave for greener pastures in the past year, and soon enough a few more will be leaving. Things sure are changing, aren't they? Yes... they definitely are.

It's been a little lonely lately. I've not seen or talked to a select few people for months now, and it's not at all pleasing. It's been weeks since I last talked to Collin, longer still since I talked to Thilagan. And what of my proclaimed best friend, Guna? I haven't seen him since... well, forever. There are a couple of others I haven't seen in a while, but I think I'll leave their names out of here for tonight - they know who they are.

On a lighter note, I haven't cut my hair in weeks. Probably months. I think the last time was in January. Or February. I don't know. It's messy, and all too difficult to comb. Why don't I just cut it then? Simple: malas.

Hmm. It's been a while since I actually made an attempt to update this blog with content like this. Much easier to do, less energy spent trying to construct sentences that hide the true meaning of things.

Ah well. Look at the time.

It's 12:05AM. It's taken me a good half hour to get to this point.

Also, I've noticed something. The sky tonight is clear. Crystal clear.

One has to wonder why there isn't a single star in the sky tonight.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:27 PM 0 comment(s)  

The Truth of Matters.
Saturday, April 11, 2009

Why? Why is this?
Think'st thou, I 'ld make a life of jealousy;
To follow still the changes of the Moon
With fresh suspicions? No: to be once in doubt,
Is once to be resolv'd: exchange me for a goat,
When I shall turn the business of my soul
To such exsufflicate, and blown surmises,
Matching thy inference. 'Tis not to make me jealous,
To say my wife is fair, feeds well, loves company,
Is free of speech, sings, plays, and dances:
Where virtue is, these are more virtuous.
Nor from mine own weak merits, will I draw
The smallest fear, or doubt of her revolt,
For she had eyes, and chose me. No Iago,
I'll see before I doubt; when I doubt, prove;
And on the proof, there is no more but this,
Away at once with love, or jealousy.

- Othello, Act three, scene three, a play by William Shakespeare -

Ah, Othello. If only I had such wit and rationale as you possess; if only your patience were my own. To have these virtues, and to hold my own against the whispers of demons akin to Iago... I would be a better man.

A much better man.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 7:54 PM 0 comment(s)  

Made Of Glass.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I used to think that I could do whatever I wanted, however I wanted. I used to feel like I had it all, that I was unstoppable. I used to feel like the road was mine, and that I could drive my way around anything and everything.

I was that confident.

I’ll be honest – I was that confident for a reason. I did know a few tricks, and I believed in my abilities more than I believed the Sun would rise tomorrow.

I was overconfident.

It’s been three months since, and today I’m a very different man. I hide it as best as I can from the people around me – I doubt anyone can tell that I’m insanely afraid of driving. Every little bump in the road makes my heart jump – I often find myself wiping away the sweat off my palms whenever I step out of the driver’s seat. I used to be the kind of guy that hated being in the passenger seat – I always wanted to be the one in control, and secretly I always wanted to be the one to show off. These days I find myself in the passenger seat almost too often, and I’m comfortable there. Very comfortable.

Contrary to what people may think, my driving habits have severely changed. My family still thinks I drive like I’m late for my wedding, but the truth is I’ve never driven slower. My average speed? 60KM/H. On the highway.

I know now that I am not what I think I am, that I can’t really do what I thought I could. I was always much too eager to prove myself, much too eager to keep up, much too eager to show off.

I lost my love for driving somewhere in the past three months. But the story doesn’t end on a sad note – today I found that love again.

No, I wasn’t speeding away. No, I wasn’t sliding all over the place. I was still travelling at a snail’s pace, and I was much too careful around corners to allow my car even the slightest of slides. But it was a great drive nonetheless.

I loved the feel of the road, and I loved the time spent just being in that driver’s seat. It took me a good fourty minutes or so to reach home (when it should only take fifteen minutes – at a safe and respectable speed), and I enjoyed every single minute of it. Every single one.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m still not over my fear of driving. But it’s a start. At the very least, I’m finally a little more comfortable there. At the moment, I’m not interested in going back to being able to hold my own at high speeds, or slide a car through corners without breaking a sweat – no, not at all. At the moment, I don’t feel like pushing myself – I just want to stroll on through, and I want to take in the view. It’s so much better this way.

So much better.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:00 AM 0 comment(s)  

Sanctuary.
Saturday, April 4, 2009

It's dark outside, and the wind is heavy. Flashes of lightning illuminate the black sky, with thunder roaring across the night - the only sound to dwarf the loud beating of the rain. Just a little longer, and I wouldn't be surprised to see a flood in this part of the country.


I'm alone here, tonight. Apart from all the ruckus Mother Nature is making, it's fairly quiet and peaceful here. The air that's swirling in here is cool, and there's a refreshing scent about it. God knows why, but I've got the biggest smile plastered across my face - it's been there since the rain started.

It's odd - the condition outside couldn't be worse, but it's that same condition that's evoked quite a few warm memories. I've images in my head of bright eyes and wide smiles, of silly faces and silent laughter. And I just can't explain it, but I literally feel warm in all the right places - it's like that special someone's got her arms wrapped around me, and by God I don't want her to let me go, no, not just yet.

I feel... so content. It's almost as if I've got everything I've ever wanted with me. Almost. Funny how simple memories can make a feather out of a heavy guy like me - I'm floating to wherever the wind feels like taking me.

I wonder how long this will last. Never long enough, but certainly... I hope, longer than it could be.

Tonight, the world may be nothing more than a gloom - I could care less. I'm happy. Happy as happy can be. And now that I've stopped to notice, I find that the rain's subsiding. That's alright by me - I'm still smiling.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:12 PM 0 comment(s)  

Somewhere Comfortable.
Thursday, April 2, 2009

If you were to walk into my bedroom tonight, you'd think I was a slob. And from that single observation, you wouldn't be wrong - my clothes are all over the place, my bed is a mess, and I've got a book and two or three magazines just lying about on the floor.


The thing is, tonight isn't an exception to other nights: my room is only ever tidy once in a month or two.

Truth be told, it doesn't really bother me. I rarely spend a waking hour in there - my bedroom is there simply for two reasons: when I need to sleep, and when I need to change. Other than that, well, I have no need for it.

Unlike 90% of my peers, when I'm home, I spend all of my time in the family hall. Reading, browsing the Internet, listening to music, talking on the phone - it's all done right here, in the heart of my home. Odd really, when I'm the kind of guy who treasures privacy above almost all else.

Ha ha. Totally off topic, but a funny thought just came to mind. Despite the fact that we have incredibly comfortable couches in our homes, we Dewinds rarely ever use them. We're usually found sitting about on the floor, laughing away, and - more often than not - insulting one another. We're more kampung than anyone I actually know (not just relating to the sitting-on-the-floor-bit of course).

Anyway, back to what I was talking about earlier. The family hall. Yes, it's my favourite spot - it's warm, it's cool, and it's just oh-so-darn comfortable.

I get incredibly irritated when it's messy.

Sometimes I come home and I find it in a mess - my sister's books thrown all over the floor, my brother's mugs all over the table, pillows not where they should be. Whenever I tell my siblings to clear it up, they ignore me (particularly my sister) - this usually leads to a shoutfest, or if I'm really impatient, me clearing it all up myself.

Meh.

I just realised... I often feel a little lost when I'm home and I can't spend my time in the hall. If friends of my parents come over or something - I usually find myself pacing in my room, and checking every now and again if they've left. Ha ha ha! Why am I so odd?

***

My parents told me last week that I talked too much as a child. I used to ask too many questions, and they'd get tired of answering me. I told them that intelligent children generally asked many questions.

They laughed.

But seriously. Looking back, the one thing that has been constant throughout my life was my need to ask questions - I needed to know the how things worked, I needed to know why they worked the way they did.

I haven't asked questions like those in a long while. Lately I've been concentrating on completely different questions - questions that involve other people, questions that ultimately do little for me: "How are you?", "Are you alright?", "Is there something bugging you?"
I've gotten myself more involved in the people around me - not a bad thing, really. I guess I just need to learn to strike a balance somewhere.

I need to start asking the right questions again. Questions that serve me, and only me.





Yeah, I'm pretty darn selfish.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:38 PM 0 comment(s)  

Keeping It Mum.
Saturday, March 28, 2009

I'm relying on little more than memories to keep me warm.


When books and the colour blue become the only pursuit, I am forced to keep myself quiet.
Stand aside and wait - it's all only for the best.

But it doesn't change one fact: I miss it all.

This distance, the stillness in the air - just a little longer, right?

Just a little longer.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:25 AM 0 comment(s)  

An Old Favourite.
Monday, March 16, 2009

One more day down
Everybody has those days
Where one soft sweet song's
Just enough to clear my head

Fall on real life
Is anybody left there sane?
If we slide on over and accept fate
Then its bound to be a powerful thing

If it's just that you're weak
Can we talk about it
Its gettin' so damn creepy
Just nursing this ghost of chance
The fiction, the romance
And the technicolor dreams
Of black and white people

One boy head strong
Thinks that living here's just plain
Hes pushed down so hard
You can hear him start to sink

And it's one last round of petty conversation
You hold on boy cuz
You won't go down like this?
Just roll on over
Lay down till it's more than you can take

If it's just that you're weak
Can we talk about it
Its gettin' so damn creepy
Just nursing this ghost of chance
The fiction, the romance
And the technicolor dreams
Of black and white people

So one more day down
And everybody's changin'
One soft sweet sound
Is just enough to clear my head

If it's just that you're weak
Can we talk about it
Its gettin' so damn creepy
Just nursing this ghost of chance
The fiction, the romance
And the technicolor dreams
Of black and white people

Yeah if you're weak
Can we talk about it
Its gettin' so damn creepy
Just nursing this ghost of chance
The fiction, the romance
And the technicolor dreams
Of black and white people

We are black and white people
We are black and white people
We are black and white people

- Black and White People, Matchbox Twenty -

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:37 AM 0 comment(s)  

Painting Walls Without Rollers.
Friday, March 13, 2009

Gah.

I spent the last nine hours of my life studying. And the best bit is, I've been studying two very different fields of education - engineering and accounting. Why? Because they relate mainly to theories, therefore qualifying me as a natural tutor (don't ask me how).

This is particularly tough - I'm learning from nothing but books. For all my time spent in college, I learned by listening - whether it be what the lecturers threw at me, the questions my classmates asked, or just "listening" to the environment. I always took down notes of what I thought was important, but even then it was rare that I ever actually read them.

Textbooks? They were just there as a backup - but I never truly used them. I just can't study by reading, which is probably the main reason why my parents think I don't spend enough time studying - they almost never see me reading notes/textbooks.

And now I've got a headache - reading, reading, re-reading, reading, re-reading... I'm just not cut out for this! Throw away the textbook, give me just a part of the overall picture and I swear I'd be able to draw out everything you didn't show me. That's how I work. And I damn-well know that I'm great when I work this way.

Thought I'd give myself a little break by blogging. Guess this is as far as it goes - already I'm behind schedule. Time to... reread that particular section for the fifteenth time.

Hmph.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:27 AM 0 comment(s)  

Just Another.
Saturday, March 7, 2009

I could be somewhere else tonight.

I want to be somewhere else tonight.

I want... that. Just that.

But I'm here tonight.

And there's little more I can say about it all.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:58 PM 2 comment(s)  

Broken Shackles.
Sunday, March 1, 2009


It's official - I'm free. Goodbye I.T. Department.

Hurrah.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:16 PM 0 comment(s)  

The Hourglass.
Monday, February 23, 2009


A vault of secrets - a place only we know. In here I see the markings of our past, our present, and the hazy image of our future. And in the corner, hiding behind the portraits of familiar faces - an hourglass made from the finest of wood.

The sands are flowing and the hourglass is almost spent - do I turn it and allow another hour to pass?

While I cannot clearly recall, I know that I've turned it alone all too many times. It is no wonder then that these arms no longer know their strength. Frail, with too many cuts and bruises to care for.

There will come a time when they will fail me. And when that day comes, do not speak my name in disdain. I am not to be blamed for it all.

Today, maybe just one more time. I'll turn the hourglass, and wait till the sands stop falling. Maybe the next time it's spent, I'll have you to turn it with me.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 5:20 PM 0 comment(s)  

Life After Death.
Sunday, February 22, 2009

from Geek & Poke

As most of you already know, I've always been rather fascinated with Death. After my accident last month, I found myself something new to think about - or rather, I started thinking differently about something that's been around for a long time.

Almost every culture/religion believes in some form of life after death. Whether it be rebirth, reincarnation, or merely ascending to a higher plane (Heaven/Hell) - these cultures/religions emphasize on the fact that when we die, we're not going to be confined in a buried box forever. Of course, where we go/what we become when we ascend/reincarnate is a different thing altogether.

That's as far as my knowledge goes on life after death. Do good, go to Heaven/reincarnate as a handsome prince. Be bad, have fun in Hell/reincarnate as a dung beetle.

But what if it were different? What if the term "Life after Death" truly meant life after death? To explain further... What if in reality I died tonight, but I lived on in my own reality tomorrow? A reality filled with the same people, the same places, and the same problems that I had when I was alive? The question is...

... What if I continued living tomorrow, as though I never died today?

Is this possible?

The thought occurred to me minutes after my crash, when I calmed myself down. I stood there in disbelief - the amount of damage was insane, and there I was standing with merely a few cuts on my arm. My parents and uncle claimed I was lucky to be alive, and even the chief mechanic was surprised to see me me when I told him I was the one driving the car. Everyone had the same idea: the driver involved in this accident should have died, or at least be lying in some hospital bed.

Let us imagine two realities now. The first reality (A), is the one we currently reside in. The second and third reality, (B) and (C), we will get to shortly. In (A), everything is as it is - having dinner with your friends, watching a movie with a loved one, chatting on the Internet, etc. You are a part of this reality. Now let's pretend that while in (A), you died. This is where reality (B) and (C) comes in.

You die in reality (A), no doubt about it. Your friends and family mourn, and they will forever lead their lives without you beside them.

You, however, continue living in reality (C).

Example: You have a heart attack and die. That's reality (B) for everyone else - a reality where you cease to exist. But to you, you had a heart attack, and you survived. That's reality (C) for you.

What if your mind had the power to create a completely new reality for you upon your death? A reality fabricated from your memory of things, understanding of human behaviour, general perceptions of your surroundings, and from your hopes and fears?

The design of your world will be based on your memory, and advancements in structure would largely depend on harnessing your imagination. The daily barrage of responses from your friends, family, and strangers will depend on your own emotional bond and experience with these people. What responses and when they would be used would depend on a highly complex internal algorithm which would weigh every little detail concerning the situation.

To put it simply, your "new life" is programmed on the day you die, using all the material (experience) you've obtained throughout your actual life. This is sort of a defense mechanism - instinct provokes a reaction out of every living thing when it is threatened. If it were threatened with the ultimate moment - death - what is the body capable of? It has been proven after all - life is far too precious. So what can the mind and body do to keep you "alive"?

I remember telling Kimberley that I may actually be dead, and my conversation with her was merely a part of a pre-programmed situation. She hit me on the hand, stating that if I felt it, I'm definitely not dead. I wasn't convinced - I daresay I know her well enough, and it's quite possible that her very reaction to my question was what I would've expected from her if I truly believed myself to be alive at the time.

Now, the question that arises here is: what will run this "new life"? I asked a few people on their perception of life after death, and Banun said something interesting:-

Energy can't be created or destroyed. So when you, loosely speaking, 'die' - meaning all your organs stop working and your brain stops converting energy to chemical energy (i.e thoughts and stuff), all that energy that was working - involuntary muscles, heartbeats, etc, is just gone. Or at least, converted into some sort of potential energy which is transferred to the ground when we decompose. Right? I mean, we learn about the whole.. food chain thing where 10% of energy is transferred each time an organism is eaten and the other 90% is used up during consumption. So basically, we're just spread around the world.


I had a similar idea. Now what if the human mind had a way of collecting all that energy, using some to create a new reality, then keeping the rest intact someway to sustain the newly created reality?

I know for a fact that the human mind is not fully understood, even with all our advancements in science today. What if this was one of the mind's abilities?

Now, what if we decide to look at it from a spiritual point of view? I was taught as a young boy that when Muslims die, we are destined to wait in our graves for the day of judgement. If we were good in life, our time spent in the grave would feel short, and we'd have a lot of space to move about in our coffins. If we sinned a lot in life, then the walls of our coffins would close on us and judgement day would seem an eternity away.

Try not taking it literally. If you led a good life, it's likely that upon death your "new life" will be programmed to be fairly simple and with problems which you can naturally confront and end. If you led a sinful life, then your "new life" will be programmed for hardships beyond your ability to comprehend. The idea behind here is that in general, our problems lead us to make decisions, for right or wrong, and our methods to making these decisions come to light. Our consciousness determines if what we do is truly acceptable by our standards - if it is, then we are altogether more light-hearted. If it isn't, then we're held down by it (consciously or subconsciously).
** This was particularly difficult to explain. I will edit this section as soon as I find a better way to present it. **

This is my justification (spiritually), based on my knowledge of Islam. I will not make any say on other religions/cultures as I do not know enough about them.

I ask the more open minded ones: what do you think? Is this plausible? This is a very rough idea (of course, largely stemming from the fact that I have no life and too much of an imagination), and I'm keen on expanding it. Death is too mysterious to ignore.

This whole post has been fairly messy - this particular thought of mine hasn't been very easy to put down in words. I apologise. I hope you understand that I'm merely contemplating and in no way insulting any long-believed trends/traditions.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:32 PM 3 comment(s)  

Angry.
Friday, February 20, 2009

I am trying very hard to find the words to express how pissed I am with a lot of things right now. This post is probably going to be filled with a lot of things people wouldn't like to read, so if you want to keep that smile on your face - get off and on to another fucking page.

I am just pissed. Plain and simple. Why? Fuck you, I'm not going to give you my reasons here. It's a lucky thing that I'm stuck here at home, because I swear if I were out, I'd have my fist in someone's face.

I am so angry I'm shaking all over the place. I am not happy with what I see, I am damn well not happy with what I hear, and fuck you if you think I could very well ignore everything that's wrong in the first place. Fuck you.

The only reason I'm even on this fucked up page is because I feel blogging might help me calm down a little. Might help - safe to say we'll have to wait a couple of hours before any effect might show.

I want to bruise someone right now. I want to grab someone's arm, twist it and hear them scream their fucking nuts off as their bones break. I want to swing my fist into someone's face, and Godfuckingdamnit I want to see their teeth fall out. I want to make someone bleed, or fucking bleed myself dry trying. The only thing that's keeping me inside is the fact that I've got no fucking car, and for that some bloody bastard out there better be thankful for.

Fuck you. Honestly, fuck you. Just... Fuck you.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:06 PM 0 comment(s)  

So Long, Farewell.

Yesterday, one of my closest friends departed for Australia, to further his studies in I.T.
Though I know I'll see him in a few months time (when his term break comes around), it was a fairly sombre moment for me.

There were just a little more than a handful of us there yesterday to send him off - Aliff, Amir, Arnold, Kumar, Victor, Weng Chi, Yip, and myself - everyone else was pretty busy (to my knowledge).

Words cannot express how much I'm going to miss that damn Indian. Sure, time may fly fast, but it'll never fly fast enough. Especially not when it comes to Thilagan. He's always been an incredible friend, and I can't say I'm a little envious of those Aussies for having him around.

Suddenly I'm reminded of all the times we played foosball together. He was only ever good for "sayur" shots, and he was pretty good at it. And he was my main pool partner - I never played pool with anyone quite as much as I did with him. Then there's the assignments! Always the intelligent bastard. Thank God for him, because I'd have failed a helluva lot more subjects if not for all his help.

My gosh. I'm talking about him as if he's dead and gone. There's a lot more to him, of course, but whatever eh? I'm just in the mood for a simple post, and this is what it'll be.

Thilagan! Though it's very likely you'll never read this, once again: All the best my friend. I'll be waiting patiently for you to come back home - hopefully I'll be good enough to teach you a lesson or two in pool by then :P

Till then.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:45 PM 0 comment(s)  

When 'G's Look Like 'C's.
Thursday, February 19, 2009

I really need to get my eyes checked soon. Things aren't as clear as they used to be, and it's giving me headaches just looking at the screen.

I used to eat breakfast and read the newspaper without my glasses on! Now I need them on if I'm to make out anything that's published. I'm not sure why it got this bad so fast.

Just as well I guess - I'm in need of new contacts.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:37 PM 0 comment(s)  

Misread, Mislead, Misery.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009

It's only been a little more than three weeks since we had a decent conversation - one that we were both comfortable in. Only a little more than three weeks.

I swear to you, it feels so much longer like that. Almost... like a goddamn eternity. Or something close to it. If I didn't look at the calendar today and say "Hey, it's only the 17th", I could easily be deceived into believing we've not spoken to one another for half a year.

Sigh.

How much longer till we're both ready?

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 6:07 PM 0 comment(s)  

Something Mathematical.
Monday, February 16, 2009


Shh.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:42 PM 0 comment(s)  

Of Course, There's Always Room For A Witty Title.
Saturday, February 14, 2009

:(

***

Here's a quick one:-

Changeling: Good.

Slumdog Millionaire: Very very good.

Watch them.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:28 AM 0 comment(s)  

Snow Globe.
Monday, February 9, 2009

My head is like a snow globe that's been shaken hard - everything's all over the place.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 1:20 AM 0 comment(s)  

Looking Into Someone Else's Mirror.
Sunday, February 1, 2009

I was reading one of my copies of the National Geographic Magazine when I stumbled across a very interesting article. The introduction reads:-

To judge by appearance, this is one misfit beast. Car-size and blimp-shaped, on land it's usually found lolling around. Sure, it's no supermodel, but underneath the blubbery disguise it turns out to be a superhero - its life a series of magnificent feats.


I know. I was stunned too - after all these years, FINALLY! The people at Nat Geo Mag finally recognized my awesomeness, and decided to do an article about me! MEEEE! You wouldn't believe how excited I was after reading those few lines.

Unfortunately, my excitement was short-lived. Reading further, I found out that the article was actually about elephant seals. To think! That description fit me perfectly, but it wasn't meant for me! It was for some dumb elephant seal.

Do you know what an elephant seal looks like?

Here you go:-

'Sup?

Exactly. That thing is huge and not-too-pretty.

I thought to myself: this is wrong - am I really that similar to an elephant seal?
That's when I decided to take a test. I took a photo of myself, to compare with the one above.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

OhmyfuckingGod..

Yearp. There's no denying it now: I'm part human, part elephant seal. Get your autographs while you still can - I'll be signing myself up for experiments two weeks from now.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:08 PM 7 comment(s)  

Dia.
Friday, January 30, 2009

I'm just waiting till my father goes down to Indonesia - I want Maliq & D'Essentials "Free Your Mind (Repackaged)". There are a few new songs there. One of them? Just press play. Trust me, you'll love the song.



Temukan apa arti di balik cerita
Hati ini terasa berbunga-bunga
Membuat seakan aku melayang terbuai asmara

Adakah satu arti dibalik tatapan
Tersipu malu akan sebuah senyuman
Membuat suasana menjadi nyata
Begitu indahnya

Dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, akuinginkan
Dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna

Tanpa buai kata tercuri hatiku
Dia tunjukan dengan tulus cintanya
Terasa berbeda
Saat bersamanya
Aku jatuh cinta

Dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, kuinginkan
Dia oh dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna
Dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, aku inginkan
Dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna

Dia bukakan pintu hatiku yang lama tak bisa
Percayakan cinta hingga dia disni
Memberi cinta ku harapan

Dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, aku inginkan
Dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna
Dia seperti apa yang kunantikan, aku inginkan
Dia dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna

Give me your love (nothing in this world could compare your love to me)
Give me your love now (I wanna tell the world when you give your love to me)
So come on and love me

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 5:16 PM 0 comment(s)  

4:28PM.

They look at each other, wondering what the other is thinking.
But they never say a thing.
And these crimes between us grow deeper.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:16 PM 0 comment(s)  

Almost The Same.
Monday, January 26, 2009

If I could show you the sky tonight, from where I stand, I would: it's a beautiful night, the stars shining brightly, the clouds lightly illuminated by the silent heavens.

It reminds me of that night in Malacca, only maybe here the sky is prettier. I only wish I have the same company now, as I did the other night.

Hey. I miss you.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:16 PM 0 comment(s)  

With The Stars In Our Sky.
Thursday, January 22, 2009


Just a favourite of mine that I thought I'd share. What do you think? :)

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:05 PM 0 comment(s)  

Victor's Tag.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Victor tagged me a few days back. Here goes nothing.

Directions :
Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose five people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don’t forget to leave a comment (“You’re tagged!”), and to read your blog, you can’t tag a person who tagged you. Since you can’t tag me, let me know when you’ve posted your blog, so I can see your weirdness.

Sixteen? That's... a weird number.

#1 - I am not bothered to remove the skin off a prawn before eating it.
#2 - I have fake boobs resting on one of my shelves, which is supposed to be used to relieve stress. Hey! Don't judge me - they were gifts.
#3 - I am physically 22 years old. Mentally 7.
#4 - I always try to look at things from different angles, even if I may not like what I see.
#5 - I am a huge fan of the Dave Matthews Band and Maliq & D'Essentials.
#6 - Despite the fact that I failed C++, many of my former C++ classmates still regard me as a programming God. Apparently I knew my stuff in class.
#7 - My favourite number is probably 29.
#8 - My favourite colour is probably white.
#9 - I love nasi goreng ketam. Fuck if I could eat it everyday? I wouldn't. Who the hell eats the same thing every day?
#10 - I hide my sincerity behind my jokes.
#11 - I love playing with toys. Toys R Us is probably one of my favourite places on earth.
#12 - I love my nasi lemak with all these in it: cockels, chicken, and a fried egg! Now this, if I could eat everyday? I still wouldn't.
#13 - I cannot go one day without eating vegetables.
#14 - I need a haircut.
#15 - I excel in games in a supportive role. I never do well as frontliners like Aliff, Weng Chi, Victor, Arnold and Yip. I'll stick to the Medic and Engineer classes.
#16 - I haven't had banana leaf rice in a while. Maybe I'll go next week! O_o

Alright, I've to choose five people. And the unlucky bastards are (who's to say they'll even do it >_>):
Kimberley Stephanie Banun Collin thattwistedjazzerperson (eheh eheh heh another tag for you >_>)
Also, I won't bother telling people they've been tagged. You read you wanna do you do. Simple.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 1:07 PM 0 comment(s)  

Just Another Short Story.
Thursday, January 15, 2009

They call me U'lir. It is out of respect for me, for I am the eldest of them all, youngest of a generation that no longer exist. I have seen the seven lights of day, bathed in the still waters of Lwob, survived three Great Floods. Great Floods which took from me all that I held dear - my friends, my family. I lost my mother - who was also my father, my brother, and my sister; the only one I ever truly loved - in the First Great Flood. She had pushed me against the edge of this great white kingdom, and I remember clinging for dear life as she was swept away into the abyss.

I lost my children in the Second Great Flood, though most at the time only knew it to be the First. Few lived to endure a second flood, and so it was that the world lay without knowing that these floods were constant, and world-devouring.

The Third Great Flood took with it more of my friends, more of my people - and more of our civilization was lost. But I endured. I lived in fear of the floods everyday of my life, and everyday I clinged to the edges of our white kingdom - many thought I was crazy, few had sympathy for me knowing the horrors I have witnessed.

The floods were always the same. Hot liquid would rain down on us - warning of a greater disaster. And then the water would rush down on us, pushing and pulling us into the darkness below.

But something was different today. Today the hot rain came, but the floods did not come immediately after. The sky began to darken, and a shadow was cast over our kingdom. Then our city was covered in a stench so foul that only Gods would be unaffected by it.

And from the sky fell a black vessel, blacker than the darkest corner of any room. It caught many of my people in it, and I saw the terror in their eyes as they tried to free themselves of it. In my desperate attempt to save myself from it, I pushed a youngling into the black vessel's grip - I will forever remember his cry for help, the disbelief in his tone as I ran away, not caring for his life.

Many tried to save those caught in the clutches of the vessel, and while doing so most did not realize that the sky had turned bright again - whatever that was casting a shadow over us was now gone.

And then I heard the familiar rumble.

It came unto us within the blink of an eye. The floods rushed down, pulling everyone and everything I knew with it. I held on with all my might, not willing to let it take me - I endured three floods, I told myself I would make it through the fourth and endure a fifth.

And so I did.

It went as fast as it came.

And still I live. There were few around me - remnants of yet another generation which has ceased to exist. We would rebuild our kingdom, together. And we would see through the sorrow of this flood, and forever live in fear of the next.

Yes. This is our life.

The life of a micro-organism living in a toilet bowl.

***

I have too much time on my hands.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 6:55 PM 0 comment(s)  

Simple Pleasures.

Was tagged by my cousin, Kak Syu, a while back. Now that I can, here it is!

Rules:List down as many simples pleasures as you can. Now, the definition for simple pleasures would be something that almost anyone can do, without paying money for it. Something SIMPLE that makes your heart sing or makes you go "aaaahhhhhh.......".

1- Driving around in my car, with Gillian and Kimberley for company. (this does require a certain amount of money though, doesn't it? BAH WHATEVER! *runs of lalala-ing*)
2- Trading insults among friends. Now that's one where everybody wins :P
3- A great night's sleep.
4- Wonderful weather.
5- Singing birds!
6- Early morning sunshine. I love the way it lights up the room, and its warmth is just... indescribable.
7- Penning/Typing down my thoughts about anything and everything.
8- Listening to music, particularly the Dave Matthews Band and Maliq & D'Essentials. :)
9- A long, hot bath.
10- A tight, sincere hug - one of the best things to brighten up my day, even if it was already blindingly bright to begin with :D
11- Soft hair >_>
12- Laughter. Just plain laughter.
13- Lying back and dreaming up worlds of wonder with whatever imagination I have.

and because 13 might be considered an unlucky number >_>

14- A beautiful smile.

Whoop. So! Who am I tagging? I'll tag... Kimberley (not that she ever does my tags...), Victor (nice enough to do every tag I've tagged him for), Stephanie, Banun, Aliff, Yip, that girl from twistedjazzer (eheh heh heh >_>), Collin (it'll probably take him months to do it, but what the heck. The bugger's a slow blogger), and my other cousin Zahidi (God knows why I grin whenever I read his blog).

Quite a few emotes in this post, no? Hooboy.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:34 AM 0 comment(s)  

Quiet Time.
Sunday, January 11, 2009

Hi.

It's been a while, hasn't it? I guess it has. I've been occupied - very much occupied.

What are my updates for 2009 so far? There's only one significant one - I lost my car. No, not "I can't find it" or "somebody stole it" lost. It's more of a "I fucking wrecked it" kind of lost.

What can I say? It was an accident, of course. I came out with just a sore shoulder and some scratches. Thankfully.

...

I started writing this at 920PM. It's 950PM now, and I've lost the mood to carry on with posting up my thoughts. Odd, when just five minutes ago I had so much to say, so much to question.

It's annoying how... your very source of happiness, is almost always the very same source of your sadness.

I guess... this is it?

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:35 PM 2 comment(s)  

When The Heart Wanders.
Saturday, January 3, 2009


To walk among giants, to be humble in the presence of pure primal instinct. To feel the Sun's rays bathe down on me, to touch the leaves above me and feel the grass below me.

I will have my way. One day, that much I know.
One day, before all your innocence is lost.

The Serengeti. Wait for me.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:46 PM 0 comment(s)  

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