Me.
One Eye on the Past, Another on the Future.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Seeing as tomorrow is New Year's Eve, I might as well blog about the past year now, considering I won't be able to tomorrow.
Also because I want to.
Somewhere in the earlier part of 2007, I deleted my old blog, under the URL "adamtherandom.blogspot.com". I decided to do so because it grew to be rather depressing, and I wanted to stop blogging and sort myself out.
After a few months, I started again. This blog was the result of my desire to start blogging again. It originally started as "Letters from a Dewind", inspired mainly by the title and idea of the movie Letters from Iwo Jima. I blogged under the idea of writing letters to anonymous readers, detailing my problems in them. After realizing that my blog was once again nothing but a wall of depression, I sought to change it - naming it "Nuts & Bolts". It was here that I took to writing about different things - mostly those which struck my mind and interest, which weren't depressing in nature, but rather... more exciting and carefree. It was also during this period that I found the resemblance between my MSN nickname (my initial and surname: A. Dewind) and the current URL (adewind.blogspot.com). This was good, as it increased the personality of this blog (to me, at least).
Now I've come to realize that the same thing is happening once again - of late, most of what I blog has been about the darker parts of my emotions (well, the more reader friendly ones have been published here - the rest I keep hidden in the corner of my coffin). However, I'm not going to go about and change the blog. "Life isn't supposed to make sense", and this blog is an extension of me. As I go through the ups and downs of my strange life, so will this blog. Is this for good or bad? Anyone who reads this blog might very well get sick of the stuff I write about, but personally: I couldn't care.
So that was the blog. What about the rest of my life?
The year has seen new additions to those I call "friends". The year has seen me grow closer to a few people, and grow further apart from some others (some obvious enough, some not). The year has seen me lose a lot, gain a little.
The year has seen me mature, in my perception, my thoughts. Though at the same time it's seen me deteriorate, also in my perception and my thoughts. How is this so? So long as you can look at things from a different angle, you'll be sure to understand what I'm getting at.
I could go into details about how I matured, who I grew closer to and who I grew apart from,
but those are details I shall need to keep to myself.
I have some hope in 2008 - that it'll be better than this year's. Though it's really a small hope, seeing how things are going... I guess I can predict well enough where I''ll be heading in 2008.
Ok, that's for another time.
Till then, have a good New Year's people. Some of you deserve it.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 7:39 PM 0 comment(s)
In The Wrong Places.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Few will attempt to understand. Of that few, not all will understand.
I wonder...
Kajilau daan jaberya bongmemkar sejme nii, ku momehon: pansimlah dapa dimuri.
Daakah dimuri huta kana rapesaan ku dapa dimuri? Dahsu seanki mala ku memsubi, ngankanbera daankea dinama dimuri huta kana kedakhen hakuti. Sakahlah ku nganbera? Dinama datia raca tukun dikuri luahmekan sii tiha pamuda, dakhenlah ku mesingi ngrua songko tui di nisi. Dakhenlah ku luahmekan uasemnya, ngande rahapan dimuri memcaba. Wapunlau dakti mehamima, bilahar.
Dahsu kisean mala ku berpimimkan wamujah, tumubuh. Berpimimkan dikuri melukmemu, sedanba, setiha, diwahba narsi lanbu, diwaba upanti ngina lupi.
Ringse ku beryatan: pamengakah dikuri betugi taterrik dapa dimuri? Daakah ketikcankan mu? Daakah raca dimuri memwaba ridi? Jawanyapan lahte ku mala hafami: ku dakti sekatta taterrik dapamu. Ku cinmentai mu. Senuhpe hakuti, ku cinmentai mu.
Raca dimuri kewata. Pannganda tama mu. Aub mu. Uasem lekebihan mu. Uasem kukerangan mu. Dimuri. Nyaha dimuri.
Ku sule nyimmepan pesaanra ku. Munna datia raca yang inla. Jilauka sii hakuti dikanluah dapamu, ku huta... Dimuri dakti gupsang merimane.
Pakahtut ku perruhtakan uasem yang daa niki, tukun suasetu yang kinmung dakti terdija? Ku ginin. Ku ginin. Pita ku dakti benira.
Ku dakti huma hikelangan mu.
Wapunlau dakti ku juktun, tiha ku kitsa manmedang - abilapa dimuri rila mebutnyam laleki inla, melukme mekare ngande yumsenanmu yang lasikh, tanmugan rate gemenlilingi danba mekare. Munna dakti nahper ku temari yalanan besegitu. Dakti...
Ku ginin guhsung limehat mu mebutnyam ku besegitu. Ku ginin guhsung dimuri melukme ku, segaimanaba mekare pedilukmu. Ku ginin. Guhsung.
Dangka laka ku bernyata: paakah dikuri dapamu? Daakah narbe dimuri gangmengap ku basegai banga mu? Taua daakah ku nyaha basegai pertaraan, dimuri dan dinyari? Dihse ku mimekirkan panandang mu dapaku, kaji nyaha besegitu.
Ku huta, ku kanbu lipihan hamuti. Ku huta, dikuri keranganku. Ku huta, dimuri dakti cinmentaiku. Ku huta, dimuri kantak likmi ku.
Munna ku ruste berpimim. Dan ku ruste megunung.
Kinmung tusua riha tinan pananmudang kana bebahru.
Kinmung tusua riha tinan ku kana tedirimamu.
Kinmung.
Ku cinmentaimu. Pesenuh hakuti.
***
Looks like my B. Malaysia isn't as rusty as I thought. The words are just... mixed up. I guess I should learn to spell the words properly - and make sure every syllable is in the correct place.
:')
*If you've managed to decipher what's written here, and then you try reading it as I've typed it down, with proper intonation, it can sound rather... poetic. I know because I just read it to myself. :)
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 7:41 PM 1 comment(s)
Remapping the Human Soul.
Friday, December 28, 2007
I have often received good remarks regarding the size of my imagination, and I've always enjoyed these. My imagination allows me to see things many others can't - I am able to see everything around me at different angles of perception, allowing me to reach a high level of "thinking outside the box". Yes, I have always been proud of my imagination.
Despite the many, many advantages to having a large imagination (a large number of it I did not list here), it can sometimes be a little... overwhelming. And... dare I say it? Yes... Fairly dangerous. My imagination isn't constant: it has its days, where sometimes it may be minimal, and sometimes it just shoots off beyond control. The trouble is... when it shoots off, I have little control of how it can influence my thoughts and actions.
I'll share with you here, something that happened to me a couple of nights back. A little peek into how influential my imagination can be on myself...
It was a mere dream. But the vividness and horror of what I showed myself was something I hope never to feel again:-
It was just me, Gillian and Kimberley. We were seated in some restaurant, enjoying what seemed to be a friendly conversation. Moments later I received a call, and picked it up to find my family was in trouble. I left the two ladies to themselves, got into my car, and drove as fast as I could to aid my family.
Then it all went black.
After a while, an image seemed to appear before my eyes - much like when you're waking up, where your eyes slowly adapt to the light around you, moving from a certain level of blur to a much clearer grasp on the surroundings. I found myself in a coffin, with familiar faces all around me. I wanted to scream, but I felt my voice restrained, my body frozen as my brother closed the coffin lid on me. Only then did my body respond to my commands...
I slammed my fists against the lid, hoping to break it open from the inside. I clawed at the wooden box that held me, and I screamed bloody murder. Yet it seemed like no one outside could hear me... or if they did, they didn't care to get me out. And that's when the scariest part began to unfold...
They were covering my coffin with earth - I was now placed neatly in the allocated hole, and they were burying me. How would you feel if all you could hear was the soft earth pounding against your "sheltered" self? I remember images of my friends and family racing through my mind - like a broken player, the images just kept playing, on and on and on. As the memories ran through my mind, I continued beating against the lid. I felt desperation, such as I've never felt before, and I screamed till my voice was gone. My hands were a bloody mess. My clothes were drenched in my own sweat and blood. My mouth was foaming. My heart was racing, and my lungs were aching. Yes... I was suffocating.
I felt warm tears flowing down my cheeks, and I wondered how the people I cared about could do this to me. I wondered how they could stand there and watch me die under their hands. I wondered if I ever meant anything. I choked on my own saliva, and I watched myself as I gave up hope of getting out. I realized then that I was on the brink of death. And it was truly a painful experience. I felt cheated. I felt wronged. And worst of all... I felt lonely. A loneliness that no words can ever describe. My last breath was here, and for all the pain I felt I cried one last time. I heard myself, loud as thunder... though in truth I could only muster a whisper.
"I'm sorry."
And there I was. I felt myself leave my body. I looked down on myself - pale, not as big as I thought I was, and my smile... none. I no longer had a face - at least, not one I recognized. The features were there, but the essentials were missing. Then I wondered, why did I apologize?
But before the answer could come to me, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest...
That's when I woke up, screaming. I found myself on the floor, next to my bed, drenched in my own sweat. I tried to pick myself up, but I didn't have the energy to. My hands were shaking uncontrollably - and there was a pain in them, as if I had been punching a wall for hours on end. There was a bruise on the left side of my chest. My heart was beating so fast, I would've thought I just ran twenty marathons in a row. Breathing... was difficult. It took almost all my concentration and effort just to breathe properly - it felt like I wasn't getting enough air.
I know that I didn't get off the floor for a fairly long time. When I finally did, my head was spinning in all directions, and there was warm blood flowing out of my nose. When I tried to speak to calm myself down, my mouth moved silently - I didn't have a voice. To top it off... I found myself crying. Tears were just flowing out of my already red eyes. And they just wouldn't stop. I pulled myself back into bed, hoping to get some rest and to reason out what just happened. But every time I closed my eyes, I would wake with a sharp pain in my chest, and my hands would be gripping the bed sheet ever so tightly.
Someone once told me that dreams are the mind's way of telling us the honest, blatant truth - the ones that we often subconsciously overlook, in our attempts to make our lives that much easier to go through. And the more powerful our imagination, the more realistic these dreams become.
No dream of mine has ever been this vivid. No dream of mine has ever had such an effect on my body and mind. And no dream of mine has ever caused me to feel physical pain.
I am a prime example. Of how dangerous the imagination can be.
And I'm afraid.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:54 PM 3 comment(s)
Breaking Bonds.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
So full of words is this picture that now it is nothing but a wall of black. Where in the real world, these words would cause more trouble than I'd be willing to face, here... here they find their place. And here, they stand before the eyes of those I would tell them to, no harm incurred - whether it be to your feelings, or mine.
A million and one things need to be said and done. With that another ten million and one possible replies. Acceptance? That's one possibility. There's also the possibility of rejection - if you so choose not to understand the reasons behind my actions. Gah. So much, so fast.
Last year we were one and the same. Next year we'll be different. I'll leave you, that much I'm sure of right now. And then things will start over - for both you and me. For better or worse? Personally I don't quite care - for the right reasons or for the wrong.
Goodbye 2007. Hello 2008.
No, this post wasn't dedicated to the ushering of the new year.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:04 PM 0 comment(s)
The Meaning Behind.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
To be selfish is an act of selflessness.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:03 PM 0 comment(s)
Perception.
Friday, December 21, 2007
I would give most of everything, just to be seen in a different light.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 8:07 AM 0 comment(s)
Just Click For A Better Look.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 12:59 AM 0 comment(s)
The Eternal Struggle.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The eternal struggle.
Where even in the hours of sleep, our fists fly through the air, slamming hard against the soft, rosy cheeks we once had. And we wake from our dreams with our bodies drenched in sweat, to find none but ourselves - alone, lying on the floor, our eyes fixed on the barren ceiling above us. Though now back to reality, our bodies are without energy.
Our eyes are bloodshot red.
Our fists are clenched.
And we are bleeding. Profusely.
Though we lie on safe ground, our minds are perched on the very edge of a chasm, so quietly screaming at us to take that one step forward, and plunge to what would most certainly be our end. We cry. We assure ourselves that we still have a grasp on ourselves, that we are capable of restraint. But the almost unseen movement of our feet - forward - contradicts everything we think we are.
Trip. Fall. Fall! Break every bone in our bodies, for there is no more pain. Cover the land in our flesh and pray our blood serves the thirsty, wait for the vultures to peck at the remains of our existence.
And when, wake up.
No, it hasn't ended. No, it didn't just begin.
We're still there. On that edge.
It'll happen. Soon enough.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 5:56 PM 0 comment(s)
The Space Between.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...
- The Space Between, by The Dave Matthews Band -
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:56 PM 0 comment(s)
One Rainy Day.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A moment of understanding. Of realization.
A hug here. A kiss there. Hands waving in the air, in the quiet most hide their despair. Feet shuffle restlessly - each to its own beat, though all to the same rhythm. Among the silent crowd a tune hums - a goodbye, the first. A goodbye, the last.
Her presence is felt, and slowly she steps away. Watch on, there she walks. Watch on, there she stops. A quick glance back, a gentle smile. One last hand to the air, one last form of acknowledgment. And soon she is gone. From sight, not from heart.
Some fight hard to hold themselves together. Some break down, allowing the tears to stream ever so slowly down their faces. All for the presence of someone, of soon would become nothing but a memory. Though time would tell that one day all will be whole once again - that she may once again walk among us, laughing as she should be - it wouldn't ever be the same.
For now another has taken her away from us. And should we mourn the loss of that presence that we so needed before? No, maybe not. She isn't gone - not forever.
One day we'll share hugs again. One day we'll share laughs again.
One day you'll be standing with us again, if even for a mere moment.
We're waiting.
We're all waiting.
Goodbye Ila. May Egypt be kind to you. We didn't know each other as long as I would have liked, but it was a great time altogether. I'll be waiting to hear from you soon.
Soon.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 11:18 PM 1 comment(s)
Memory.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Everyday, I forget a little bit more. At the end of this, I won't have much to remember. And then I'll be back where I started.
A lot more to lose, nothing much to regain.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 6:52 PM 0 comment(s)