Nuts & Bolts

Tears.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Adam: I get tears rolling down my cheeks every time I yawn.
Victor: ... it shows you should cry more often.


The fan spun ever so slowly over me. I lay in bed, my eyes probing the ceiling for anomalies.
The song I so adored played in between my ears.
Victor's words swirled in my head.

"... it shows you should cry more often."

I was there as the tears of some of my friends flowed freely down their cheeks.
I have sat at my seat as others lamented about other friends cry their hearts out.
Some say crying is for the weak.
That it doesn't show strength.
A lack of resolve.

I've always said I saw it in a different light.
Being able to cry in the presence of others, or even in solitude, is something I've always thought only the brave and bold could do. Only those who cared enough, who had enough resolve to lead themselves through the tiring times had the ability to cry.
Some have told me of how it is such a weird way of looking at things.
We each have our opinions and experiences.

I haven't cried in a long time.
And there have been so many moments in the past year where my mind, body and soul just screamed for the tears to flow.
But it never did.
Nothing flows.
I feel so hopeless, so angry, so depressed at times that I anticipate my face to be covered in that cold liquid. But somehow or another, that which I want most is something that can never come to light.

I'll tell you one truth: I envy those that can cry. Crying helps. A moment of respite from that which has choked us of the breath we so dearly need.

Still I stare to the ceiling. I feel the wave come upon me, the walls behind my eyes ready to break down and drown my cheeks. Then I close my eyes for a moment... and the wave pulls away, leaving me wide eyed, with not a tear to shed.

Not an emotion to stir.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:27 PM 0 comment(s)  

Land Barons.
Sunday, October 28, 2007

I like the sound of that.

De Wind or Dewind?

Originally De Wind - mis-documentation over the years caused the name to "evolve" to Dewind. Because there was a lack of initiative to change it back, and because it seemed rather... unique, the name stayed.

For the past two years or so, my uncle has been working with a De Wind from America in tracing down the family line. After much research, they've finally made a breakthrough in connecting the De Winds all over the world.

After digging through the history of the De Winds in Malaysia, my uncle found out that our family line were prominent people in Melaka. We were, as this post's title is: Land Barons.

During the Dutch occupation in Melaka, the state was divided into four sections. And I was surprised to learn that the De Winds owned one section. In other words, a quarter of Melaka.

Wow?

Now, I knew that my ancestors were highly ranked among the Dutch, but to have been the ones who ruled over a quarter of Melaka is something bigger than I expected.
The De Winds lost their part of Melaka when the British colonized the state, but were promised that the land would go back into their hands as soon as the British ceased ruling. However, when the British gave up their rule, the De Winds were told that the land matter was something that needed to be pursued with the Malayan government, as the British no longer had power over it.
The Brits screwed the De Winds over. Ha ha.

But anyway. The De Winds from America (there are only 2 remaining De Wind families there, both of which migrated from Malaya after the British occupation) have gone so far as to settle this in court with the Malaysian government. Of course, we all know well enough that the Malaysian government won't give the land back, so in all fairness there should be compensation on behalf of the De Winds, yes? Yes.
The Malaysian government agreed to compensating the De Winds, as all the appropriate documents stating the rightful owners of the land are in place. However, they've only agreed to paying the De Winds the value of the land during the De Winds' occupation there - priced at 5,000 USD during the year 1820.
Lawyers are still trying to work things out. The land is worth tens of millions as of now. And my immediate family has a large share of it. Imagine, if the Malaysian government were to pay us our due... My family would be millionaires :D

Edit: Correction. The land is worth billions.

But it's all just a distant dream for now. It's good to know though, that I come from a family which held so much power before. Gives more meaning to why I have so much pride in the name De Wind.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:20 PM 1 comment(s)  

Seeing Without Looking.

There are two reasons to why I take off my glasses whenever I'm awake: to give my face a little freedom; to look at everything as a blur.

Because sometimes having a clear vision over things is torture on your mind, body and soul.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 2:19 AM 1 comment(s)  

The Tourney.
Saturday, October 27, 2007

Today was amazing.

Managed a top 20 finish. 19th to be exact. Far exceeded our expectations. Guess who we lost to? The WCG team.
The level of play demonstrated today was incredible. Trust me when I tell you this: you may be able to dominate a public game on clients like Blueserver and whatnot, but you wouldn't fare the same in these powerfully orchestrated team battles. The players of this league are a whole different level.

I'd type down every detail of the day here, but I'm sure 99% of the people reading this blog wouldn't understand (or care about) the matches.
Gained a lot of experience, and had a huge blast. I'll be waiting for the next one.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:07 PM 0 comment(s)  

One Sweet World.
Friday, October 26, 2007

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 1:12 AM 1 comment(s)  

Public Service Announcement.

For everyone's information, before today:

Kimberley thought King Kong was real.

Thank you for your attention.
This post was brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:21 AM 0 comment(s)  

You know you...
Wednesday, October 24, 2007

... play WRC: Rally Evolution (WRC 5. I've upgraded.) too much when:-

1. You don't want to wash your car because the dirt on it makes it look like it just completed a rally.
2. You hear imaginary voices, telling you "Three, turns into two, junction right. Caution, road slippery." while driving along the road. *
3. You divide your journey from home to college into sectors, and push yourself to beat yesterday's "fastest time".
4. You imagine yourself driving a Skoda Fabia Rally on a track against Citreons and Subarus, when in actual fact you're driving a 2 year old Proton Satria against a few Kancils and a three-legged dog.
5. You try not to hit people on the side of the road simply because you don't want to have your race time penalized.
6. You actually look at yourself and come up with this nonsensical list.

Damn.

* The voice refers to your co-driver in the game, who tells you the condition of the road ahead, as well as the gear (and speed) you should enter the turn into (for maximum grip, acceleration out of the turn, and to avoid understeer and invoke oversteer). Rawr.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 6:40 PM 1 comment(s)  

I'm getting a little tired of keeping up with some people's whims and fancies.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:24 PM 0 comment(s)  

Weary Feet.

I'm standing right here, and I can see clearly where I need to go next. I know exactly how to take my steps, I know exactly how to start treading the ground ahead.

But I'm hesitant. The road ahead is paved in gold, the trees that line it sway rhythmically to the gentle song of the wind, and everything I need lies in wait for me at the end of it.
Everything seems perfect.

I'm not ready for it. And so I think I'll stand here a little while longer and admire the view.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 9:31 PM 0 comment(s)  

Cornering on gravel.
Thursday, October 18, 2007

I am excited to inform everyone that I'm playing WRC 4 for the PS2 xD
It's an old game, but the technicality and challenge of the game makes it worth playing.

Games like Need For Speed and Gran Tourismo have never really appealed to me, strictly due to the fact that more often than not, players play to obtain more cars... and from there, race them on the same tracks over and over again.
Now, WRC 4 is pretty much the same, with one exception: you may play a single track a hundred times, but the result and your control of the car/track will never be the same. This is the one aspect I love most about WRC: the unpredictability. With games like NFS and GT, once you've played a track 3 or 4 times, you're pretty much set. It's always the same: the way the corners are taken, the position of your car on a long straight, the right speed. I say: BORING.

Seriously speaking, if you want a racing game that requires a good measure of skill, and gives you a new experience to tackle everytime you load a map/track, then the WRC series games are for you.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to continue driving my Skoda Fabia over that gravel laden terrain.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:15 PM 0 comment(s)  

Break.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Why do I keep throwing punches, when my fists won't stop bleeding?
I'm punching air, yet every swing hurts my arms.
I'm fighting a winning battle, but I'm the only one with broken bones.
I know where I stand, where my next step is, yet I keep tripping over my own feet.

My fists just won't stop bleeding.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:14 PM 0 comment(s)  

Brown Leaf.
Monday, October 15, 2007

As I sat gazing into my late grandfather's grave, I couldn't help but hear the soft murmurs of my mother, grandmother and aunts as they said a small prayer for him. Having thrust religion aside for some time now, I couldn't bring myself to cite the Al- Fatihah like everyone else. I spoke to him with my heart - I asked that he forgive whatever wrongs I may have committed, to him or any member of the family, and most importantly I asked him to watch over my family, give them the strength that they need to get through whatever trying times that they may face.

I tried to ask for something for myself, but the words just didn't seem to form.

As everyone got up and left, I took a moment to look around.
This cemetery...

... a place where the dearly departed are buried, a place where memories of sorrow and joy are easily rekindled in the mind's eye, a place where people choose to bury moments that will never come while striving to get up and move on...

... this very cemetery, seemed so perfect.
It has always seemed to me, that whenever I visit a graveyard, I find the place so unnaturally soothing. It's as though the rest of the world isn't even a part of it. Here the trees sway gently in the cooling breeze, the clouds roll by ever so gracefully. The birds sing a humble song, the earth so soft it cushions every step taken.

And in that few moments spent there, there's a feeling inside that tells you everything is just as it is. No matter what may go wrong on the outside, this cemetery will remain untouched, unaffected.

Cemeteries have always been one of the few places where I can enter a state of relaxedness that I can't find even in my own home. Sounds morbid, doesn't it?
Maybe because I've always been so... fascinated with death.
So much so that I constantly wake up to recurring dreams of myself dying. I sometimes wonder: how would things be like when I'm dead?
Will they mourn my death, or celebrate my departure?
Will they remember me for what I did, or for what I didn't do?
Will they keep my memory alive, or strive to forget me?

So many questions. One can only wonder if one's existence has ever had more positive than negative impacts on anyone around.
And what else of death? While I may question the deeds of the future for those around me, I also question the very thing about death: what happens when death comes?
Do we turn to be nothing but a cold body under turned soil? Is there anything after death?
Does Heaven and Hell really exist? Or are they merely fictional places designed by the fickle human mind, in the hopes of instilling enough hope and fear into people that they may carry themselves as a strong-willed society, righteous in almost every deed?
I guess this is where religion comes back into the fray. But that's for another time.

Tread not a road with eyes shut - moving blindly is but a walk of misdirection with the hope of capturing that which can't be seen.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 3:16 PM 0 comment(s)  

Celebration.
Friday, October 12, 2007

A. Dewind wishes everyone a Selamat Hari Raya.
Have a good weekend people :)

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 10:26 PM 1 comment(s)  

Intelligence -1, Stupidity +1.
Monday, October 8, 2007

I spent the last two weeks wondering where the hell the other options went to. Even went so far as to think Firefox was having trouble with Blogger, so I used IE to check if the options were available. Damn it.

I feel so bloody stupid right now =_="
I have to wonder why I never bothered checking on those two tabs. Freaking fail. Fail?







Fail.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:55 PM 0 comment(s)  

Boss, title satu. Kasi "witty" lebih.
Sunday, October 7, 2007

... I've been listening to Korean Hip Hop/Pop D:
Gasp.

This is my brother's work. The volume is always set so high, I end up hearing the songs even when I don't want to.
But nice la.
Epik High. Nice. Really. I LIKE. MUAHAHAHAX.
This post comes after...

(.. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday...)

... 5 days, and all I have is this?? D: Somebody slap me.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:12 PM 1 comment(s)  

#100.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I guess it's true.
I've turned into one of the most ignorant bastards around. And it was all my choice.

Being happy because there was a frustration and sadness that I didn't want to see.
Being carefree because there were troubles I didn't want to bear.
Sleeping because I didn't want to be awake.

Fuck.

Forgive me.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:01 PM 0 comment(s)  

Everything's alright because I can't put my finger on what's going wrong.

Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:57 PM 0 comment(s)