Me.
The Faceless Liar.
Monday, September 24, 2007
I lied.
I still hang in doubt about what I said I had figured out.
I didn't want questions. I'm typing this out now because I need to put it down somewhere. And in a way, I want to share.
It's difficult, really. I struggle everyday to make myself see things as it should be, not dream of what it could be. And therein lies the biggest problem: I'm a dreamer.
I want it to be real, but I won't take the steps to make it be.
I look around, and I see a dream that's almost impossible to come true. Others have set out with full force on the path I so delicately tread - and all I've seen of their efforts is failure.
There's a fine line between what things are now, and what I want things to be. And the blatant truth is, attempting to cross over will bring a whole lot more problems than I could ever wish for.
I may not show it, but I get so very jealous when I see someone with enough guts to take that step forward and try their luck at what they think could be. Granted, these people aren't in the same position I am - though it doesn't change the fact that they have the ability to do what I can't.
Are dreams meant to come true, or are they merely a token for me to ponder on, for my amusement in my loneliest of hours?
If I knew how the things around me worked, how the people around me thought - I swear, it would make my life so much easier. I'd know exactly what to do. And I wouldn't regret my actions.
But now I'll continue struggling.
I've got to see things as it should be.
Not dream of what it could be.
Either way, I come out of this as one who has lost. And I know one thing for sure - accepting this loss is something that will be far harder than anything I'll be able to expect.
* I'm not expecting anyone to understand what it is I'm talking about - I worded this post in a manner which I'm positive will conceal enough of what it it is I'm facing. Bingo on the wordplay.
** I'm beginning to hate driving that lonely road down home. Stirs too many thoughts, evokes too many emotions. Sigh.
Given a certain level of thought byAdam Dewind at 6:34 PM