Nuts & Bolts

Push.
Thursday, October 18, 2012

I have got a lot to do.

I am now working towards a few goals. It's a lot of work - and it's incredibly tiring - but if all goes well, I'll be in a good place.

I pray for the strength to see these things through, to persevere.

Keep pushing.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:48 PM 0 comment(s)  

Between the Orchard and the Orphanage.
Monday, October 1, 2012

When I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what I have attained,
Little room do I find for pride
I am aware
How many days have been idly spent;
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside.
But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tides.
- Loss And Gain,  by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

In the closing chapters of "The Cider House Rules", we find the main character struggling between choosing the life he loves (with the people he loves) in an apple orchard, or a life of duty to the people who need it (in the orphanage). I grew to love that character, and I was deeply saddened when I realised that he was going to forsake his own happiness for the happiness of another. Yes, it's another tale of self-sacrifice - but the tale hurts, and somehow I felt like I was there with him, making the exact same choice.

Maybe that's why I was sad.

I had my mind set on leaving behind a few dreams. I determined to be more practical about things, to do the more sensible thing.

And so I did, for a while.

Then the day came when I started dreaming again, and suddenly all my work went undone.

You see, I've been in love with my best friend for the past six years. I've told her many times about the way I feel about her, but unfortunately she's never felt the same way towards me. So I sucked it up (or at least, I tried to), and tried to look elsewhere for that special companionship. For a while, it worked - last year I started doing things differently, and I went on a few dates here and there. It was awkward (before this it had been seven years since I dated), but for that short while I concentrated more on developing my feelings for others, instead of dwelling on the fact that I was in love with my best friend.

Fast forward a few months, and suddenly there she was: she had just broken up with her boyfriend, and she was single again. And that's when I threw all my hard work aside - I allowed my feelings for her to return to the fore. This time around, I tried to portray myself in a different light, and I continued my pursuit, hoping that maybe, this time, she'd come around and maybe just give it a shot.

I was so caught up in trying to look the better man that I forgot one important thing: my closest friend was there, hurting from another relationship gone wrong. There were a few times where she tried to talk to me, and I now realise that I didn't give her the chance to speak. We used to go on long drives together, and we'd talk about everything under the Sun - when she was down, I'd never let her leave the car till she said all that she needed to say to feel somewhat better about herself/her situation. Last week she tried to tell me something, but I didn't think much of it, and instead I turned off the car, signalling to her to leave the car with me to join a couple of friends for drinks.

I should've done what I usually do - I should've stayed in there with her, and talked things through. My determination to get her to understand that she'd be better off being in a relationship with me ended up turning me into just another insensitive guy.

I always tell people: always go with your gut feeling. Your gut is never wrong. And my gut has been telling me the same thing for a while now: this relationship thing is never going to happen with her. I guess it's time I listened to my (incredibly large) gut - I think it's time I went back to being her best friend, and not just another guy who's trying to get her to love him.

I think that would make things easier for her. She knows what I've been trying to do, and I'm sure it's made her feel awkward. And if I stop this, maybe she'll be happier for it.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, like the main character in "The Cider House Rules", I'm choosing to go back to the orphanage (in other words, I'm going to leave behind this dream of calling her mine).

I know it sounds sad, but there's one thing I forgot to mention about the main character. You see, he chose to walk away from his dreams - but he still found happiness.

I'm sure I'll find happiness too.

P.S: If you're reading this, I'm sorry for not being there for you the way I used to. Chin up. It'll take a while, but I promise you: you'll get through everything that life throws your way. You'll be okay.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 4:23 AM 0 comment(s)